??? re: bancroft book/confused!!!
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| Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:54am |
So I finally got my hands on a copy of "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I'm finding it very informative and a sad realization. What I am wondering though is how many of you have read it and if you did, what did you get out of it? I'm starting to wonder if I'm reading too much "IN" to what he is saying, if that makes sense. IE, the chapter on the sexual abuser. My bf has never to my knowledge really fallen into that category-sure I have not been in the mood (more and more recently) and he might beg and try for a bit but then he gives up and is a little pouty or just sleeps it off. I mean, I'm sure in HEALTHY relationships this happens, right? Sometimes one partner is in the mood and the other isn't? So that was weighing heavily on my mind last night-we watched sopranos together (all i could think of was, is he going to be like Tony (minus the mafia thing)?-and then went to bed and he wanted to have sex, i thought i did until i was actually in bed and then too many thoughts rushed through my head. but we did anyway and it was good, but i felt like now i have to "test" him to make sure he isn't like the men that bancroft describes. Plus he watches porn (which he doesn't necessarily hide completely but doesn't make it really obvious either. Basically he usually has a tape in the vcr in our bedroom, but i think he kind of assumes i don't notice, or that i do and have stopped caring or something), which a long time ago in our relationship i used to get upset about and let him know that i was, until he belittled that opinion to the ground (saying all men watch it, that all his exes used to be fine with it, that i'm just a prude, etc) and now i don't care as much. That argument used to happen a while ago. Anyway, I'm going on tangents but bancroft says that men who watch porn have a typical mindset of abusers, that it just completely objectiifes us as women....so now that is all i was thinking about on top of everything else. He's never forced me to really do something I don't want to do but now i over analyze EVERYTHING, every position, movement etc. Its driving me insane b/c i don't even know what is right and what is wrong.
He was totally in a fine mood last night, as well, and then was telling me he loved me and all. SO, that is one question i have regarding the book, the other i have is the whole option of leaving thing. As many of you know, my bf has never been physically aggressive with me but bancroft more or less says that it will probably happen if we try to leave, or that he will keep harrassing me if we take a "break".....if we were to take one i don't even know if i would WANT to cut off all contact, yet bancroft says that is what you pretty much need to do, yet they won't let us. So now all the courage i was mustering up to say that maybe we need some time apart is really being second guessed b/c i don't know if something worse will come of it (when in some ways i thought he possibly might be understanding). Have you experienced these doubts or felt similar emotions when reading that book? I just feel that a lot of it is "spot on" so now i'm wondering about what i haven't experienced and am wondering if i will experience it. There is such a part of me that loves him so much but now i wonder if i've been to overanalyitical of the entire relationship to even save it, b/c when i'm with him i have such mixed emotions.
make any sense? thanks.........

From one overanalytic to another....are you overanalyzing? Yup. But I feel safe to say that because I do it ALL the time. Its a defense mechanism, much in the the same way projection or denial is....to intellectualize something allows us to NOT absorb the full impact of the beating our emotional and psychological side is taking (ESP if they never hit us)...because, frankly, it is TOO DIFFICULT to admit "I am being ABUSED". This is my struggle, too. Sometimes, too, these men are soooo good, they play with our minds and confuse us...and we don't even KNOW what is occurring...other than we walk away confused and something not feeling right about it.
What I have found when something really confuses me and leaves me questioning if it really is "real"...I leave it alone. What I believe is happening to me, is that my "mind", "psyche" or whatever cannot process it at that point--it won't let me--again, self protection. But in time, a lightbulb goes off---and I see it. Sometime it happens as I'm waking up--in those twilight moments between full consciousness and sleep. Sometimes its more like an epiphany.....and sometimes its just simply more of a feeling of acceptance. I can't really explain it...but I know when I recognize it for what it is. It is very difficult to handle from time to time. And it leaves me feeling crazy,at times, too. (but, hey, I'm not ranting and raving on a street corner...not yet, anyway)
As for leaving and cutting off contact...here is why this is good--and I use myself as an example: I filed for divorce 3/11 and I came home and told my h that I did. I also gave him the option of when and where to be served, within reason. He chose 4/9, since he hasn't not begun the process of seeking out lawyers...and if we are to "try" to do this amicably...I figured this was the way to go. WRONG. What I have faced is an emotional battering---not harsh, just the opposite. Tears, pleas, promises to change, flowers (see my earlier post), doing all the things he never did in the past, he's even BEGGING me to talk to him (when in the past SEVERAL years, he's done NOTHING but blown me off!! when I begged him). Its ripping a hole into my soul. I'm going to support groups...I'm part of the Sunday chat here...I utilize these boards....but it just doesn't end the pain I feel from this. To have to be hard and callous towards ANYONE, even someone who has hurt me like my h...but that is what I have to do--I have to harden my heart.
This afternoon, my h came home from lunch and told me how he's struggling: he's got all these appointments with lawyers, realtors, and was asking my opinion whether he should see a psychologist or psychiatrist (he thinks he now needs anti-d's....though when it was suggested in 2001, he STOPPED going to our marriage counselor--he DID NOT NEED them.) Of course, I fell into feeling bad...but THEN I caught myself. I turned around and asked him what he wanted me to do about that. He said he "just wanted to let me know"...and I asked "why? because I see as manipulation of my feelings." Of course, he got defensive...and I said, "Look--the time of talking is done. In fact, you should be GRATEFUL that I cut you three weeks slack to find a lawyer--I couldve NOT told you and served you and you would've had 20 days...so quit your bitching. Besides, this is what happens when you MISTREAT people...eventually they stand up". Much more was said...but that's the gist of it.
What happens is that they change tactics, whatever it takes. Do not tell them...just file and plan, if you can, to GET OUT or have him get out. Its TOUGH, I know, I know, I know. Right now, I'm struggling...but I'm doing it...but I would not suggest this for anyone if there is any way around it.
Hope this helps
dharma
I know exactly where you're coming from with the questions.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
just wanted to say thank you for responding. it sounds like our situations are somewhat similar, except that i am not married. it is so weird though b/c i just can't tell what i think too much about (my job is boring and gives me plenty of time to "overanalyze!") & what i am justified in feeling angry or confused about. some of my friends think that maybe our relationship will get better if we move to a different place. I see their point in some ways b/c as i said, we live in a small town w/out a lot of outlets. Perhaps other stimulation will help us, or at least that is what my bf says (he claims that it is why he gets so short fused at times). Unfortunately, I can't even tell what I want for ME b/c I am so confused about my relationship that it is all i can think about and THEN i feel i can figure out what i want to do. However, that doesn't work to my advantage either b/c one way or the other i want to change jobs, i just don't know whether or not in this town or elsewhere.
Yesterday he & i had a talk and he was asking where we were going to move, what my thoughts were. I mentioned that as a stepping stone in my career i *might* pursue an opportunity here in this town....he (in as kind of way as possible) basically told me that it was a dumb idea and that if i did that then i would wind up staying here for "life" or longer than i had ever anticipated, and that i didn't really want that and he didn't want to stay here. He also said that we needed to think in terms of "us" about moving.....i don't know. That was as close as i have come to saying that maybe we shouldn't move together but there certainly wasn't much force in it, huh.