Question about transportation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Question about transportation
13
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:26pm
Hi everyone. Just wanted to ask a quick question. The other night, my husband was showing some of his worst behavior towards me, and my stepdaughter was stirring things up between us which was causing things to escalate quickly. He became very verbally abusive and even threw things and was very physically intimidating, but he doesn't actually hit or touch me. However, I felt it was necessary for me to take my child and leave, at least for a while.But when I got my keys to go, he told me I could not take his car. My car is not running right now, but actually both of the cars are in both of our names.I was too afraid to attempt to leave in his car, so I just stayed and tried not to stir anything up. My question though is if this happens again, should I go ahead and take the car? I suppose there is really not a whole lot, short of an escalation of abuse, that he could do to stop me. I think since the car is in my name as well, I have the right to take it. Anyone have any insight?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 12:43am
Where were you heading when you decide to get behind the wheel? If you're upset and you drove someplace and take the child w/you, do you think that's safer than having to call the police, so they will intervene. If you left, what if you couldn't get back inside, because he kept the doors locks, you'll have to break in your windows / doors, and that will be like breaking and entering in your own home, will that look any better in front of your stepchild?


You have the right to take the car, but is there some way to avoid so you don't leave, like go in the other room and keep the door locked where you and your stepdaughter can be safe from him? Maybe, you can tell him, if it happens again, and it better NOT HAPPEN AGAIN, you have the RIGHT TO CALL THE POLICE AND go straight to the phone, after you've warned him to settle down or calm down. You should not leave, he should be the one to leave! He has no right to share the home where you can be safe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 2:19am

Hi ilvdana, and welcome -


I understand the point you are trying to make about not driving when overly emotional, but if she felt she or her daughter were in danger, the best thing to do is get out of the house.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 2:29am

Yikes.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:44am
Thanks for the welcome to your group. I grow up in an abusive family, dysfunctional, you've read about it in my prev. posts, I'm sure. I'm happily married now at 30, two boys. I've had many experienced with abuse, and have neighbors and friends who've been there. I hear and sees first hand verbal, physical, and mental abuse all my 50yrs. I also enjoy reading true crimes that Ann Rule have published. I like to get inside people's minds of why they do what they do so I can understand them. I've also asked Dh to volunteer with United Way crisis hot line, to learn and understand ME.

I'd like to know, have you actually been ABUSED OR HAVE BEEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

Funny, you have the same birthday as my DH's. He'll be 53, you and I should get along just fine. :)


Edited 1/28/2004 3:49:05 AM ET by ilvdana24

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 10:46am
I agree w/what Blueliner told you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 12:47pm

To answer your post, yes, I have been.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 12:57pm
Something about your post troubles me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I'm being ultra-sensitive; but I get the feeling that maybe you are here more to satisfy a sense of curiosity than for support yourself? Maybe it was your reference to liking "True Crime" stories? If I am totally off-base, I apologize. I don't understand you're presence here and what kind of help you are seeking or offering.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:29pm
Seems that I'm not wanted here, I'll leave. I read DH that posts, he happened to be there w/me at that time. He responded for me. Guess his answer is not a perfect one.

True Crimes: if you read about it, is where many women some men, ends up if they remain with their spouses, because of their mental, physical and verbal abuses. True crimes are where real stories are based on, written by a retired cop who've seen it all. I didn't just read a book today, then share you what I've read. I'm sharing what I've experienced growing up in an abusive home, who lived thru it, even after I've moved and gotten married. My relationship w/my mom, my relationship with previous mate (s), I guess I really don't have anything to share because I was not a victim of physical. Was getting tied down in a sheet, and hanged on a ceiling not good enough! Or being molested by a church member not physical enough? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm on the wrong board. We're talking about dometic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:37pm
If both names are on the car, he can't stop you from taking it and the police will tell him that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 12:57am
In answer to you question about where i was heading, fortunately I am not so isolated as to not have several close friends. I could easily stay at a friends home if I needed to. I was also not so upset as to not be safe driving. I honestly do not think it would have been better to call police at that particular time as I don't think they could really do anything unless he had been physically abusive, and also because the police have thankfully never been in my home. So far things have not gotten so out of hand that i've had to call police in front of my children. I'm sure the police coming into our home would upset them more than me calmly leaving and going to visit a friend for a while. I certainly don't see myself having to break in my windows. I do have keys to the house, and even so, like i've already said, I could always stay with a friend if need be.Also I don't think you understood that I have a teen step daughter and a younger biological daughter. I don't think it would have been good to lock us up in one room for various reasons, but esp. because I was downplaying (as i often find it neccessary to do in front of the kids)the situation. Regardless of what is going on between my husband and I, unless I think we are in real immediate physical danger, I think it is best to downplay for their sake until we am able to get out safely. And that is one reason i asked this question, in case it ever does get to that point, I will be prepared. I see no reason to tell him it better not happen again, because it inevitably will as long as i am with him, and if not me it will be whomever else he is involved with. It's not that simple to solve. And sometimes it is neccessary to leave your home even if it's not what you would call right or fair.I don't mean to offend but you mentioned your husband read the post and gave you his opinion? It kind of makes me wonder what kind of guy he is.

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