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| Fri, 03-04-2005 - 6:24pm |
Hi All,
From weeks of lurking I just want to say how amazing and strong all of you are. I think it's so great that iVillage provides this service, and everyone on this board is so kind and supportive.
My boyfriend of about 4 months has recently been displaying some (but not all) of the qualities of an abuser that have been posted on this board many a time. He gets jealous and posessive, and can be very controlling. He does not like me hanging out with my roommate, who makes it clear that she thinks he's an abuser. He also gets very angry and yells at the smallest things (like, if I'm not home from work when I say I'll be, or if I leave my phone in the car when grocery shopping I will find 7 missed calls all from him). We will have all-out screaming matches, I'll tell him it's over and the next day I get flowers and tears, apologies and promises. He says the anger is "not him" and he's going to show me who he really is, etc.
He hurt his back at work around the time we started dating, and has been on disability with 3 herniated discs, which I think has made him serverly depressed (this behavior has only occurred in the past month or so). He became visibly addicted to narcotic pain pills, but quit taking them when I thought they were what was causing the anger. He even quit badgering me about spending time with my roommate. However, without the pills he turned to alcohol. After this last drunken blow-out, I was officially done. He came to me crying as always, and told me he would quit drinking and get into counseling.
My question is, keeping in mind that he's never laid a hand on me, forced me into anything sexually, blamed me for yelling, called me names or belittled me, etc., should I tell him it's over? He acknowledged that he has been emotionally abusing me with his controlling comments and behavior and would like to seek help to stop. I know that these types of people can never change, but I feel like leaving him now when he's making all these steps to change is negative reinforcement. Is there any way getting counseling can help him stop the angry episodes?
I really appreciate your input. I feel that every post on this board is so intelligent and supportive.
Thanks,
Jen

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Hi Jen, welcome -
These behaviors would have come out whether or not he was injured.
CL-Blueliner4
Blue,
You are so right, and I knew what the response would be before I even posted. Why is it so hard for me to tell him it's over? My roommate says he's manipulated me into thinking I love him, is that what has happened? When I think about it, I do love the guy that is not the raging, angry person. I tell him this, and he says he will make the angry person go away. How does one finally end it? Over the phone, in person, in a letter? What does one actually say, and how to say it without getting sucked back in?
Mind if I hang out here for a while?
Jen
Hang out as long as you want, hon.
CL-Blueliner4
Welcome to the board Jen.
Jen, PLEASE let us fix OUR mistakes, thru YOU. You sound like such a smart eduacted woman. PLEASE PLEASE, i havent even READ the responses to you, but i know what they must be saying.
THIS is what *I* have to say to you:
My STBX is an acoholic. I didnt realize it at 1st, while dating 8 years ago. He was SO fun, so handsome, so popular ... life was just a big old party. Having him passed out, of vomiting, or getting mean when he drank, SHOULD have clued me in ... but God forbid i listened to my inner voice. (listen to YOURS right now, please).
He was never the jealous type, which suprises me knowing he is an abuser. Well, not jealous of other guys, but very jealous of ME, of my close successful family, of my eduation (his GED, compared to my 3 degrees), of my independance & ability to deal with LIFE. At 1st, he would always talk about how pretty & how smart i was. Let me tell you, THAT changed. Drastically as his Depression got deeper.
Depression - ESPECIALLY combined with alcohol & drugs ... it is a LOSING BATTLE for you to stay around. I cannot TELL you the absolute pathetic issues i have had in dealing with all this w/ my H. It nearly ruined my life, & our dd's ... you CANNOT FIX HIM, YOU CANNOT HELP HIM ... it took me EIGHT years to realize this ... I thought "Im strong, Im educated, the way he acts wont affect me ... he's so nice OTHERWISE ..." well, it only gets worse. There are 2 IMPORTANT QUOTES i want you to listen to
1. "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM". (dont see who YOU want them to be)
2. "Let Go of Be Dragged".
Name calling, mine didnt name call for years - but as he got deeper into addiction & depression & lost more & more self esteem, while *I* worked my way up in my career, he stated to hate me. I cannot even type the names i have been called. I STILL cannot BELIEVE i stayed SO long, being treated how i was.
Crying, begging, pleading, promising "I love you so much, you are my life, i cant live without you, i will do anything for you to take me back, I cant lose you" ... we have heard them all. *I* have heard them all 35 times EACH - & finally i realized, its NOT CHANGING. The ONLY thing *I* could change was how i reacted, how i put up with it, & whether or not i woudl stay around for more of the same.
I suggesst maybe you take a look at the "dealing with Alcoholics" board on iV. There are women there who have & do lived lived w/ addicts, & let me tell you, its NOT a pretty thing. & the combo of an addict or alcoholic, & someone who is slowly trying to get you under their thumb, as your BF is doing - is a very scary thing.
Please E me at NwptRN@Yahoo.com if you ever want to talk, Good luck, R~
Oh Jen, we would LOVE you to hang out here as long as you would like, or need to!
The "raging angry person". PLEASE go back & read my posts over the past 5-6 weeks. That is EXACTLY how i have described my H. I ended up w/ his hands around my throat threatening to snap my neck. He has called me HORRID names, in from of out little girl. & he was SO desperate during the end, that he began to use our dd, who he does love, to get back at me.
How do you do it? Carefully, if you think he is a danger to you ... i had ot go the RO route. Maybe others here will have ideas. R~
My therapist said something that REALLY hit home a couple months back, when i was still sort of defending him. I said to her "But he has so many good thinsg about him. He is so kind to people, would take the shirt off his back to help a kid, an old person or an animal. People RAVE about what a wonderful father he is".
She said to me "That is not HIM. HE is the person YOU see. The person he is showing to the outside world is a SHOW. You show the REAL you to those who love you ... YOU are seeing teh real him ... the other is all a show". & that was when i really realized that someone who could call their wife, the MOTHER OF THIER CHILD, a "Fat *unt' or a "Loser C*** B****", or he even once said "I hope you get cancer & die". Can you IMAGINE????
R~
Jen I am very much concerned for you and your wellbeing
If after only 4 months this is happening, if I were you I would
get as far away from this guy as possible. And fast
It is only my opinion but I believe the hitting and beatings
From this man will come in just a short time
Please deal with this guy with the utmost caution
Hugs
Randy
Thank you thank you thank you all for your advice and support! I know very well that this a volatile relationship I need to get out of, and I'm lucky that it is so early on. The reason I posted on this board was because I have recently made a cross-country move, and don't really have many friends (the bf and the roommate are really the only 2). I do care about him, and losing him would hurt a lot (as break-ups often do). I haven't felt ready to end it because I don't feel like I have the support group I did where I used to live, and he is pretty much all I have.
However, your advice has made a big impact. He went away on vacation this week, and I thought I'd have some room to think and breathe. Not quite- Friday night he called me intoxicated, ranting and raving about what I was doing. He called and yelled until about 3 a.m. my time until finally hanging up on me. I didn't hear from him until 10 p.m. the next day, and he had no recollection of the calls. When I informed him, he was all apologies and promises but I told him not to contact me until he has sought help.
From your stories, I know now even a few weeks after AA or counseling, I still can't resume the relationship we had at the beginning. Hopefully he'll respect my feelings and not contact me, and things will naturally come to an end. I am really very sad, especially since I don't have anyone to lean on, but maybe this is my opportunity to make new friends in my new place. I will keep checking everyone's posts and stories here - you all are so inspiring. Thank you for taking me seriously, even though I've only been in a 4-month relationship.
All the Best,
Jen
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