QOTW: Why did you/do you stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
QOTW: Why did you/do you stay?
27
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:00pm

A common question and sometimes I don't understand the answers either.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 4:32pm

Oh geez there are so many reasons why I stayed. The main one is that I thought I could change him and make him better. Make his illness go away...make him stop using drugs. I thought for sure that I was lovable enough that he would change for me. i thought that looking at my bloody nose and black eyes would make him want to change. I was pretty sure that he loved me and the kids enough to change. But, he didn't.

I wasn't able to leave until I changed everything about myself. It was *me* not loving me, and *me* that had to change, not him...I had to find self-esteem, and self-love, and I had to find stability for my kids, and safety from harm.

I had no support, not from family, or friends, I was completely reliant on him for money, for everything. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I did it. It's been 3 and a half years and I'm still recovering from it. Mostly from wondering how the heck I got to that place, where I meant nothing, and he meant the world. I hope I never end up back there again.

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:38am

The ? should be actually, "Why did I marry him?"


When ... he raised a hand to me, in a drunken state, SO drunk he didnt know who i WAS, within 2 months of our relationship. I fled to his brothers house & stayed the nite there.


He didnt threaten anything phsycially like that for many (3) years later ... but it was only a preview of my life for the bext 8-9 years.


I stayed through alcoholism, ? infidently, definate porn crap, unemployment,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:42am

Lisa, what an incredibly moving post those words form.


You should be so proud! R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:44am
God BLESS that pen pal! Great quote!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:45am
Sweetie- please stick around here & read LOTS of archives & on teh sister board as well.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:48am

Sweetie- thats the CONTROL he has over your mind.


How did i fix/avoid that 1st fear?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:50am

You did a brave thing Sarah & you should be VERY proud of yourself!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:41am

Thanks R, it has been an incredible year for me and for my healing and being able to put words to my feelings has been a big help.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:02pm

I have been reading your posts. Thank you. I guess my worry is that I will keep coming on here everyday, telling my story and you all will get sick of me. "hello.. you need to leave" and I will keep saying "I can't". You know, like all my freinds have and they don't even know half of it. They just don't understand why I won't leave.

The weird thing is that I want to leave. I hate living with him. i hate going home to him. He got mad at me Tuesday night because he was trying to play with me, he got on top of me and was tickling me and being silly. I got mad and told him to get off me. He flipped and started yelling at me. "What's wrong with you? I'm not gross! I'm not messing around, I have no diesases" and we started arguign again.

Then, Wednesday morning when he was still mad at me and we were arguing and I made the hand gesture of waving goodbye (because I'm constantly telling him I want him to move out) and he threw his razor at me. Its an electric razor but he threw it hard and it hit my elbow and it hurt sooo bad. I couldn't stop crying. So I went up to my bedroom and was waiting for him to leave and he came up there and said "I'm leaving in ten minutes, come down and talk to me. Be mature for once and come down and let's get this resolved"

So I did go downstaris and we talked but nothing got resolevd. He called me when he got to work and wanted me to come have lunch with him and then called back to say forget it.

I had to leave work early yesterday because my daughter was sick so I was home when he got home and we didn't talk at all last night. So then he called me this mroning and was like "I'm so lost, will you come have lunch with me? My job is so confusing and I need to get out of here. I need to find something else, I just need help. I feel like they don't like me here and at home its the same thing. I dont' know waht I am going to do, I feel like I"m going to freak out." So I said I'd come have lunch with him but of course, I dont want to.

I have been reading the book "co-dependent no more" and I got a few other books like "Why does he do that? : inside the minds of angry and controlling men" and "Is he depressed or what? : what to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn" and I hid them in the bathroom but he foudn them. And he told me he found them but he didn't say if he read them or anythign else. Just "I found your books you hid in the bathroom"

I have not read those two but I did read most of co-dependent no more. I definately am one of those "pleasers" people. I have to make sure that everyone is happy, sort of thing.

Anyway, sorry for the long drawn out post but I am dreading lunch. I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 3:51pm

You stay out of fear--In my case I stayed for 5 years--we went to college together, he told me that if I left he would kill me--he told me that if I left he would kill himself--he told me that if I chose to end the relationship that I would have to leave school because it was "his" school. The thing is, he would have!--He was extremely violent and I have no doubt that one day I would end up .

He threatened me on a daily basis telling me that I couldn't leave because he couldn't live without me.--The ironic thing is that he finally left me---for someone else---then he proceeded to call me--he called me on the morning of his wedding asking me to move back to the area and be his !--I truly believe that the only thing that saved me was putting physical distance between us--that and the grace of God.

It's strange, that relationship ended 15 years ago. I am now happily married for the past 12 years to a wonderful man! The thing is though, I have just begun to share what went on in that relationship with my husband. I spent so many years trying to forget it but not really acknowledging how much it affected me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get past this--I feel like I finally really need to face this and get past it but I don't know how.