R-E-S-P-E-C-T

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
9
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 8:54pm
Has anyone else noticed after getting out from under abuse (or even just noticing while in it) how many people surrounding them are also abusers? Abuse began in my life many years ago, way back when I was a kid - but I don't want to go back that far. I am talking NOW that I have "friends" who have been disrespecting me. Maybe because they weren't my significant other, I didn't really notice their words or were as hurt by them.. . . but I feel like I am surrounded by abusive guys. There are a couple of MARRIED guys who have been preying on me and I was only talking to them because I thought they were my "friends" but now I am seeing how they truly are without the fog of my abuser in my life. It is amazing. One of them is totally into the crazy-making/gaslighting techniques and the other has always been good at making me second guess myself. I was starting to feel better about myself - stronger. and now I have these guys basically telling me that I am crazy and that I am being weird. (?) WHAT GIVES? Surely there is a decent man out there who would just be happy for me and support me - without using it as a way to get on me. I turned these guys down and I got ANGER and ABUSIVE WORDS. How am I going to ever get respect? I guess they were being supportive during my relationship in the hopes that they would eventually get something out of it. This is insane!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:14am

Yeah - Abusers are everywhere. They really hide themselves well eh? But sometimes their bad qualities shine through and us knowing what it is like can spot them a mile away. I have a few friends that I am concerned about. I know that one guy is abusive and another I am not sure but kind of suspect. It was weird.. I never thought they were until I started to learn about my abuser once I got out. It was just like a light bulb that came on.... They really are everywhere and all around us at work or school or family friends or relatives.. it is scary.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:24am

Hi hon,


I've been reading your posts for a while, and I absolutely understand what you mean.

Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 7:31pm
Thank you so much for sharing and offering such good information and advice. It really feels lousy to come to the realization that I am surrounded by so many abusive personalities, and that for a long time I became so used to it and even at some level it was more desirable than being around people who I thought were maybe too nice or too boring. My feelings have seriously changed though! I feel kind of lonely right now but it helps that I can get online and vent and know that there are people out there reading and knowing what I am going through. and that others have gone through this. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do NOW - where do I go from here. . . My whole life seems like it is one "to do" list after another, but not necessarily anything fun. I cannot believe how difficult it is for me to come up with an idea. I used to take guitar lessons, and I am not super talented or anything, but there was just something about playing that made me feel good. I keep debating whether I should go back to that or not. It is enjoyable, but again, it can sometimes be a chore because you have to practice. I really want to find something that is fun. I will keep thinking on all that. After being so embroiled in the madness of the abusive relationship, it really pulled my focus all over the place and I am having a tough time finding my way back to thinking about myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 12:53am

It's not going to be easy.

Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 8:31pm
I read your post while I was at work today and I thought about it all day. It was what I needed to hear but also I guess part of me is/was in such denial that i didn't realize how much damage my abuser was causing me. I chuckled when I read that you are now into ice hockey (which I think is fantastic!) and that your ex would have melted down. I know exactly what you mean by that. Things that I enjoyed, my abuser would find a way to put down. I like working out at the gym and I don't do it obsessively but I do it consistently because it helps me fight depression and just because it feels good. He would talk conscendingly to me and make me feel like I should be spending the time with him, cooking for him or just sitting there watching tv with him. I often wondered if that was true - that there was something wrong with me. I tried very hard to have balance in my life, and that included my relationship with him. In the past, I gave him so much of my time and my heart, but when we first had a big break up a few years ago and he had cheated and left me for another girl, I did start becoming more independent and I gave up on cooking for people or running their errands. When he came back again a year or so later, he wanted me to be that same person and I just didn't have it in me. And so the next round of abuse began for the last year approximately. I could never make him
happy. He would tell me that if I got a boob job, that I would be "really hot" then. And he was always into looking at the sexiest women on tv. all men look, but his was done in a very hurtful way. I can't understand why I put up with that. I tried harder. And I tried in any way i could to be fair, but he just drained me so much - I can't explain it. I was exhausted. Then he yelled at me and called me lazy because I couldn't handle my own schedule and trying to please him, too. I found some interesting websites today about verbal abuse and it was saying that the victim in the relationship is just as bad as the abuser. And that both persons have no self-respect. That has bothered me, too. I will take however long I need to - I had a history with this guy and for some reason I always caved in when he wanted me back. But I can't forsee myself allowing someone to walk all over me again like this guy did. I am hurt and my self-esteem is bruised pretty badly, but I don't tend to get lonely too much. I have pets that I love dearly and they keep me company. :-} I just hope that I don't appear "broken" to the world. I often wonder if guys can pick up on things. If a decent guy would ask me out tomorrow, I am afraid i would ruin it just by being me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 12:01am

"If a decent guy would ask me out tomorrow, I am afraid i would ruin it just by being me."


And this is exactly why I said it takes time.

Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 5:15pm
Thank you so much for your reply. You said everything that I needed to hear at this stage. It has been only 2 weeks since the split, but it feels like so much longer. I feel moments of sadness. Knowing that with the way he is, he is undoubtedly already hooking up with someone else, otherwise he would have contacted me by now. I am glad he has someone else around to keep him busy - he is very high maintenance. However, part of me is angry because it is so easy for guys to just pick up and move on in a day and just forget about everything -- all the time and investment with someone you supposedly cared about goes down the drain and that's that. It will take me several months and possibly years to have the desire to date anyone. I don't want to come off as a man basher, but that is kind of how I feel right now, but I don't want to end up alone. I am already 40 and wasted the better part of my 30's on my version of a smartarse, too. Your ex sounds a lot like mine. I don't wish bad on the poor victim who gets close to my ex - yet I hope it wasn't just me that caused him to blow up and criticize so much. Even if I never get to see it for myself, I hope at some point he realizes how mean and unfair he was to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 7:56pm
It can be really scary, can't it? I've seen this more with SIL than myself, but a *lot* of her friends and significant others are users, emotional vampires, etc. She no sooner got out from under her abuser than she started dating a married man. ("But they're getting a divooooorce!" :P) Unfortunately, she doesn't see the tendency to gravitate to such people in herself, but it sounds like you do, and are working to correct it. That is a GREAT step!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:03am
wow..I didnt see ur post had the same name till Id titled mine the same. weird!