Reality question?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-12-2004 - 6:31pm |
And - I don't really have any place to go and I don't know if I can afford a place and I don't know if the shelter will help me and I can (of course) come up with a million other excuses.
Why can't I just tell him how I feel? Not so much why as in why isn't it a good idea, but why aren't I able to? Does that make any sense?
He got upset with me today, didn't tell me he was upset, but I "know" he was bothered. Here's what happened. I was in my bosses office going over some work with him. My husband called my desk phone, then finally my cell phone. I heard my cell phone so I answered it. He says, where have you been I've tried calling you. I told him I had gotten a soda, gone to the bathroom had done some parts inventory type stuff and was going over work orders with my boss. He asked if my phone ringer was turned down (I do that once in awhile), I said no. His tone was very accusatory. Then after telling me this he says he came by the office and I wasn't at my desk. I asked when? He said "45 minutes ago. I guess you were in with your boss cause his door was shut." I said "he shuts that door because of the a/c the other door was open." But it was the tone of voice and how it sounded like he was checking up on me.
Now - my reaction? I "felt" guilty. Like I had done something wrong. Was I guilty? Ok, I don't know how many have stayed up on my history, but (stupid me) there has been some physcial stuff between boss and I, I have told boss it has to stop. But while I was sitting in there, doing work, all I could think about was the physical feelings I was feeling for the boss - so yes - I FELT very guilty when my husband called and gave me the 20 question routine!! So - was I guilty? Should I have felt guilty? I need the truth here.
I don't want anything with my boss anymore. It isn't right for anyone. I know that. I told him (boss) that I don't want anything to happen because I don't want to feel the guilt and I don't want to have to lie to my husband.
Yes, my husbands treatment and attitude towards me is not right. It is controlling and manipulative and he is possessive and jealous and un-trusting of me. But I have read lately that what you see in someone else is what you are sending out so - am I controlling, manipulative, possessive, jealous and un-trusting? I think I could be some of them. But, what I know is this, the bottom line for me is I don't believe that I'm in love with my husband, I think that I have felt badly for him so I squashed my feelings wanting to leave because I didn't know how to leave. But I don't want to waste the rest of my life appeaseing him. How do I leave? How do I let him know how I feel? It will devastate him. He has made me his life. I know that is wrong. But being put on this pedestal by him, well it's tough to walk away from it. I don't want him to be mad at me. Gee, even as I typed that I was thinking how dumb is that? I don't want to be near him, yet I don't want him mad at me? Please - why do I feel that way? Why can't I not care about his feelings? I know I'm not responsible for them, but he will hurt in his own way because I leave - Yet if I stay, he won't hurt.
I know I need to make my feelings more important than his. I guess I'm close hence my frustration. I just want to be past it all. In the words of Joyce Meyer, I must press on and press through the pain. And there will be pain.
Pam

Wow, there's a lot going on in your post.
CL-Blueliner4
You gave me some good answers and I am new to this board as I am learning about this emotional and mental abuse very fast. I denied it for so very long and maybe I can return the favor and tell you about what I have been going through. Maybe it will help you...I don't know, we sound similair in ways. I too have taken many, many years to come to the place I am now where I was ready and strong enough to take a stand. It feels great but I am absolutely terrified. I know what you mean when you say you just want to tell him!! I waited sooo long to make this step that I am ready to stand on my own two feet, take a stand and fight back. That includes telling him that he has hurt me for so long and affected my livelyhood to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I want him to help himself and understand that he was very hurtful and affected me in a very negative way that changed me. I want to tell him that I am in fear of our son carrying on the same cycle but the truth is I know I shouldn't. I also know that when it's emotional/mental and controlling vs. physical that it is harder to believe, even for the victim. It took me 13 years to come to terms with what has happened. I also have to take a portion of the blame...I stayed, knowing deep down that somehow it wasn't healthy and knowing that with all my efforts to make it better, I changed and became worse. I know he's very wrong but I also allowed it for too long!!
Is it a life lesson that I was meant to learn?? Maybe, but I am determined now more than ever to regain my self confindence and heal myself and be better because of it. I know that he may never realize what it was that he does to people...I can only hope that he figures it out someday. I can't fix it though and I deserve to be happy...and my children deserve a chance to see their mom taking a stand and a chance for them to stop a cycle that they won't repeat.
My H tone was always bad and controlling and now that I took a stand, it's a lot worse. He has scared me on a few occations and he has even scared the kids. I have to play "dumb" so that I can make a clean break as ammicable as possible for my kids sake...I don't see it as a weekness playing dumb, I see it as strength for my kids sake to keep quiet. I know that he will never fully comprehend what it is that he does so that is how it should be played so that all involved come out of it ok, with no one hurt, at least minimally. I can tell you though that I never thought that his anger would get so bad when I told him I was finished. He has escalated and restrained me once inappropriately. I filed a report with the police for that but didn't want to press charges although the officer told me when I was talking with him 5 times that what my H did was illegal and that I souldn't feel guilty about letting people know, including the police because it was wrong and that he gave up his rights when he steped over that line. My H is moving out in two weeks and in the mean time I am with friends and my mother flew in to help keep the peace. It's been very hard but it's a start and I can see freedom....it feels good to almost see that freedom. I hold onto it because I have to be honest, the rest is unbearable.
Like you as well, I have a friend who has helped me and shown a lot of sympathy through this. He is sort of more than a friend because there was more involved after I expressed a break from my H. I broke it off as well, almost before it started but he is still there checking on me, supporting me and being my friend. Do I feel guilty...strangely, not much because it was over for me already with my H and this person has done nothing but try to help me. I guess I feel a little guilty because I can't carry on like that, I'm definately not that kind of person but it happened...just week and needy I guess. I am thankful, however, even though I broke it off with this "friend" that he is still my friend and supportive and checks on me to see how I am fairing.
I was where you are for the last 7 or 8 years. Recently I discovered that I was a shell of my old self and that although I was going to hurt my H deeply that I had to do it for my well being as well as my kids and ultimately I would be better off and so would they. Now as it turns out...after the knowledge that it was over, my H escalated to a point I never saw coming and the abuse got much worse...now I KNOW I made the right decision.
I don't know how much sense that all made but I hope some and that some of what I have experienced would help.
Take care of you...not him!!! I am learning that for the first time......feels good!!!
katlc
Ah - so much more I'd like to type - if not for you than for me!!
Thank you both so much. katlc - yes, what you said made sense, also, it was comforting to read that you had realized for 7 or 8 years before taking any kind of action. Hope I don't stay in this spot for that long!!! Been here for 2 or 3 already and it is wearing on me.
Gotta go or I'll be late to work.
Again THANK YOU!!
While you may enjoy the spotlight remember that as long as you are there, you are expected to do nothing wrong, you are expected to do everything your caretaker says, after all, isn't he the one taking such wonderful care of you? While you are standing there and you are experiencing lifecramps from not being able to move, is this really where you want to be? I know I wouldn't. You are being held in place with chains of guilt. Those chains are very strong when used properly, and he's got it down well. He's gotten them so tight that you still think that you are the one who would have to leave!
Being up on a pedestal is great if all you want is for the world to worship your every move, heck the actors and actresses have stood there for centuries. Of course when they want to step down and walk amoungst the regular folk they can't because everyone thinks if they can just get a small piece of them then they too will be able to stand up there in the spotlight. I like the fact I can walk into a store and not be harrassed by photo junkies and autograph seekers. I like the fact I don't have to live up to the standards the rest of the world expects, I can live a free life and do the right thing for the right reasons.
I've been held up there by those guilt ridden chains and know what, your life grows stagnant while the abuser keeps us so pretty to the world. And they get all the credit because they are our keepers, feeds their egos big time. Nope,,it's not all what it's cracked up to be.
As long as you keep feeding his needs to be your keeper, you will not see that you can live free of his abuse and be alot happier. But you will also need to work on breaking the conditioning that he's used all these years and you have to put forth the effort to free your mind as well as your body.
What's better, living on a pretty marble pedestal or being able to walk the Appalacian Trail? Is it so much easier to stand in one spot all your life than to sample wine in France? Be careful of the trappings being used to hold you there, after a while moss will grow under your feet, instead of feeling life you'll feel more like mildew.