Questioning myself
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| Sun, 10-31-2004 - 7:48am |
So I sit crying reading the card. His conversations on the phone with me when calling to talk to DD are short and brief. He doesn't sound friendly. I'm not sure if his counselor told him to do this to get over me or what. I know the old saying "out of sight, out of mind". So I sit questioning, was it that bad? Where will I be 10 years from now? Alone, broke, poor? I put up with his controling ways for all those years. I wasn't happy but am I happy now? I'm scared. No, I wasn't allowed to go out with friends, or if I did it was 20 questions and the uptight feeling of "I need to get home". Yes, I hid things when I bought stuff (for the house, barely for me), because I knew he'd complain about money. I used to run to the mailbox before he got there in order to crab the bills so he wouldn't see them. And he makes good money. Now I sit and, yes, I can go buy things and not have to worry about it. I can go out with friends. I like the peace and quiet and not having to cook when someone wants something to eat. But I'm scared of the future. My close friends don't live near me. I really only have one single mom I can go places with around here, and now she has started to date somebody. Everybody already has their life. It's hard.
The holidays are coming. STBX loved Christmas. I decorated like Martha. He still lives in the house, and I'm feeling sorry for him. I wonder to myself was he that bad? He quit drinking years ago but started again last year when I started doing for me. He never physically abused me. He never trusted me though. He was always very jealous. I want us to be friends, but I know we can't because his heart breaks.
How do you go on? How do you love yourself when you feel nobody really loves you? Some days I hold my head up high and I feel good about myself, and I'm strong and confident. Other days I think "what have I done". Somedays I just want to move out of the area but I can't because of DD. And then what? I wouldn't have friends there either. I'd be alone. DD verbally abuses me, is jealous and is untrusting but will be going to counseling next week. She learned it well from him. I try not to let her get to me, but it's hard. I gave up a beautiful home and financial stability for freedom. At what cost I wonder?
Then I think did I do this to hook up with the guy who showed me an attraction and got me wrapped up in an emotional affair in my mind? And he's still out there, and I run into him, and the attraction is still there but we will never be. So I say he was brought into my life to make me realize I do have a life. If I wasn't so unhappy, he would have never come into play. But he has my head screwed up royally. Between him, my STBX, and my DD I think I'm losing my mind. I've been to counseling, which helped me to leave. The next counselor told me she couldn't help me because I wouldn't stand up to STBX. Maybe I need to see another one.
Just questioning myself. I'm just so scared that I screwed up. Why do I feel the need to be needed?

Happy, this is a natural progression of the emotions that you are experiencing right now.
CL-Blueliner4
It has been one week, and of course you are going to be a mess. It has only been one week. If you were feeling fine and dandy without any emotion at all, I would be worried.
All of the feelings that you are feeling, I've been there. Most not as intense as they were in the beginning when it all came down, but some still visit me once in a while, especially the ones about being alone, a single Mom, missing companionship. I am learning how to live with MYSELF. I have always spent so much time, like you, taking care of everyone and everything else around me. Always having something to do, something to prepare, something to make myself feel like I was needed and appreciated because I didn't get that feeling from my X. When it was over it was like "what do I do now?"
So I focused on myself. I lost the weight I wanted to lose. I took up my hobbies that I had been missing or was forbidden to endulge in. I assessed my chilrens needs and filled in the holes of what they were entitled to and what they needed. I pretty much just started patching up all of the rips and lose threads of the life that I had just left. That kept me busy for quite a while. Now, come tomorrow, it will be 5 months that I have been free, and I do feel better. I actually feel great most of the time. He tried to make me feel sorry for him, he wrote me the letters, he left messages on my phone, he cried, pleaded, screamed and even threatened suicide, and had I even given in one time, I would have been sucked back in, he would have won and I would have been stuck again. So many times I tried to leave him and couldn't, there was always an excuse for me to stay, always a reason, a guilt trip, an obligation, whatever!!! I couldn't keep letting him do it to me, and neither can you.
You have to try to learn how to find happiness with yourself and your child. There are holes there. There are things that need attention. Counselling for your DD, counselling for yourself, long walks, time for reflection. You need to take care of those things now, not anything or anyone else. Being lonely hurts. I know. I am lonely, terribly lonely sometimes, but it does pass if you just ride the wave out. You are not responsible for him or his life.... and I know it hurts, Hon. I know. I hurts very badly and tears flow so easily in the beginning. You miss the kind moments. You miss his warmth, when it was there. You miss the good times and you question your judgement of the bad times.
It's going to get better, Happy. I promise. You just need to hang in there, be brave, be strong, and be forgiving of yourself for the emotions you are facing. Sometimes when we leave the abuse, we tend to beat ourselves up from the inside out, too afraid and too ashamed to "feel" our freedom. Don't do that to yourself. And new friends will come in time. You did the right thing, Happy. Hugs to you.
jen
"Sometimes when we leave the abuse, we tend to beat ourselves up from the inside out, too afraid and too ashamed to "feel" our freedom."
This is so true because I'm always being called "selfish" by him and my DD. Meanwhile, my DD has a life but when mine interferes with her's and I'm not there to take her somewhere, pick her up, etc., then I'm selfish and only think of myself. H has always said I'm selfish.
"something to make myself feel like I was needed and appreciated because I didn't get that feeling from my X."
OH My God! That was me. I was always doing things trying to feel appreciated because I felt unappreciated from H. That's one of the ways I got so wrapped up and messed up in the emotional attraction for the other person. He was always asking me to do things for him (errands, etc.) and HE made me feel appreciated. Why I have no idea. The SOB never once even thanked me, but I kept doing because my counselor told me I'm "a people pleaser".
I always say I don't need anybody, yet I want people to need me. I need to seek counseling again. My DD will be going next Monday for her first visit. I hope H continues to go.
My friend told me I need to plan ahead so the weekends are not so long and my mind doesn't work on me. The weekdays go by fairly quick without a problem because I work. I am going to start working out again. I did that up until a month ago when DD moved, and got too busy with her. Now I need to take at least an hour again for me in the evening.
Thanks again for all your support. It helps tremendously. Til next time......Happy
I need to know this isn't unusual. It's only been 6 months. Time.....
Thanks for the support. DD is going to counseling Monday. I need to find somebody again.