QOTW: Why did you/do you stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
QOTW: Why did you/do you stay?
27
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:00pm

A common question and sometimes I don't understand the answers either.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:51pm

Why I stayed:


God values legal marriage more than the individual's sanity.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:32pm

The first half of your list I would have to add to mine. However, I was for the most part aware that he was abusing me, but never called it abuse. Also because I figured if I allowed it then it was partly my fault. I also partly believed that it was my fault for making him angry. I remember so frequently calling my mother, crying, saying he did this or that to me. I remember purposely only telling her about the verbal abuse and skipping over the physical because I was too embarrassed to admit that I put up with it. I also remember telling her that I think he is capable of seriously hurting me, and then with hesitation, telling her that he is perhaps even capable of killing me. That was only maybe 3 years into the 13 year relationship. But then he would seem nice. No, he never showered me with gifts (actually I received next to nothing, including Bdays and Xmas, for those 13 years), he only told me how much he loved me. He would tell me how beautiful I am. I guess that is what I was eating up. I just wanted to hear those things, so I stayed. Then the abuse would start again and he would say he doesn't love me, thinks I am getting 'flabby' and doesn't want to be with someone ugly. I would be hurt because I wasn't getting what I needed, which was to hear the nice things. Then he would go back to telling me he loves me and the doubt would disappear again. And so it continued over and over and over again. Some abuse cycles only with verbal abuse, some with physical...but as long as I eventually got those words, I was ok until the next cycle.

Guess I figured out eventually that those words were meaningless and stopped putting up with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 6:48am
I stayed because I guess deep down inside I thought I deserved it because I have had no self worth or respect for myself. I also kept thinking that he was going to change into this wonderful man who would really love me and respect me if I would just do this or that right. I was in denial to myself and my family. I have no idea what it is to really truly be loved in life. All I new was control, manipulation, mind games, and pain. He gave me what I was familiar with and I was miserabley comfortable with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:21am
My reasons changed over time and I constructed them out of fear until ultimately my fear of HIM propelled me into action. At first I didnt see it as staying in an abusive marriage I saw it as standing by my man...I believed he was a good person fighting demons and if I loved him enough, tried harder, did better then we could conquer those demons. The demons ranged from drinking, anger and I even convinced myself he was bi-polar in order to deny the reality which was fast becoming beyond my control. When this illusion fell apart and I knew wihtout doubt what my marriage truly had become I become not a prisoner of hope but a prisoner of fear...I was afraid to leave, afraid he would hunt me down, steal my kids, I was afraid me and the kids would sink into poverty, starve, I was afraid becasue by that point I did believe I was stupid F***ing retard, that maybe I was lucky that any other man would have beat me by now...but fear is only an effective prison for so long because as soon as I saw abject fear in my daughters eyes those prison walls shattered and I began to fight back. I was still afraid but I was more afraid of staying than of leaving and of course all my fears proved unfounded. Turns out he was too much of a coward to hunt me down, I am certainly not starving and I live a heck of a lot better than he does or ever will.
However, I did discover in the two years since I found my courage to leave that there was another reason I stayed that I was not aware of at the time but have come to understand. I never understood how I SHOULD be treated by a man, I never understood that I should be loved and cherished, respected, that I deserve affection, attention and adoration but I do now and I will never, ever settle for less becasue until it comes along I can be emotionally, spiritually fulfilled through valuing myself, loving my children, being a friend, a daughter, a person that I like and respect. It was a hard learned lesson but I am so happy it wa learned in time for me to experience it.
I hope this helped someone to seek their courage to leave or even to reach out for help.
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:25am

I thought I could "fix" him. He was everything I thought I'd wanted and never had- romantic (oops, make that over-possessive), had a close-knit family- his mom was great, I still wish there'd been a way to ditch him and keep her. Stereotypical tall-dark-n-handsome, had an advanced degree. He would have been a really spectacular "catch", if he hadn't also been an emotional mess with absolutely no sense of cause-and-effect relationships. I thought if only I could "hang in there" and "fix him", what a great catch this would be!

The wisest thing I ever heard of came from a lady I was pen pals with at the time. She was older than I, and had BTDT. She wrote, "Honey, this is not the Marines. You don't get honorable discharge papers and college money at the end of your tour of duty. There is no reason to 'hang in there'." So, I think that's a question to ask yourself if you're staying- what, at the end of the day, are you REALLY going to gain from doing so?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 2:37pm

1. The torment I know he will inflict upon me if I do leave. (IE: constant phone calls,threats,following me,having his family "watch" me,using the children as leverage..etc)

2.I've always,from the time I was a child,had someone telling me what to do.As much as I hate it,I've grown so used to it that I fear I can't function on my own.I have anxiety attacks just thinking about it.

3.Financial reason: I have no job, no training & 4 children.

I'm working hard on all of these issues,& I feel that I'm progressing...slowly but surely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 4:38pm

I stay because I worry about him. That he's alone. He has no freinds, his mom passed away a year ago, he's had four surgeries in two years (broken collar bone and broken rotar cuff) and because I think he truly loves me. Plus, he only hits me once every few years when I "egg him on."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 12:12am
Just some food for thought: "Once every few years" is about once more than my husband has ever, ever hit me. I have bipolar disorder, and once when I was a bit unglued, I yelled "Come on, hit me, you know you want to!" He burst into tears, and said, "No, I don't want to! I won't do such a thing! I love you!" If that is not egging someone on, I don't know what is, and yet he refused to do it. What does that tell you about how someone who really, truly loves you acts?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:14am
Thank you. That helps me to stop feeling so guilty. Thank you.

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 3:24pm

Great question. I haven't read the other answers yet but my main reason for staying so long is fear. Not that I'm afraid of living on my own with two small children. I have no doubt I could handle that. It would be tough, but I could do it. My first fear is H's reaction when I finally tell him I can't do this anymore. The only violent things he's done is once punching a hole in the wall, once throwing a phone at the wall and then random slamming doors, kicking toys, etc. Also, when I was very late getting home one night he had locked me out with the chain on the door and when he opened it for me he grabbed me by my purse and shirt and pulled me inside. I had my keys in my hand and started pounding on his chest and he let go. Moments later is when he punched the hole in the wall. I guess that incident keeps me wondering what would happen if I ever left. Would I be the one he punched?

The biggest fear factor is how he'll be with my kids. I know he'll want to tell them it's my fault, that I'm breaking up our family, that I'm sending him away, that "mommy doesn't want daddy around anymore" - things like that. I don't want him to start the mind games and guilt with them. Right now, it's minimal and they hardly ever see us fight. I fake my way through most everything and have at least convinced him that it's not good for them to see us in a big fight.

Slowly my fears of the example our marriage is setting for them are taking over the fears listed above. Slowly but surely, I hope. I'm getting tired of being so afraid.

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