Is this really abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Is this really abuse?
10
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 4:50pm

Hi All, I've been lurking for a bit, and am wondering if anyone could give me there thoughts on something. A little background on me - M has been "over" for over 1.5 yrs, married 9 yrs, dated yrs before that. Even when we dated he would scream, push, hold me down by the neck, punch me in the chest while he was driving, etc. Nothing that ever sent me to the hospital. I'd never been in an abusive rel. before and didn't know what to think. We had alot in common, etc., eventually married, etc. This 'abuse' would happen maybe twice a year and always during an argument. So I thought maybe it wasn't that bad.

Well, was having an A with SM over past 8 mos., and ended it due to guilt and fear of getting cauht. Think I started the A cuz felt so unwanted and unloved by DH. Well, of course, DH and I have been discussing divorce and I've started reading divorce paperwork. And, well, it's now been twice (once yesterday) that DH has stated said that if/when we get a divorce that if he sees me with another guy or finds out that I've slept with someone else during the separation (my state requires one yr sep.) that he'll kill us both. Of course I'm very bothered and ... scared I guess. I started documenting the abuse and wrote this event down. He knows that if he gets physical with me one more time, I'm outta here. Why does he think I would want to be with a man that says he would kill her? Why does he think I would want to be with him when he yells at me so much?

When we argue which is quite often these days, he gets right in my face and even spitting on me while he's screaming. All the hairs on my body stand on end and I feel the 'fight vs. flight' feeling come over. I'm just waiting for him to hall off and, well, you know. And the stupid thing is, I sordof want him to hit me so I can just say, ok, thats it, I'm out of here and leave for good. Many reasons I haven't left already, but he seems to think somehow we can work things out. I can't see myself ever loving him again after all this crap.

So I guess my question is, he keeps planning these trips to difft states (for work or to visit family) and wants me to come along, and wants me to plan the trips - what I'm supposed to be doing now in fact. Maybe I don't know what my question is, but would appreciate anybody letting me know what you think of this mess.
Thx, dlt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 4:56pm

Babe, you don't have to wait for him to hit you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 7:40pm
I think you need to call a hotline and ask THEM the safest way to leave this guy. I am taking his threats very seriously and I've never met him. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 9:09am

Definitely call the DV hotline and start taking every precaution right now. Get a safety plan into place and whatever you do, don't let him know anything you're planning to do. Tell friends & family what he's said to you and what your fears are.

Trust your instincts. If you feel fear, then you need to trust that feeling.

I wouldn't go ANYWHERE alone with this guy! It's just not safe!

When these guys start making threats, they need to be taken seriously. You will be in the most danger when you leave him, so be super careful and get lots of guidance from your local shelter.

Start documenting every incident if you haven't already. Call 911 if you feel you're in immediate danger. Don't second guess yourself. Just do it.

I wouldn't wait for him to get physical just one more time. By then, it might be too late.

Be safe!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:40am
hey you are in a dangerous relationship and if i understood you saying he wants you to go on a trip with him? or something,well if thats the case if i were you i would never go anywhere far away from home with this guy you never know you might not come back,god forbid,thats pretty stronge thing to say but he sounds extremly dangerous get away from him!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:18am
Thanks for responding CL-. I know he doesn't deserve even one more day with me. The hard part is finally making the exit. I know I could stay at a shelter or with a friend... But I don't want to deal with losing everything (and my dog). I hope that the 2 of us can work things out and split things calmly and rationally, etc. But everytime I say I want a divorce, the next day he acts like nothing is wrong and makes plans for dinner, an outing, etc. So I think he may never agree to a divorce, its all just talk, and I'll need to eventually just 'do it'. I know you're right, its just so hard to get to that point. Thanks so much. dlt
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:20am
You know, I think thats a good idea. Cuz every time I say I want a divorce, the next day he acts like we just didn't have that conversation, and all is fine. Maybe they would know 'this type' and know the best approach. Thanks downbythebay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:26am
Thanks riotgirrrl, I know, I know, I know, you are all right and I'm just delaying. So many people have been in this situation before. You would think I would learn from their experiences. Its just so hard to actually do. I'm trying to get my life straight before I leave. But yeah, I started documenting these incidents' a few years ago. I hope I can leave soon. Thanks for your help and advice. It helps just know others think you're on the right path. dlt
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:32am

Yeah mommi (that felt strange to type, ha ;), cuz I would never talk to mom about any of this), he has a business trip coming up and we frequently add on a vaca afterwards. So yeah, I agreed to go and even planned it. Yeah, I can hear you now. It's so embarrassing to type that and at the same time posting about my situation - does that make sense? Sometimes I think I'm losing it. Its so hard to say no to him, "No, I don't want to go a trip with you. I want a divorce." This doesn't seem to register with him. I guess he doesn't believe me, even though I bought the 'do it yourself divorce' kit and was reading it this weekend. Sorry, I'm babbling.

The trip isn't until March, but alot of it is nonrefundable past the beginning of Feb. So I'm hoping I'll figure this all out before then. I don't know...

Thanks for responding, your concern, and the support. dlt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:04pm

I know you're in a difficult situation. Leaving is so hard and believing that someone you've loved is capable of doing dangerous things to you is also hard, but I've got to say it again. Trust your instincts.

I'm only going on like a stuck record because I'm still being stalked by the maniac I broke up with one year ago today. I didn't believe he was actually capable of hurting me, of stalking me, of acting so insanely stupid, but he is. I wish I'd followed my gut feelings long, long ago. Now he's sending me death threats. It's so tempting to go over to his place and punch him in the face and tell him what a dumb loser I think he is, but I know that wouldn't do any good. Ah, now I've gone off track!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 3:17pm

Rgirl - I'm so sorry to hear about your stalker. Ooooh how scary. I hope you live far away from him, or have taken all the precautions that you can to keep him at arms length.

Never could understand how anyone could 'blow up' like he does at someone you (are supposed to) love. Or 'stalk'/pester someone (as in your case) you supposedly used to care so much for. I just don't get it. Wonder if its 'gene' related or something... I digress.

But Happy Anniversary to you!, for being away from him for one whole year that is. I hope you get to celebrate with some good friends or just do something good for yourself (chocolate, bubble bath, pedicure?). You should be proud of yourself! kudos. Hope one day I can say the same thing.

dlt