Questioning abuse
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| Sun, 12-19-2004 - 2:14pm |
I've been here on and off for a few months now. After leaving my H, him filing for divorce, court date being set on 2/14, I'm wondering was I abused? No, he never did anything physical to me. He shoved me now and then but rarely and that was when I really pissed him off. He called me a b*tch, wh*re, sl*t every now and then. Again, when I really pissed him off. He did control the money, all of the money. I wrote the bills, did the shopping, budgeted the home all on what he would allow me, while he banked the rest for "retirement". He hated when I talked on the phone. He would get mad when I didn't make him his "snack" at night, which would end up to be some big meal. My sister-in-law would tell me I was like a short-order cook at midnight. He hated most of my friends. I lost many of them due to his judgment. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends without the 5th degree first, only to come home to the 5th degree if I was late. He hated when I washed my car instead of taking care of the house. He used to say "you and that f***in car." He used to complain if I took off a day from housework only to take a break, would say "these floors need swept, when are you going to put those clothes away, etc." I seldom bought anything for myself. If I did, I would hide it and bring it out hoping he didn't notice once I had it on.
Yet, we lived in a beautiful, older home that I took pride in because I made it my life. I didn't have anything else. I didn't feel his support or comfort when I needed it. Yeah, in life trajedies (like my father's death), he was there somewhat. Remember 9/11 (who could forget)? He wasn't there for me. I went to the church for comfort. However, he held my DD and hugged her while lighting a candle that evening. I'll never forget that. I stood in the kitchen and watched. I believe if I can remember right his words were "me and her are going outside to light a candle" as I cleaned up the kitchen. I didn't go out because I didn't feel like he wanted me with him and her. It's always how he made me feel.
Now I'm questioning maybe it was me. It was all me. I didn't sleep with him for years because he made me feel like I was his piece. There was never any romance, just a squeeze of the cheek here or the boob there, expecting me to feel like sex?
Yet, he laughed, he worked hard, he played, he loved Christmas, he was a great father. I just question, maybe I read too much and thought he was emotionally abusive. I just question...

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It's not horrible and mean to care about the lives of innocent human beings versus the lives of self-destructing drunks on a highway that may kill innocent people.
"I have since figured out since he has been gone that the name calling and rage were not a part of the drinking but a part of him."
BINGO!!! This is a trait of an abuser, alcohol or no alcohol. I lived with that too. At least you know it. That's a start. I denied that for years.
I don't know what else to tell you, hon. I'm sure you're really strung out knowing he's over there in that situation, you wanting to give him support, him using you as his support but in the WRONG way. Maybe someone else can give you some better advice. I can just say try to hang in there. I just know what I believe. They don't change. They continue to abuse, but that's how I feel.
One last thing....you're on the phone with him???? Best place to be.....it's called "hang up on him". It's just so easy to "click". You don't need to hear or put up with any abuse especially over the phone. You have control of that phone....."click". I do that all the time too. I just love it to know I have that control......"click".
Happy
Glad you got out of your funk there kid. I used to think of the times when old Wendell was fun. He loved alot of things. He spent hours with the kids making them the best they can be. According to him, gave up his whole life for the children. He molded them into little wonders that pop tylenol on a regular basis.
The most unbelievable thing I learned this Xmas was when my daughter started talking about Wendell's lawyer. She is telling me what she is like, etc. She is personally involved in our divorce! Out of all the sick things this man has done, I think he just topped it.
Think back on those fun times and how much of it centered around you...not much I'll bet. Actually the weird part is most of it was you preparing for it, being a holiday or vacation, etc. Once the preparations were made, you were taken out of the picture.
One thing I used to do was prepare a celebration feast for my son after a wrestling tournament, win or lose. Well, on the days that I couldn't make them, I would still prepare our feast for when he came home. One those days, Wendell would feed him on the way home and make some lame excuse. Jerk
I did think back. Actually last Thursday when I was "invited" for a Christmas gathering of his family (we still get along), I looked around and all I saw was work. That's all I ever did was work for the holidays and work for the few vacations we went on. I used to hate to go on vacations because it was work (packing, washing clothes, etc.) The holidays? That was ALL work. So last Thursday when I was leaving to go home, he looked around the kitchen and said "geez, now I have to clean all this mess up.?" I just smiled and said "good night". Bliss......sweet holiday bliss!
I've been pretty good this week. Pretty confident, pretty strong. I believe I made it through the holidays with flying colors.
O my word, that sounds so much like my life. I am 5 months into my restraining order, which is up in March, and we have also started the divorce process. i am a working professional, who has worked all except 4 years of my 19 years of marriage. Every time we went camping >work> when we were home >work, his back pain and leg pain and troubles were always conveniently bothering him. WAH! say i now.
He now is trying for spousal support, which p*sses me off because he has a monthly income from SSDI, and he just wants back his SS child support money. it is all he pays, and it isn't like it comes from his pocket...it comes from the gov't.
Was i surprised when the judge told me that they found i was mentally abused. 8-O
I had called the cops on him as he threatened to commit sewerpipes, as my oldest says, and took off like a bat out of he**. then the cops got him and he had an APPOINTMENT to go in the hospital. to straighten out his meds. Found out this past month one of the meds was morphine. he told me that he was on it, but he was on so many pain meds i didn't know what he had. he also had all kinds of medical problems, but he most of all was an alcoholic, i thought he started drinking when he was like 16 or older, but he said recently that he started drinking when he was 13 or 14, and drinking in bars when he was 15.
Well we know all about teenage alcoholics now, they have a severely difficult time recovering. He didn't ever hit me but said all the same words i see all over these boards. It is really hard for me to admit that i was abused, cuz i am supposedly this career woman, and my kids lookup to me and all that, but my oldest daughter who is in school now, is really having anger problems with him. I want her to go to alateen, but she is afraid that she will be told something is wrong with her, but it isn't.
I am also admitting that i have a problem with my pride, and that i had to cover up for him and his problems all these years. i am going to find out about alanon, and go through that, cuz maybe one day i will meet someone who will treat me well, and i want to be healthy and feel good about myself. I don't want to be a codependent anymore. I am entirely too empathetic to people and am now about burned out that i am having trouble dealing with my 11 year old. My 17 year old doesn't want to visit much because he keeps whining at her can't you talk to your mother? He does the same with the 19 year old, and he was way more abusive to her. he is never like that with the 11 year old, but i think that he wants to turn her into his slave, he tries to catch people by making them feel sorry for him. he had a head injury, so we were told that he may have rages. that is why it took me so long to pick up on the lies he was telling. there are a lot of other details, but this is the main stuff. He told me that he would make me stay married to him and i would never get rid of him.
most of these men who are abusive either saw a lot of abuse growing up, which are the ones that have beat their wives physically, but the ones that are mentally abusive and manipulative and don't want to do anything for themselves are nice when they get their own way, they may have been spoiled as children by their mothers or other people. This was my husbands case, my stepdad was like that and so is my neices husband. I saw her a few months ago, and i got the shudders as i was seeing myself 15 years ago, and it grossed me out.
i have been having crying jags lately, don't know if it is the emotional ups and downs of having to pay all the bills myself, i can barely afford it with the heat, and i just want to sell this house so bad, but have to hang on until the hearings go thru. I don't even care about money just anything to get away from him. So correct about the fear...it still bothers me, and i am a much better mom normally than i have been these past few months. I don't want to be a victim, but i have to face it, and i don't want to be one anymore. I think alanon will help me but i also think i am going to call the local abused womens support group, which my friend told me about today. maybe she will go with me.
Bless all of you for being there, and anyone who has coping mechanisms *PLEASE* i need them,the 11 year old is driving me nuts. she has been in a stage, and i think she also needs counseling!!
Hi Dee, welcome -
There's a lot of stuff I'm going to try to tie together from your post.
CL-Blueliner4
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