Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Question
6
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:18pm
Do you think abusers look for a certain type of woman? Do they intentionally look for someone with low self esteem? I'm stepping back and looking at myself, wondering why I get myself in situations in the first place. My counselor is working with me on self esteem issues. He says I "let" myself get run over in certain situations, when I'm dealing with the ex, even now. I don't see how anyone could avoid an abusive situation. If a man has that tendency, he will abuse no matter how you react. I don't think anyone "lets" a person cheat on them, hit them etc. The first time my ex hit me, it came out of the blue. There were no signs etc. It just happened. There is nothing to prevent it. You can't control how someone else reacts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:22pm
Abusers do look for people that will allow them to abuse them. It is their fault for being abusive. For example, a strong woman with a good self esteem will be more likely to leave the relationship at the first abusive incident-there fore he doesn't get the chance to abuse her further.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: jodyannrn
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 2:32pm
I have to throw my two cents in here.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 2:45pm
Ok, that can be true. But I still have to say that when we leave, they don'd have anyone left to abuse and so must look for a new victim.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 2:52pm

Both Wishful and Hope have good points, and IMO, they're both right.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 7:51pm

In my opinion, i think that we women (or men i suppose) who continually choose abusive men, dont KNOW how to NOT choose this type. It scares me. My 1st "bf" was from 15-19 yrs old. He was 5 yrs older & a PSYCO. He became physical with me when i tried to end it, & he was THE most possessive crazed needy person. I was lucky I got out of his grip alive ... at one point he had me locked in a car, in a deserted parking lot, hitting me with a crazed look in his eyes that i will never forget ... & i think i have seen it in STBX's as well. He also at another point in the break up, tricked me into going to his house. I was 19 yrs old, he locked me in the bedroom w/ him by barring the door w/ furnitute. He played Russian Roullete w/ a gun to his head, & he had a knife in his hands the whole time, & at one point he cut his own skin down his chest. Jesus, i feel like i am MAKING THIS UP! But i swear, i am not. I was SO young & stupid. I felt "bad" for him. He wanted to be a cop & i didnt want to "ruin his career". I finally walked out that door, at 4am, w/ him telling me he would blow his head off if i walked out. it was the hardest thing i had ever done at that point in my life ... but i said "You will NOT keep me in this relationship anymore, w/ threats of suicide". I just KNEW i woudl be shot in the back as i left, OR, he would shoot himself. Well, he didnt - & yes, he is a cop now, in my Hometown. Married w/ kids. Scary.

My next major relationship was w/ a much older (i was 20, he was 30) high profile popular rich chef. He flew my all over for vacations, let me use his convertible while i went to college, treated me like a Queen, was incredible in bed (only the 2nd guy i had slept with) & swept me off my feet. Was a functioning alcoholic, now that i look back, & was a coke addict. & a high profile supplier, no less. BIG $$$. But i was SMITTEN. He did treat me like gold ... till i realized he cheated on me on & off. We dated each other, & others, for a couple more years. Screwy. We do remain freinds to this day. He is now very wealthy & successful, living in FLA ows 3 resatraunts, got married & is miserable. Suprise suprise. & yes, still drinks, a LOT.

Then i had a "normal" love of my life relationship w/ a guy who wasnt avaliable! Of course! He was from Greece, it was impossible for him to stay w/o defecting (he was high up in the Greek military as a career) & i couldnt leave my family & go live there - although he asked me to. He lived here w/ me for the best 5 months of my life. I travelled to greece the next year, but after that, we werent able to keep up the relationship. I was heartbroken.

Then proceeded to party & make some BAD choices for a couple of years - early 20's, i was drinking a lot, sleeping around, looking for Lord KNOWS what. But i DID have fun. ;) I *did* have a couple decent relationships during this time, but mostly dysfunctional or 1 nite stands. (sheesh, i sound HORRIBLE!)

& THEN ... My H turned up. I was 27 & ready to settle down, though he was "fun" & handosome ... yeah, he was FUN alright. Ugh.

So ... needless to say, i SWEAR, if i ever get into a serious relationship again, i dont know, i will have to be SO careful & i WILL LISTEN THIS TIME , to family & freinds.

& as for the abusers? I think they will get away with what they can. But i dont think a stronger woman makes much of a differnece in how the abuser acts in the long run. I think it just makes a difference that she wont STAY with him. Hopefully.

R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 8:49pm

I think we as nurses pick people to take care of. I know I did. Everyone else's feeling come before mine. I felt sorry instead of getting angry. I always thought everything was my fault.

Relationships aren't easy. I can only think of a couple people that seem to have a happy marriage. Most people I know that are married are unhappy. My mom and dad divorced and are both remarried to their new spouses and are still unhappy. There is no perfect person out there. There will always be problems, just different ones.

I intend to work on myself before I go out there and try to date again. I tend to meet psychos too. I married an abusive man, stayed with him for seven yrs. Then after I divorced I dated a man who was even more psycho than the ex husband. I'm thinking there has got to be something wrong with me. There has just been too much drama in my life and I'm trying to find out what I'm doing wrong.