QOTW: No excuse for abuse
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QOTW: No excuse for abuse
| Mon, 01-02-2006 - 7:45am |
There is, truly, no excuse for domestic abuse.
| Mon, 01-02-2006 - 7:45am |
There is, truly, no excuse for domestic abuse.
Here are some of mine.
Excuse: I didn't say no at the moment he assaulted me, so it was consensual.
Leon-the-Loony: I didn't "understaaaand" him enough. I wasn't "paaaaatient" enough. I needed to be more understaaaaanding. I made him feel like he was wrooooooongggg. (Perhaps, because he was.) Leon did love to hold out his vowels.
SIL's Al the Evil: She was "high maintenance". He didn't see what was wrong with what he was doing! Why couldn't she explain? He wanted an explanation! (No, he didn't. What he wanted was an opening to argue with her and try to beat her down. I actually told her this not long ago, and she's had an easier time in the dealings with him that she has to have, now that she's quit trying to give him explanations.)
Excellent questions and excellent examples. I think most of the excuses were pretty much mentioned already. Didn't somebody once comment that these guys use the same abuser's guidebook?
I had pretty much the same excuses or same concepts such as 'you are an enabler, you enable me to do these things to you', 'you made me mad', 'you are not enough', 'you are inexperienced and naive', 'you are not nearly as as I am', 'I am depressed, of course I am going to be that way under the circumstances', 'I am sick, of course I am going to treat you like that under the circumstances', 'I had a bad day, of course I am going to treat you like that under the circumstances' (and a multitude of variations on that same line.
The truth? I do not hold the power of his happiness in my hands. I cannot make his job better, I can not make him rich, I cannot make him feel good about himself, I cannot make him hit, push, smash, break, or scream. I am not responsible for his being sick, depressed, sad, angry, any more than I am for him being happy and cheerful (like that ever happened!). And, well, I am what I am and it is all his opinion if he thinks I am not smart, pretty, physically fit, or wordly. Fact is not everyone shares those opinons about me. I don't share those opions about me. And what I think of myself counts the most. Furthermore, there is a multitude of people who certainly don't share his opinion about himself. They don't think he is very smart, attractive, physically fit, or wordly. That always seemed to bother him quite a bit. So I am willing to guess that he also didn't think so highly of himself either. Unfortunately, he used it as another excuse to be abusive because 'I feel so low about myself that of course I am going to treat you like that'.
Well, life is much brighter now that I don't have this storm cloud constantly hanging over my head and eggshells under my feet. I am so glad to get away from that. That felt good to get out.....
Gonna!
Since I started out on this board several years ago and the former CL of this board.....I HAD to jump in on this one.....
Scott, my abuser (whom I have been abuse free from for TWO whole years now) would come up with excuses for his behavior such as he hadnt taken his meds yet for his ADHD and that was the reason for him lashing out at me and calling me names and throwing things at me.
Oh deary me, the excuses do not change over the years do they??? 9 years after the abuse ended here's mine:
1) You are over weight (i was 114lb!)
2) His sex drive was higher (he sexually abused me for years)
3) He was raped as a teenager (and that was my fault HOW?)
4) He had a mental health problem (no kidding - i now know that he has been sectioned several times and tried to kill himself 3 times and been diagnosed with a personality disorder)
5) You are untidy (there was NOTHING of mine on display when we lived together!)
6) You are stupid (i'm sorry i have a degree and earn more than you!!!)
7) None of my friends like you (He didn't have any friends)
8) I don't deserve you, i'm trying to make you see that (mission accopmplished!)
9) Society does not understand me (OH WE DO, WE JUST DONT LIKE YOU!!!)
You get the idea....whatever reasons the abusers give does not justify their behaviour. People don't understand how a strong woman can stay with a man like this. I have finally figured out that i thought if i loved him enough he would see that and change. I now know that i cannot change anyone, it is not my responsibility....it is theirs. We have responsibility for our own happiness and yes it is hard to leave but we must. I am now very happy but and my experiences have shaped who i am. I do not carry my insecurities over into new relationships but i am more aware of the warning signs and i am a lot less tolerant if i see things going that way.
Anyway, happy new year to all, it is a time to take stock and new beginings.x.x.x
Wow, let me think about this one:
Example:
CL-Blueliner4