QOTW: Why did you/do you stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
QOTW: Why did you/do you stay?
27
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:00pm

A common question and sometimes I don't understand the answers either.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:04am
I reason I have stayed for this long cause I am now scared of my inlaws they have already started to stalk me and mess with my ssi which is my only income.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:40pm
I guess the reason why I've stayed with him is because I've known him since we were 5 years old and I can't bring myself to think that he is this abusive guy. I mean I knew him growing up and knew his family. I guess I am holding on to this unrealistic thing that I can change him. I never hear of him doing this kinda thing to anyone else he has dated. I am the longest relationship he's had, but he's had other that lasted like a year. and I never heard of anythign happening with them. So, that makes me think it's me. He always seems happier with other girls when we were seperated. And I just can't stand to think that it's only me. "why can't I give that to him too??" the happiness he had with them. Another reason is because I don't want to be a failure. I have broken up with him before like 3 times, and each time I always went back (not sure if that was good or bad)and I feel like if I would leave AGAIN, everyone would look at me and be like "what is her problem and I would look like the bad guy. Cause his family will never know what he does behind closed doors. So, at times it just seems easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 6:43pm
Oh how I have learned to loathe that question! Everytime it is asked I feel as if it placing blame on me, placing fault on me, placing the reason what happens is because of me. How easy it is for those who do not understand to simplify it all in a 4 word question. Please I am not directing anything I am saying to those who come to this board, it is just seeing that question as in hearing it churns up so much in me. Okay so I guess I can answer it again,,,,why do I stay? more than one reason as is probably the same for most. Financial, Children, Shame and Fear I suppose are the biggest reasons.
Next question,,,will I ever leave one day? I honestly can't answer that until that one day comes,,,,,or not.
Thank You for this board,,,,,,,,just found it. Leah
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2005
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 11:29pm

Just stumbled upon this board. Thought I might chime in on this one.

I've been at least 2 years out, and I remember the moment that made me leave. Thinking about why I stayed though: That's tough to answer. Each reason that I come up with could easily be ripped by those that have never been in such a relationship. But here they are anyway:
I belived I couldn't do better. I belived that I deserved it. I believed that we could make it if I prayed harder. As it was I left for my DD and not myself. Today I know better, but it took a long while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 11:43pm

Thanks Rebecca. We should ALL be proud. Those of us who left should be proud that we had the courage to leave...and those of us that stay should be proud that we have the strength to find support.

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 9:02pm
Hear, hear.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:19am

Why did I stay? Or why did I keep going back with him?

I did not realize I was being abused, especially before we got married. I just thought that this is what was normal; he was my first real boyfriend. Now that I look back I am shocked at all the signs.. In grade school, he would kick my girl friends in the shins or “pick on them”. The teachers and even my parents said, “Well that means he likes them.” I couldn’t understand that and now I know why, because they were wrong. Never tell this to your children. When he would put me down because he didn’t like my hair, clothes, shoes . . . I accepted it because I couldn’t afford nice clothes, shoes or get my hair done. When he told me I was too fat, how could I argue with him, I am fat. He threatened my life one time after we broke up but I didn’t make the connection between the threat and him actually making an attempt by tampering with my utilities “hoping my house would blow up with me in it”. If it weren’t for my son, I would probably still be with him. What I couldn’t see him do to me, I saw him do it to our son. The manipulation, verbal abuse, and neglect (more emotional than physical). Sometimes, I still feel like I don’t deserve any better, but my son definitely does.
Leaving has been the hardest thing to do and I question and doubt it everyday because things are so much worse now. I am more scared now. Scared that he will snap and possibly kill me, but even more scared that I may one day believe he has changed and end up taking him back. So, while physically we are apart he is still in my head everyday. After everything that has happened, I am not angry with him. I feel sorry for him and part of me still even loves him.

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