Questioning abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Questioning abuse
17
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 2:14pm

I've been here on and off for a few months now. After leaving my H, him filing for divorce, court date being set on 2/14, I'm wondering was I abused? No, he never did anything physical to me. He shoved me now and then but rarely and that was when I really pissed him off. He called me a b*tch, wh*re, sl*t every now and then. Again, when I really pissed him off. He did control the money, all of the money. I wrote the bills, did the shopping, budgeted the home all on what he would allow me, while he banked the rest for "retirement". He hated when I talked on the phone. He would get mad when I didn't make him his "snack" at night, which would end up to be some big meal. My sister-in-law would tell me I was like a short-order cook at midnight. He hated most of my friends. I lost many of them due to his judgment. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends without the 5th degree first, only to come home to the 5th degree if I was late. He hated when I washed my car instead of taking care of the house. He used to say "you and that f***in car." He used to complain if I took off a day from housework only to take a break, would say "these floors need swept, when are you going to put those clothes away, etc." I seldom bought anything for myself. If I did, I would hide it and bring it out hoping he didn't notice once I had it on.

Yet, we lived in a beautiful, older home that I took pride in because I made it my life. I didn't have anything else. I didn't feel his support or comfort when I needed it. Yeah, in life trajedies (like my father's death), he was there somewhat. Remember 9/11 (who could forget)? He wasn't there for me. I went to the church for comfort. However, he held my DD and hugged her while lighting a candle that evening. I'll never forget that. I stood in the kitchen and watched. I believe if I can remember right his words were "me and her are going outside to light a candle" as I cleaned up the kitchen. I didn't go out because I didn't feel like he wanted me with him and her. It's always how he made me feel.

Now I'm questioning maybe it was me. It was all me. I didn't sleep with him for years because he made me feel like I was his piece. There was never any romance, just a squeeze of the cheek here or the boob there, expecting me to feel like sex?

Yet, he laughed, he worked hard, he played, he loved Christmas, he was a great father. I just question, maybe I read too much and thought he was emotionally abusive. I just question...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 12:54pm

Hi Happy -


If you weren't abused, I wasn't either.


This doubt cycle you're in right now is completely natural, but I want you to take a second look at your post for me.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 1:48am
Your situation sounds a lot like mine, but fortunately my H has been out of the country working and doesn't return until another couple of months. It has been so nice having the house to myself and not having to listen to the constant nagging and criticizing. I have a plan though. I recently went back to work full time and have decided that if things go back to the way they were when he returns, I will not stay. He has told me that he has a new appreciation for his life back here and the kids. Only time will tell.....don't question whether or not you're being mistreated, because you definitely are. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 8:41am
hi, your post describes my life to a tee. Mu husband has been gone for 3 1/2 months a due back in a couple weeks and i dont know how i feel about it. I have thouroughly enjoyed the house to myself and my family is alot calmer. There isnt that friction and stress there. But i do have to say that we have fought for 3 1/2 months about everything under the sun on the phone and via email. I am so tired of the name calling and criticism. sometimes too, I question if it abuse and if I am just crazy. I dont know where we stand when he gets home. I have enjoyed my life since he has been gone and have been alot happier. It is almost like since the problemis not here i have been able to look at my life from the outside looking in and realized how things are. Because i guess when the problem is here, you kind of look at them a different way and they always seem to disappear under the rug. He has the mentality that as soon as he apologizes for calling me names or bullying me that i should just forive and forget but ithas been going on for 8 years. How do you go on and forgive when it is a continuous cycle that never seems to stop? I dont want my kids to lose their family so should i make that ultimate sacrifice and stay to make them happy and not myself and live ina life that i am not sure that I want anymore?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 9:47am
But your dilemma is not most likely accurate. Almost always in abusive homes you do your kids no favor by staying. It is traumatic for them and it teaches them to get into abusive relationships when they grow up-so that's what all your suffering and sacrificing is most likely going to result in if you stay.
Avatar for bama1gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 3:14am

Wouldn't it make life easier if they just hauled off and smacked us once in awhile? I often would stand in front of Eric thinking just that thing - please, hit me so that I'll KNOW it's abuse. I haven't told my story in a very long time here, mainly because I've been trying to look forward as much as possible. And to not have to remind myself that I spent 12 years letting someone treat me like garbage because I thought that's what I deserved. Even now, sometimes, it sneaks up on me. That feeling that I deserved it. Maybe because I'm lonely, I let it creep in now and then - I've been out 19 months and not 1 date yet. But when that happens, I lurk here and am reminded that I never deserved what he did to me.

Eric's control of my life began shortly after we met, although I never would have seen it that way at the time. It was gradual in some ways, but in other ways it wasn't. He moved me to very remote areas of Arizona because that's where the jobs were - it really was his way of getting me away from my family and friends. We never did much of anything that he didn't want to do. He sabotaged anything that we wanted. He often excluded me from things with the girls - tried to keep me home as much as possible. I was so programmed that I would end phone conversations when I heard him pull into the driveway so that he wouldn't know I had even been on the phone. I may have held the checkbook, but he controlled the money - even when he pretended that I controlled it. He controlled what we ate and when we ate it - not by telling me what to cook or when, but by not eatting what I cooked or casually asking where dinner was when he thought it should be served. No one was allowed to make any noise if he was still in bed on the weekends or holidays. No one took a shower or did laundry or dishes before he got up because then there wouldn't be enough hot water for him. The phone didn't ring before 10am on weekends. And no one spoke too loudly until we gauged what kind of mood he was in. We were all afraid to ride in the car with him but didn't dare say it out loud. He knew where I was every second of the day and how long it would take me to get from point A to point B. He knew how much time I could reasonably spend in Safeway or Walmart, and he knew how long it took to drive from my parents home to our home without stopping. One time, when I started a new job after being home fulltime for 11 months, he called the house about every half hour until I called him later that afternoon to ask him a quick question. When he heard my voice, he said, "where the hell have you been all day?" I reminded him that I started my new job, and he told me to email him my work hours and new phone number so that he could remember next time. My name was eventually changed to "fat, lazy, worthless, b****", and even now I struggle to not identify myself with that name.

What's the point of all that? Basically to tell you that if you weren't abused by your husband, then neither was I. I've read your posts from the very first time you were here. I remember your story. I know what happened to you. And I know how very similar your story is to my own. Abuse comes in many forms. Anything that takes away your basic human rights is abusive. Sure, you got angry and yelled at him. Hell, I can't count the number of hours I wasted over the 12 years Eric and I were together by yelling back at him. It was all pointless, though. It was always my fault, no matter what had happened. I tried to leave him once, about 5 or 6 years ago. I told Eric I was monumentally unhappy and thought we should get a divorce. You know what he said? That if I was unhappy it was my own fault and I shouldn't make the rest of them unhappy by breaking up our family just because I couldn't be happy. You know the worst part of the whole thing? I believed him.

Reread some of your old posts. You can do an advanced search using your screen name and find everything you've ever posted. Remind yourself of the things you've been through. And then think about where you are now. You didn't come here on a whim. You came here because you knew that something wasn't right in your marriage. You stayed here because you found other people who knew what you were talking about because we had the same things in our own marriages. Don't let him off the hook now by taking the blame again. It wasn't your fault that he was abusive - and he is an abuser. Start looking forward, make plans for the future. That is the best way to get over the past.

Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 10:10am

A District Justice told me this once... (well, not in these exact words but...)


In relationships, if you don't have a choice/aren't given a choice, it's abuse.


If you don't have a choice as to whether you make the midnight snack or not, right there is a red flag.


You're human, too.


I hope everything gets better for you soon. :)


~Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 12:04pm

Thank you so so much for that support and vote of confidence. I was reading your post and I'm like "this is me; this was me and him"!!! I'll have to go back and view the old posts. I'm sure that will help me when I'm down like that again.

The day after Christmas I was thinking about it again. I'm laying there sobbing wondering what in the world I did to my life and how it seemed like it was just so screwed up now. Well, I got up off my butt and got paper and pen. Wrote down those pros and cons. That was an eye opener!!! Came up with basically one pro for staying....a human, physical presence to hug now and then. Yet, when I lived with him, we barely hugged. Body pillows are $10 at Walmart and cats are free at the humane society for companionship. Sounds like a better "pro".

When you mentioned the phone, oh my gosh, that was me. I used to sit and look out the window when he was on afternoon shift and watch for him to come around the bend and then immediately get off when I saw him coming. He said to me Christmas night that he'll go to his grave wondering how this happened. I said "I can talk on the phone without you b*tching about it; I can go places without being questioned; I can buy things without being condemned; etc." He said "okay, I get it." No he doesn't.....he never did.....he never will.

Everything, everything you posted was like reading my life....the checkbook, being quiet when he was sleeping, dinner, etc., all of it was my life. I realize now when I have down moments. It's when I have too much thrown at me to think about, and think it would be just easier to be unhappy and live how I was. What a terrible thought!!! My mind gets fuzzy. I have to keep those fuzzies out.

"That if I was unhappy it was my own fault and I shouldn't make the rest of them unhappy by breaking up our family just because I couldn't be happy."

Boy, did I hear that and I'm still hearing it. Now I'm selfish and only think of myself.

I'm high on life today. I was high yesterday. I have the confidence that I can do this. I enjoy being by myself. I'm not alone; I'm by myself. I'm sure I'm going to have those questionable days again. I need to come here and read.

I've got a part-time job now to occupy my time on weekends that I will be able to meet new and different people. Date?!?! Gag!!!! I don't even want to think about that now, but I've only been gone for seven months. Friends tell me I'm still healing and have gone through so much, I don't even want to go there right now. But I do enjoy coming here. It seems like I've even gained many friends here that understand.

Thanks for sharing, thanks for reminding, thanks for caring.....
Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 12:38pm

To Marbil and Needofhelp:

"I dont want my kids to lose their family so should i make that ultimate sacrifice and stay to make them happy and not myself and live ina life that i am not sure that I want anymore?"

It is not fair to you to live in a life that makes YOU unhappy. It is not fair that you have to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of others. This I learned through therapy, and I continue to recite it more often than not to my family when they tend to tell me I'm selfish. No, I'm not selfish. I'm self-serving, always trying to please others at the sake of my happiness.

And Marbil, I used to love when my H would be on afternoon shift. I would have the whole house to myself for seven days. My DD and I would get along fine without the tension that would exist when he was around. I did that for years, looking forward to those once-a-month seven days of peace. Now I live in that peace 24/7, only questioning now and then when I get down. Those days aren't often. I'm so much happier now. People look at me and even tell me that I have a sparkle in my eye and look so much happier, and I feel so much better.

Oh yeah, they call us names and do their control/possessive thing and act like we're water faucets....just turn us on, turn us off. We're suppose to forget those things they do to us so quickly. I may be willing to forgive because of my faith but I don't forget.

Continue to post with us. Everybody here helped me and continues to help me tremendously.

Hugs,
Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 1:46pm
Oh my god, i need to vent. do you ever love someone and hate someone all at the same time? that is what i feel like right now. i just got of an hour phone call with my husband and i feel like I am going to puke. I have been crying for the last hour. we were talking about our realtionship and i told him that I am not happy and that the name calling and the critism has got to stop. I cant take it anymore. Plus we also have the issue of his alcoholism. which is a huge issue with me becasue he tends to call me even more names and bully me. He told me that when he gets home ihe is not going to fall into his old habits, but people are creatures of habit and old habits die hard. i told him that not to do it for me but for himself and that he needs to go see someone about it to make it successful and he told me that i was crazy! he can do it all by himself! he says i have managed to tell him everything that is wrong with him while he has been gone , which I do talk about the name calling and alcholoism because i am just expressing what is wrong with our marriage. And he cant believe that I would even bring this up while he is in a war zone, even though I have tried to bring it up years and I all have ever heard was "not that again". I also told him last night that my 5 year old wanted to know why we fight all the time and tries to console me when i cry. which is totally not right! he told me so you are bringing the kids in to this now, huh? omigod, what in the name of god do I do? my head is spinning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 3:11pm

My head was spinning a few times this past weekend. Sit down, take a deep breath, and try to relax. When my head was spinning the night before last, I sat down and wrote on paper pros and cons to my life I have now and the life I left. Like I said, I came up with basically one pro to the life I left (besides having health insurance, which I'll have to pay for but oh well). It is so much easier to comprehend things when they're written in black and white. It's also easier to understand when someone you don't know but has been in similar situations, may give their 2 cents (like posting here).

Believe me...do you know how many times I've hated my H since I left in May? I've screamed "I hate you". I've even gone as far as wishing him dead, and that is so terrible of me that I would stoop to such a level, but this is what abusers do to us and I've come to learn that by posting and reading here.

Alcoholism? Yep, been there too. Back when I met H he drank excessively. Back in those days, we both were both big partiers, but he was a very mean drunk. After nine years of putting up with that I told him exactly what you said "you have to do this for yourself; not for me". God love the man...he did. He went into rehab for 30 days. He didn't pick up a drink for 16 years after that. I had told him then (writing a huge letter that I still have to this day), that even though he may chose to quit drinking, I still may not be around because of the other issues we had within our marriage. That was in 1986. He quit drinking but basically our life quit too, and the issues were still there. Other issues arose. For instance, we couldn't socialize with friends because there would be alcohol. So I went alone. I did many things alone. And I say alone because that's how I felt. I had a husband that I thought would share in everything we did as a couple. He wasn't there physically or mentally for me, so I was alone.

Now I left. Nope! I'm not alone anymore. I'm by myself. I don't have a husband to make me feel alone.

And as you said "people are creatures of habits and old habits are hard to break." A year and 1/2 ago when things started getting real bad in our marriage, his verbal and emotional abuse got worse. Then the drinking came again, and by the time I left and since I've been gone, his drinking has come back. I don't believe he'll ever change. That's why I left him and didn't even try for counseling.

As far as you bringing up your relationship problems to your H while he is in a war zone, I'm sorry but I just feel that's another way to just brush it aside and make you get on the guilt trip. Same way with "bringing the kids in it". Guilt trip!!!!

How long have you been married? I had 26 years invested. 26 friggin years. I should have left after two and definitely after 4, but there was always this "maybe he'll change." Then I had a daughter and my life got put on the backburner because he molded me into what he wanted and I let him like a fool. So here I am 26 years later kicking myself for staying in it so long but thankfully I do have a life ahead of me now. Part of me probably will always love the man. You don't live with someone that long and lose feelings. Some people do I guess, but I probably won't. It's just a "love" feeling like I love a lot of people. And some days I dispise him and hate his guts.

Keep posting. We're here for you.
Hugs,
Happy

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