Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Question
2
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 1:49am
I am curious how many of those of us in abusive relationships (or finally out of one) were abused as children? Is there a corrilation? (SP?) I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was 4 and my paternal grandmother was very controling as well as both my parents in different ways. How many others are like m, struggling with the present because of what we were taught in our past?

Love and Peace to all my sisters

LJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: traveler_43
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 6:49am
Hi traveler,


I won't be surprised to find it common. My counselor told me one of the reasons I hooked up with Wendell and stayed so long was because I didn't know any better. I thought that was how most people live. Funny part is, there are alot of marriages out there that I thought were similar to mine. Since I spent my life trying to please him I lost all contact with my friends and most of my family and we basically hung out with his friends who were very much like him. If we happen to meet a normal couple, he would find something wrong with them. I grew up in an abusive environment and had very low self esteem when I met Wendell. He was arrogant and very demanding. He also claimed he could not live without me...that he needed me. Well, at that time, all I thought I wanted in life was someone to need me. So him telling me that was enough to hook me.



Terry

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: traveler_43
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 7:14am
I agree with Terry. I think most people stay in their 'comfort zone'. If our childhood was abusive, that is what we consider is normal so we look for it in our adult life - if that be always seeking approval or attention - that is what we look for, someone who will give us approval and attention. Abusers tend to realize what we need, give it to us to hook us, then dangle it in front of us like a carrot in front of a horse - just enough to keep us close to them.

I also believe that abusers were abused in their childhood - they have reacted differently to it than we have. Because of their abuse, they have low self esteem and confidence, therefore our need to please and be approved and accepted is so strong, that we feed them what they also need - our attention.

Doesn't make either side right though. Those who have been abused as a child in any way (emotional, verbal, or physical) need to recognize it and then deal with it to move on. More often, we the abused, are able to see it. The abusers seem to keep the blinders on.

Pam