QOTW - Fears

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
QOTW - Fears
12
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:45pm


For many here, both posting and lurking, there is a huge part of the equation that isn’t often directly addressed – fear.

CL-Blueliner4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:08pm

Although I left my abusive XH two years ago, I still remember everything as though it happened yesterday:

My biggest fear about leaving was that he'd come home and find me trying to leave and either try to kill me or at the least, force me to leave without my possessions.

My biggest fear about staying was that I'd eventually die (if I stayed) and that his teen daughters from a previous marriage would assault me physically/verbally.

The only fear I'm left with now is that he could still try to come after me or retaliate sometime in the future. There's also the fear of him putting my SS# out there to create the horror of identity theft for me (since he knows I'm very financially-responsible).

I've only overcome my fears with the love and support of the Lord, and my family and friends. Also, by realizing that life is just too short to spend it being paralyzed by fear. My life is in God's hands and my XH can't do anything to me other than what God allows.

My only advice is to get to the know the Lord (if you don't know Him already), trust Him to take care of you, and take each day as it comes. Every day is a gift even though tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. Be smart and be strong!!

Sincerely,
Heymum

Avatar for smoothone2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:14pm
Wow this is a really good question and hey maybe someones wise words will give the courage. My biggest fear about leaving is that all the things he says are going to happen to me if he were out of my life were to come true. When i met him 10 years ago (OH MY GOODNESS) I was pretty overweight still am. He left me for 2 1/2 years got married and had a child they divorced and I "felt sorry" for him so took him back and played or should say still play into his bull. So while I was with him in the begining I lost a lot of weight then he duped me and I gained it all back and then some, my biggest was 242 I am now 190 and actually feel really good, I know I still have a ways to go but I am getting there slowly but surely. My biggest fear of staying would be Hmmmm thats a tough one that when i am done with my nursing school in about 3 years maybe 4 that he will take all of my money. He says I should only be going to nursing school for the money, I am honestly not though I love working with people and being able to help someone just boosts my self confidence, he tells me tht is wrong that i shouldn't "feel good" when i am helping someone. Ok so thats mine! Can't wait to hear from otehrs. I have kind of been a regualr on here for awhile but lately just been a lurker. Thanks as always for listening
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 3:05pm

1. What **were** your biggest fears about leaving? Financial stability

2. What **were** your biggest fears about staying? Wasting the rest of the years of my life being miserable.

3. If you are out, what are your fears? Still, financial stability and I can't get rid of his control of me. It scares me to do what I need to do because I don't know how he'll retaliate. I keep thinking "somewhere he's a nice guy".

4. How did you overcome fears to get to the point where you are today? Praying and being here on this board.

5. Do you have any advice or notes to share with the others on how you have or want to get over your fears? Pray, keep reading everybody's support on this board, and if anybody out there is contemplating not getting an attorney, PLEASE GET ONE! I'm in a giant mess because I didn't get one. Now that the divorce is over, I have to get one for the child support issue. I should have gotten one initially, so I just continue to pray.

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 10:25pm

I'm going to post the information I'm comfortable with the public knowing. :) I hope that makes sense.

What are your biggest fears about leaving?
~N/A but when I did want the relationship over, my biggest fear was finances or lack thereof.

What are your biggest fears about staying?
~N/A but when I was staying I had alot of fears.

If you are out, what are your fears?
~I have financial fears. Fears of getting into another relationship and not seeing enough warning signs. I'm reading enough though to feel comfortable, and I've got people to talk to, so. . . :)

How did you overcome fears to get to the point where you are today?
~I blocked them out and trudged on.

Do you have any advice or notes to share with the others on how you have or want to get over your fears?
~I know that I only live once. I was once an un-fulfilled woman. I stayed at home, raised the kids, attempted to clean the house, cooked meals, did the laundry, the shopping, I could go on forever... STBX worked to support us off an on, moreso on toward the last 2.5 years of the marriage... I didn't have much contact with actual people. I missed out on ALOT more than I thought I did. Even though I have to work now for the rest of my life, I'm happier. My kids are doing ok - the older two are in therapy. It's great to be more in control of my own life. I want to eventually find somebody who is on the same page I am, and who has things in common. I wasn't looking for those specific things at age 18. And that's no one's fault. It happens. I wasn't happy. I wanted out. I'm working at finding my own happiness. Eventually I'll be with someone but I have to love me and KNOW me first. Hope all that made sense. :)

Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 10:49pm

What are your biggest fears about leaving?
The only reason I stayed as long as I did was because I thought I was the one who wasn't trying hard enough and because I hated divorce. I thought it would mean that I failed and gave up.

What are your biggest fears about staying?
First biggest fear was that he would seriously hurt my son (since he already was working towards that level of abuse). He is just a little guy and it broke my heart to think of it. Second biggest fear was that if I don't leave now, I could wind up dead. Which leads me back to my first biggest fear. If I am not there to protect my son, I feared he would be seriously hurt by that remorseless, empathy deficient, cruel, vicious person.

If you are out, what are your fears?
That he would come back for revenge. He hates with such a horrible passion, it is sick.

How did you overcome fears to get to the point where you are today?
Because I looked at the logic of the situation. The risks were way too high for staying and there was too many indications that something serious was bound to happen. I couldn't take that risk with my son.

Do you have any advice or notes to share with the others on how you have or want to get over your fears?
Read about, talk with, and listen to others who have gone through it. It is the most helpful thing to know you are not alone and to be able to speak about it without feeling ashamed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:28pm

Biggest fears about leaving? Hmm.....that maybe I didn't work at the relationship hard/long enough and that people would think I was a failure with a failed marriage.

Biggest fears about staying? That I would become even more of prisoner in my home than I was; that I would continue to be maritally raped on a regular basis, that I would have to continue to put up with the groping and leering at me in the shower, that I would be 45 someday and not have diddly to show for it, except a mountain of debt, a deadbeat husband, NO self-esteem and no ability to think for myself.

Fears now that I am out? None really directly dealing with him/our relationship. Normal, usual things....will my son turn out to be a good kid/man? Will current DH and I continue to have a good, "normal", non-abusive relationship, do I have enough cash on me to actually FILL the car's gas tank...that sort of thing.

How did I overcome fears? I kicked myself in the ass and realized that NOTHING is risk and fear free. That the only way out of my mess was THROUGH it... and standing around wringing my hands being distressed was not doing anything constructive. I started doing little things that I know the ex HATED me to do and mentally telling him "neener, neener, neener" as I was doing them. I ordered pizza with the thick crust and pepperoni just for me. I bought white bread. I would go to the bookstore and look around/hang out for a couple of hours after work before going home. I didn't answer my phone unless I felt like it. I got a dog and let her sleep in the bed with me. (she still does... new DH calls her "daddy's little princess" and has no problem with her in the bed). I bought a condo... I bought a new car... one I wanted to have. Things like that. As I got stronger, the things I did became larger. I started by buying white bread and Coke (he was a wheat bread/Pepsi guy) and ended up buying my new car after a few years.

Advice/notes for others? Take it slowly....you didn't end up in this predicament overnight and it won't be fixed overnight. Start small....rent a movie that he hated/wouldn't let you rent and ENJOY it when you watch. Get a manicure/pedicure. Highlight your hair. Get some new clothes... that sort of thing that will help you feel better about yourself and boost your self-esteem. Unless there are kids involved, DO NOT contact him to see how he is doing and if he has "gotten it" yet. Asking questions implies interest and they do not need to have that sort of opening/invitation to try and worm their way back into your life. Be kind to yourself and be patient with healing. Buy stock in Kleenex...you will use lots. Get counselling...it does wonders. If you have an unusual sense of humor and can sort of laugh at the situation... get some girlfriends together during PMS week, get LOTS and LOTS of chocolate and have a slumber party where you watch Thelma and Louise and man-bash. It is oddly theraputic.

Anyway....enough babbling from me. Hang in there, everyone, and post often. It does help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:30am

The fear I had when I got rid of his sorry butt for the upteenth time is the fear of running into him in public.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:56am

No worries, Wish.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 12:44pm

What were your biggest fears about leaving? Poverty, losing my children, destroying my children's lives with divorce, suicide (his), being wrong about the situation, rejection by our religious community, rejection by God, being cast as the bad one.

What were your biggest fears about staying? Being slowly destroyed from the inside out, a lifetime of abuse, having people assume I was like him and agreed with him, wasting my potential, watching my children re-enact the situation, depression, overt or covert suicide (mine).

If you are out, what are your fears? Financial worries, fear that he'll continue to pester me and escalate to stalking, fear that he'll treat my children the way he treated me.

How did you overcome fears to get to the point where you are today? After a while I admitted nothing was ever going to get better. I realized he had a life of his own to do with as he pleased - he didn't deserve to have my life to destroy. He didn't deserve to have my mind to suppress and twist, my heart to torture, and my body to use against me. What he was going to do to me eventually if I stayed was worse than what he would do if I left.

Do you have any advice or notes to share with the others on how you have or want to get over your fears? I think oftentimes what we fear will happen if we act is already happening or is on the horizon. Does that make any sense? Just that instead of trembling at the dragon standing in front of us, maybe we should peek behind. There might be a bigger one standing right over us. In that case I'd rather take on the little one. JMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:40pm

What are your biggest fears about leaving?
The unknown... not knowing how he would react. Not knowing exactly where I'd be going. Losing everything. Losing my son.

What are your biggest fears about staying?
Losing myself into the abyss.

If you are out, what are your fears?
Not knowing what's coming next. Loneliness. Can I support myself and be on my own? Can I be a good mother? Can I afford to support myself and my son?

How did you overcome fears to get to the point where you are today?
I'm still working on my fears since I just left 2/27/05. Fortunately, we (my son and I) had a scary experience when trying to leave for church that morning... and just never returned. I was planning on leaving soon anyway... but the experience has been burned into my brain and serves as a concrete reminder of why I wanted to leave, and why me and my son have not returned.

Do you have any advice or notes to share with the others on how you have or want to get over your fears?
Talk to people. Call a shelter. You never know who else might be experiencing the same thing...

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