Question that i need answering?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Question that i need answering?
5
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 4:08am
I hope that a number of people can answer this question , as im beggining to NOT trust my own judgement yet again.

Hes turning me over to him again , and i need your support..now!

The questions is -

" Why does he keep wanting to come back into the family unit when because of what hes done in the past and recently is affecting his daughters so much that they have had slight nervous breakdowns?"

" why does he want to come back when he must KNOW its not going to work "

" why does he want to come back when hes not interested in getting help , after 10 years of being told to get help , by me , by doctors , by social workers."

Ive told him to get help time and time again , he says he will , but i dont "get it"

when he says he needs ME to help him get some help, he says he doesnt know where to look , he says he hasnt got time as hes a work.

Surely the whole idea is for him to SHOW me thst hes willing to do it himself........hes not getting this at all!!

My daughters get this more than me??

I do not want him , back , what i do want is my life back.............im just having a VWRY hard time coming to terms with the fact that ive invested so much into this relationship over the years , but he says he loves me and the girls , he would die without us , but on the other hand hes not willing to show us.

Ive been hanging on his words rather than his actions...

I will be moving out of our house very soon to get away , and my daughters think im mad doing this , but i just need to explain why im moving out , becuase i know he will think the worst of me for doing it.

Please help , im at my wits end , my daughters ( 17 & 13 ) seem to have come to terms with this as i have not , im so down at the moment i cant even go out for a pint of milk , i just want to stay in ,i just need some support,please x x x

Tracey,,,,Liverpool.UK

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 10:13am
I do not post often any more and due to time constraints can only check the messages occasionally and I am glad I checked today because your questions are ones that I have asked myslef over and over again and I think I have found some answers that have helped. Just some back ground, I took my 2 children DD5 and DS 18mos and went to a shelter almost 3 months ago and now we have our own place and are discovering a life I had only dreamt about. I am realzing that I am capable, competant and am discovering a new enthusiam and enrgy for things that I have never experienced because I spent all my time keeping him from being angry. I told mt stbx he has 1 year to get it together and then we may talk, drug and alcohol counselling, anger management, paretning etc and all he has done is whine and complain, continue to get mad at me. I have no intention now of any talking I am filing for no contest divorce after a year seperation. He tells me he cant live without us but then will get angry at me if I cannot meet with him or otherwise jump when he says.

I have come to the ultimate conclusion that they continue to act this way because (as all the books say) they simply do not beleive that what they are doing is wrong. My stbx truly thinks that we are supposed to just take his anger, that we deserve it, he still does even though we have left him. I have written over and over again in my journal the exact words you have "Why does he not just get it!". You would think he would be busting his butt trying to show us how much he loves us, yet he continues to act this way, like a whining little baby and then when he does not get what he wants he gets mad and vicious. It was funny because at the Shelter we had a joke that my stbx was the worst honeymoon phase they had ever seen! Usually men try to finess their wives back, not mine...he figured he could win me over by acting like a total whiny baby! What happened to all the "I hate you, I hate this life, I wish I could just leave, get a new life etc etc" for a man who hated everything he sure is singing a different tune now, crying nad begging. I simply asked him (because I have no tears left after this past year of hell with him) where was your "heart" when I begged you to not be angry, when I begged you t be nce to us, when I begged you not to hurt us anymore? Your h sound a ;lot like mine and I did as you did and hung all my dreams on his words and on his promises which all turned out to be lies. Do not listen to him anymore, just get out and you will discover a whole new world. I can promise you that once you are away from him you and your children will begin to shed the hurt and the pain and what will emerge will be a wonderful new family. I am still discovering thongs about myself that I suppressed to keep him happy and I only wish that I had sone this sooner (like the first time I went to the Shelter 3 years ago) and never had to get to t his point.

So remember, do not "fix" it for him, do not get him the help. This is his job, I actually would write a list of things for him to discuss with the counsellor when he went, I had to keep talking him to going etc etc and then I realize dit was not my job, he was still running my life even after I left him! Only he can fix it and you have to let him succeed or fail. I have even told my stbx that even if he does change there is very little chance of us getting back together because if all the dmage he has caused, so any work he does better be for himself and for the kids not for me.

He is going to try to hang on to you by working the "family" aspect, do not let him. He needs to earn the right to be part of a family, being a happy family takes work and he obviously is not willing to cooperate, you will discover that without him around your children become children and your family will blossom without the fear and tension he provides. And finally, HE WILL NEVER "GET IT"!!! Never, never, never...he may seem to get it but that is just an act, they will say what you want and even do what you want for a little while until youdrop your guard and tehn WHAMMO they will be back at it and chances are they will be worse then before (trust me I took mine back last year and within 6 months I was terrified of him).

Stay strong, keep your head up and know that you are a wonderful and beautiful person, go and get that pint of milk and taek some time to come to grips with what is happening. It is not easy but as the old saying goes, it is definately worth it! Keep psoting and reading the stories that are told here, i know when I was where you are at now, the stories here were a huge inspiration to me. We are not alone adn that means the world to us.

Love,

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 1:25pm

Hi Tracey, and welcome back -


It's not that he actually loves you and the girls (that was clearly displayed when your elder daughter had her problems last year), it is that he is refusing to relinquish the control over you and them.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 2:18am
Hia blueliner , please accept my heartfelt thanks for re-inforcing my beleifs in this matter.

Sometimes when you are under so much stress like we , your judgement , and your very soul becomes clouded and you cannot get see as well what you need to see?

How do i get to the archives to look at my old post to get some clarity for myself about Katy ( my daughter) , i just need to go and have a look , and i think everything in my head will fall into place.

Thank You once again , and to Lisa also x x x

See u soon

Tracey x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 5:53pm

Hi liverbabe.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:03pm

In the upper right corner of the screen, there's a tab for the archives.

CL-Blueliner4