Question..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Question..
15
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 12:56am

Does it matter if I ask for anger management class for him? Not saying much but it will be granted most probably. I am not sure if that would help or antagonize him further resulting in more grief for dd.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
In reply to: winter2007
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 1:01pm

court ordered classes etc are a effective as carrying water in a bucket with a hole in the bottom....after volunteering for the Betty Ford Clinic for the kids I learned a very real way of understanding...they are teaching the kids why the adult doesnt just quit and why they cant help the adult along with it is not their fault and such....the kids are taught that unless the person who is "caught" asks for help, "T&R" cant come...only when the person who is caught asks for help can T&R help...(T&R is treatment and recovery by the way)...I can see this being just as true for the abuser...unless the abuser asks for help no treatment can help..even court ordered treatment. It comes down to the individual needing to realize and accept they need help before they can receive help...remember when your daughter was a baby and you started feeding her a new food?...I am sure there was at least ONE food she flat out refused to eat...even when you forced it into her mouth, it probably came right back out...well treatment is like that new food...if the individual refuses to take it in it cannot do any good...

So yeah for the courts ordering something but sad that it will be a complete waste of hope...yes there is a chance (the size of the tip of a straight pin) he will change from these mandated programs, but until HE is willing to realize HE is the problem and stop blaming YOU it will go in and be spit right back out once he walks out the door for the day.

Meanwhile, how are you and dd doing? has your dust settled any? has she started to relax and accept things are going to be this way or is she still trying to manipulate you to doing things her way?

Hang in there, the road is bumpy but when we get to the end of this road the next one will be a little smoother.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In reply to: winter2007
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 6:26pm
Not to mention that his is not an "anger" problem. His is an abuse problem. Anger management is for people who have problems controlling their anger. He has no problems at all with that. If he did, he would treat EVERYONE the same way he treats you and dd. So, IMO, he controls his anger quite well. The problem is where/how he directs it: towards you and dd, by being abusive. So, to answer your question, I'm with Kat. It's a waste of time and most likely will just result in him learning (from other "classmates") more new and creative ways to abuse y'all without "appearing" to.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: winter2007
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 7:27am

I tried anger management with my DS. It was mom ordered not court ordered and still failed. He did not want to go and every week it was a struggle to get him to go. And not the same I get with counseling at times. And he admits he needs help!! He claimed it was because the anger management he went to was a group and he hated that.

I am with everyone else that it wont work if court ordered but being the witch I am I would be tempted to still go for it to try and annoy him. But that is not a good reason to do anything just annoyed with abusers getting away with everything!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: winter2007
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 8:29am

You know I have been away from abuse for years now but those questions you guys pose here are always rolling around in my head and I wonder why?

Anyway; My ex husband called me a few days ago for sympathy I am assuming.He just broke his leg and I think he was asking me to help him.

The strange part is that when we were chatting a bit on the phone it seemed that I couldnt get off fast enough. He controlled the whole conversation to the way he wanted it and he was always right about everything no matter what I said.

I was so taken aback that I was so happy that I am not subject to that sickness anymore. I call it a sickness or some sort of mental disorder he has because I have been around normal people and a normal life for many years now and he appears as one sick man.

In saying that I still have a hard time trusting men and I dont know if that will ever change.. and I know if I dont trust again I cant love again and i want so much to trust ..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
In reply to: winter2007
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 5:17pm

I dont care personally..but I was told to ask for that for sake of DD who still needs to deal with him. Or perhaps parenting classes would be more appropriate? On one hand I dont want to do more to get him off edge but at same time..dd needs to deal with him..and if anything could have helped..I know the answer is nothing helps them but at the same time..not asking for any thing kind of sends the message that "you are perfectly normal and can have access to dd anytime and whenever.."

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In reply to: winter2007
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 7:21pm
Winter, if anything, ask for counseling for your dd to give her the skills she needs to cope with him. You can't fix him to make life easier for her. If anything, having him court ordered to do anything will backfire and make life harder for her. Hon, you're not always going to be around to pave the way for her and make life easy for her and the sooner she starts dealing with things on her own, and learning how to do that, the better off she'll be. You aren't doing her ANY favors by removing all the problems, challenges and "bad" stuff from her life. HE's an ABUSER and you can't fix that. She can learn, with the help of a good therapist, how to minimize, deflect and re-direct his abuse of her. OR she can choose to have no contact with him. The bottom line is: NOTHING is going to "fix" him and the longer you beat your head against that brick wall of denial, the longer you're going to have a headache.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
In reply to: winter2007
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 7:52pm

If your lawyer suggested it, he may be setting ground work to askf or supervised visitation to help protect dd from any abuse during visits...that may or may not be what the plan is...if it is then for sure ask for the classes...anything to help protect dd from being alone with him should he flip again...

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In reply to: winter2007
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 10:25pm
Great response, Kat. I never even thought of that possibility. If that's the case, Winter, ask for him to go to every durned thing you can think of - up to and including psych evals. for everyone. I haven't heard of an abuser yet who has been able to go through one without losing it and showing their true colors.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: winter2007
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 9:32am
That or her lawyer is like most and stupid when It comes to dv

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Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: winter2007
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 9:10pm

Yes--psych evals for everyone, followed by court-ordered counseling, all paid for by him.

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