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Random thoughts
| Sun, 06-20-2004 - 12:26am |
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life for the last few weeks.
| Sun, 06-20-2004 - 12:26am |
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life for the last few weeks.
That is one thing I have been slowly realizing this week. Up until a few years ago, I did what I wanted in other aspects of my life. I would be able to make decisions, say what I wanted everywhere, except in my own home. If you stay in an abusive relationship long enough, you slowly allow it to affect the other parts of your life. As your children get older, they have learned how to treat you by the way you let your abuser treat you. You have, in effect, allowed all this to happen. We stay because we love them, we make excuses for their behavior, we change ourselves to try to make them happy...the list goes on.
I think what really opened my eyes was through this divorce. Every time my attorney and I would try to do something positive to make this divorce a little easier, he would counter act it. I used to try to tell people what he was really like. I couldn't understand why they couldn't see it. I blamed myself for everything. My counselor worked hard to get me to see what was going on. I did, but I didn't. This past week when Wendell wouldn't even agree to file the income tax jointly (which I paid $600 to get done) and it would have saved us both $$$, my accountant was floored. He is a CPA and was hurt that this guy questioned his ability to file our tax return. The custody hearing was the final straw for my attorney. When we got back to his office, he looked at me and said you need to get on with your life Terry. He was angry and flustered. I am sitting here thinking about that flustered look both my acct. and att. had. Where did I see that before...ah yes, I wore it many times myself.
I'm listing to a song right now "I'm Through" by Vic Chestnutt. I think he wrote this song for those of us that got out. In the end, he says I'm through living my life for you. That's what we do. We do it so well that we lose ourselves somewhere along the way.
Just a few more thoughts....
Terry
Lundy Bancroft said in his book "Why Does He Do That?" that every home where a woman is being abused is a microcosm of oppression. It is a small-scale model of every abusive workplace and prison, every dictatorship. All work by the same rules. I'm getting out of prison.
Good for you, astro.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you