QOTW - Fears

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
QOTW - Fears
12
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:45pm


For many here, both posting and lurking, there is a huge part of the equation that isn’t often directly addressed – fear.

CL-Blueliner4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:48pm

What are your biggest fears about leaving? not really an issue since I've been gone since Aug. What finally made me leave was that nothing I did was making him happy and he was out of control doing things he never did before(such as a $240 cable PPV bill for 6hr blocks of porn) His whole deamenor was changing and getting more aggitated and threatening. When he demanded I get rid of my horse(I have ridden since I was 6 years old)my friend told me she had done that for a man once and that he still wasn't pleased and then what would he demand I do....I knew she was right.

What were my biggest fears about staying?

Things were to the point that our business couldn't function. He would not work and anything that went wrong was always my fault. Customers would call and he would yell at them for no reason and people were starting to doubt my own reputation. My employee quit because he simply could not deal with him any longer. I was afraid I could not do it on my own. I was scared to bring a child as I was pregnant at the time into the mess. I had done everything he wanted from me and he still was not happy. I was afraid my son would be damaged emotionally as an adult because of his father. I was afraid of talking or saying anything that might disagree with him or might make him made. I was afraid he was going to leave me and or take my child when he was angry at me. I was only grabbed a couple of times, but when I think about how I felt when he grabbed my hair and pulled me on the bed while I was pregnant, I want to get sick. The look on his face I hope no one ever has to see again. He broke my trust and I feel like I lost my innocense during that.

If you are out, what are your fears?

I am deathly afraid of him killing/hurting me and of him taking our son. Last week, I was pumping gas and he pulled in front of me and just sat and watched me, laughed and knodded at me. I left in August 05 so we have not been around eachother for awhile and he even has a girlfriend so I am scared he still has so much anger in him. He was even in jail for 57 days for breaking the RO and running me off the road(this was during death threat number 2). I am also afraid financially that I'll never rid him from my credit report or that my life will never get to the point where I won't have to deal with him. When I think of the things he has made me do, I just can't believe it even still.

How did you overcome fears to get to the point where you are today?

I was extremely lucking to have a mom and grandmother who love me and will go to the wall for me. I come from a large extended italian family so I have many cousins my ex doesn't know that I can go to also. They live over an hour away. I was also blessed with an ex boyfriend from high school that is still close to me. When things were bad, he took me for a drive one night and had me tell him everything that was going on. He then asked me why I was putting myself thru this as I was not a abused woman and I didn't deserve this. To this day, if I call him, he will talk me thru things and listen if needed. I love him as a person and he is one of my best friends now. I also had several other friends who were abused that showed me things I didn't notice before that were huge issues.

Do you have any advice or notes to share with the others on how you have or want to get over your fears?

I post here and try to help others as I was helped. I talk to a counselor at the local DV shelter and also donate anything I can find for them to the shelter. I talk alot and sometimes make like mental letters of what I wish I could say to my ex husband, but can't. I hope to one day write down my thoughts and get them published. I always keep fresh in my mind what happened so that I don't feel like I want to go back and I question things more now. I originally didn't think I needed counseling. One night I was playing pool with a guy friend and he had a disagreement with his dad on the phone. It was nothing big, but when his voice picked up slightly, my mind just started reeling. I don't even remember what he said. The biggest thing I have learned from all this is that abuse isn't something that has a start and stopping point. No one can just say if he hit me once that's it as abuse doesn't start that way. It's a gradual thing that you don't see at first. Abusers will keep you constantly reeling and dealing with things to the point you don't notice things. My ex racked up $3000 in gas powered remote control car and truck stuff. I didn't notice how much stuff he accumulated until after I left and went to clean it up. I didn't know things were going on in the business like there were either as he always kept me reeling, would flat out tell customers he wasn't going to do this or that and would talk the customer out of a sale as I was selling the building to them. I honestly thought though he would fight for our family and do whatever he had to do for his child and me. He made me feel in the end that he never really loved me and I was only the mealticket. Now I think he did love me and knew he was an abuser and tried for 5 years both before and during our marriage to keep things under control, but in the end he just lost control and followed his same pattern of control and abuse. The more he tried to control me the more I would not allow it and the more angry he would get.

Okay, I'm rambling. Next

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 2:07pm

What are your biggest fears about leaving?


When I left, I was scared.

CL-Blueliner4

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