Question for those who have left - What have been the positives or the challenges..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Question for those who have left - What have been the positives or the challenges..
16
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 12:52pm

what could you have done differently post-leaving? Just starting up a discussion poll..to maybe encourage some of us to take that last step..or be more knowledgeable to face what may come their way..

thanks for participating

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000

I would have had enough money to rent a u-haul and take everything at one time...I am still moving a little at a time out of the hosue, trying to get it out before the bank takes it over...Husband doesnot believe they will kick him out...so I want everything out before they do because he wont have time after the fact and he will only focus on his precious accounting stuff and client files...

I am currently glad I left, the stress is so much less, my son was pointing out this house is like a healing house because no one is sick like before and even I am not coughing as much...I had not noticed but he did.

Husband still tries to tell me what I can and cannot do in this house but I remind him he does not have any authority in this house which he then gets mad and sulks and wont provide what we need but I usually have stocked up so we dont really suffer and he is not here to eat up all my stashes so all is good.

I hope you are able to find that final step to cross the bridge to your freedom, it is nice on this side...yes there are strugles and worries but they are different and not as bad


Kat

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sweetie, the best thing I ever heard was in a support group I attended when I first escaped. "The worst day without him in my life is so much better than the best day I ever had WITH him, I will never go back."

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I haven't had to leave in both cases, my kid's dad was forced out.

sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
thanks all..he has avoided crossing the line in a way to get a permanent RO. I need to get out if I want to leave ..would you believe I am almost scared to put up with the backlash from DD and him..What is it that makes me scared to put up with their verbal assaults..when and if I were to leave.
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In a word, conditioning. This didn't come on quickly. It's been happening bit by subtle bit over the years, a trained response. That's a major component of abuse, Winter, they just slap wear you down over time. And you have learned, over time, how to respond to protect yourself and your dd. It's the instinct for survival, and us mamas all have it. When I use the terms "you" and "we" I am speaking generically for all of us, because it is a commonality. We've all been conditioned to respond in a way that protects us as much as we can be. It's survival mode. Hang in there, keep the faith, you'll make it one of these days. Just keep taking those baby steps. They count too.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

Yes, conditioning is probably it. I am so weary of putting up any fight that I am ok with status quo. Maybe that is what makes it difficult as time goes by. But how do you break away and get strong again..I know I have been strong before but DD's whining and crying has put me back. Yesterday I picked her from school. She is having so much anxiety with classes, activities, making the grade, it almost seems selfish on my part to put her through a separation. Oh and get this, I told him last night I can't be doing it all and working. He says I am free to go if I want but he will be seeking full custody. (SIGH) I know all empty threats but like sweets35 had once said, he isn't going to make it easy for me whether I go or stay..and it is almost easier to stay another 3 years..to get the custody situation out of way..as she will be in college. Anyway..taking it a day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000

Just because he "seeks custody" does not mean he will get custody.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011

I was very afraid to leave once I realized that I actually wanted to. I was afraid he would hurt or kill me or the kids or both. I actually still have that fear. There has been no contact since last May when we got a restraining order. Now we just have what they call a "consent order", with much of the same language. He has not seen the kids because the judge ordered supervised visitation and he did not follow through for whatever reason.

I was afraid to leave for various reasons and I have struggled, but I am still glad I left!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2011

Hi. I'm new here and reading this thread has helped me. I'm in process of a lot of change

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

elizabeth - thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles..It takes a while to get self esteem back to get some job..because you have been so beaten down emotionally. A friend of mine - she had just left on her own (no kids) after her H became abusive. She had lost her job but she was in her 20s and had family close by. One altercation led her to falling down and bruising herself..He had just left instead of helping her. When she got around, she didn't wait in the house any longer..just picked her purse and car and went home to her parents. The husband sold the house (her name wasn't in it), drained the bank accounts and also the furniture that she had paid for. She borrowed money to get a lawyer and after a year or so..her ex had to return all the money that was rightfully hers. I think the lawyers have a way to track where the money went and he had to return her share of house etc.

now I know it is probably a different case for you...but wondering if you got any legal help from the shelter and if your H (who I suppose is working) is asked to shell out any CS or Spousal support or return the money. If you were a stay at home for 17 years, you can claim retirement funds and what not.

I know it isn't easy..and I think a lot of women can't afford or even get legal representation and fall by on the way side as they are trying to deal with a zillion other things. I am so sorry..but I am glad you posted to the board. There are women out here who may offer you alternative ideas..can you retrain yourself in some thing you like..maybe childcare/preschool teacher. You said you had home schooled your kids..I know it is all easier said than done..but do seek support here and the other boards..and slowly you will gain strength and confidence. And there is a bright side to this..you said NO to the abuse and you are safer for it. It will take time..but few years from now, your kids will be like any kids..and hopefully standing up on their feet. Oh, and it is good that they are in public schools..my dd and all our friends..we all chose to send our kids to public schools.as long as the area you live in is not crime ridden or soemthing, public schools do a decent job in my opinion.. It is important that the kids socialize with their peers and have something else besides home issues to deal with..Good luck to you

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