Question From A Lurker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Question From A Lurker
12
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 6:24pm

Hi All,

From weeks of lurking I just want to say how amazing and strong all of you are. I think it's so great that iVillage provides this service, and everyone on this board is so kind and supportive.

My boyfriend of about 4 months has recently been displaying some (but not all) of the qualities of an abuser that have been posted on this board many a time. He gets jealous and posessive, and can be very controlling. He does not like me hanging out with my roommate, who makes it clear that she thinks he's an abuser. He also gets very angry and yells at the smallest things (like, if I'm not home from work when I say I'll be, or if I leave my phone in the car when grocery shopping I will find 7 missed calls all from him). We will have all-out screaming matches, I'll tell him it's over and the next day I get flowers and tears, apologies and promises. He says the anger is "not him" and he's going to show me who he really is, etc.

He hurt his back at work around the time we started dating, and has been on disability with 3 herniated discs, which I think has made him serverly depressed (this behavior has only occurred in the past month or so). He became visibly addicted to narcotic pain pills, but quit taking them when I thought they were what was causing the anger. He even quit badgering me about spending time with my roommate. However, without the pills he turned to alcohol. After this last drunken blow-out, I was officially done. He came to me crying as always, and told me he would quit drinking and get into counseling.

My question is, keeping in mind that he's never laid a hand on me, forced me into anything sexually, blamed me for yelling, called me names or belittled me, etc., should I tell him it's over? He acknowledged that he has been emotionally abusing me with his controlling comments and behavior and would like to seek help to stop. I know that these types of people can never change, but I feel like leaving him now when he's making all these steps to change is negative reinforcement. Is there any way getting counseling can help him stop the angry episodes?

I really appreciate your input. I feel that every post on this board is so intelligent and supportive.

Thanks,

Jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:53pm
I had to think for a minute, if I had really questioned my ex husbands behavior after four months of us dating I wouldn't have lived through the hell of every day life with him for 8 1/2 years. All these little " signs" are exactly that, signs of the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde traits that an abuser possesses. Every one here has all given some great advice and examples to help you, but what it comes down to is you. And you have done something that I don't think anyone of has has done and thats stopped in your tracks and questioned the situation,so for that I give you a standing ovation. Now, I hope you take a litte something from what each of us have said and drop him like a bad habit. Get out before the physical abuse starts, and believe all of us it will eventually start. All this other stuff is just the pre-abuse show. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 4:48pm

Jen:

You've come to the best place to hang out, make new friends, and lean on us! As far as your 4-month relationship, I new my XH ten months, married him and divorced him 26 years later. Obviously, you are a smart girl to consider what a bad idea this relationship can be. Two months, 2 years, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you can see it isn't good and your looking for support.

Every one here gives such great support. I would have never made it to where I am today (FREE) without the help of everyone here.

Take care and keep in touch,
Happy

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