Really confused and scared..need advice
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Really confused and scared..need advice
| Fri, 09-23-2005 - 9:53am |
My husband and I have been married for 3 yrs. We have two beautiful children, one just 2months old. It seems every two or three months he has a 'blow out'. This morning at 6:30, he told me he was leaving....and leaving me with nothing. I'm so tired of being threatened. He left our home with all the bank cards, cigs, didn't leave me anything.
I don't know if this is abuse-he doesn't hit me or anything, but he lashes out at me with his tongue. I'm scared. I have two small children. I'm so tired of this happening, and the instability.
When things are good, they're good, but then he blows up. I don't know what caused it this time. He didn't come home last night, I know he was at mutual friends. I feel so awful for my children. If it was just me, I would've left his sorry ass a long time ago. But I don't want to raise my kids in a single parent family. I feel just awful. Thanks for listening.
monocco
I don't know if this is abuse-he doesn't hit me or anything, but he lashes out at me with his tongue. I'm scared. I have two small children. I'm so tired of this happening, and the instability.
When things are good, they're good, but then he blows up. I don't know what caused it this time. He didn't come home last night, I know he was at mutual friends. I feel so awful for my children. If it was just me, I would've left his sorry ass a long time ago. But I don't want to raise my kids in a single parent family. I feel just awful. Thanks for listening.
monocco

Hi Monocco,
Yes, it's abuse, emotional abuse. Please read all you can here at the messageboard because there is a ton of info about the common characteristics of abusers and the cycle of abuse.
You might want to think about removing your children from that environment. Children model what they see, and it will do them no good in the long run to see their father abusing you. They'll grow up thinking that's how men are supposed to treat women. It will eventually make them lose respect for you, and will cause no end of difficulties later.
The longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to leave.
Please start thinking about a plan to make a new life for yourself, putting aside some money that he doesn't know about, telling your friends & relatives what's going on so that they can help you through it.
But I wouldn't advise your telling him that he's abusive. That approach hasn't worked for anybody that I know of. These guys have a tendency to turn the tables on you.
I know it's difficult, especially when you first start realizing that you're married to an abusive man, but knowledge gives you power, and there is a lot of knowledge to be gained here at this messageboard.
Welcome, Monocco. What you and your children are experiencing is abuse. If he's physically threatening in any way, that's another form of abuse.
I hear you re: raising your children as a single parent. It's a distant second to having a partner. Your choices are your own, but I want to urge you to put aside any guilt, shame, or belief that leaving would make your children's lives worse. If it comes to a breakup, that is absolutely not your fault. And living with abuse teaches kids to be abused or to be abusers.
Please stick around, read, post, ask for what support you need. There's a lot of good stuff in the Off-Topic section and on the board website. We're here and we care.
Welcome monocco....
I agree w/the other two ladies, they gave you excellent advice so I will avoid sounding like a broken record.
My marriage sounded very much like yours in the beginning. My stbx would blow for no reason and do the same things yours is doing to you. I also did not want to raise my children in a single family home. I tried everything to keep my family together. this went on for years, the abuse escalated and became physical at times. I left several times over the years always to return because of his empty promises. Things never changed he still continued to abuse me verbally and emotionally. The result was that I lost most of my friends b/c he isolated me from them, he always had some way to put them and me down. The result was that I lost my self esteem and second guessed myself on everything I said and did. Financially, one day he announced was only contributing X amount of dollars to joint expenses, when I tried to show him that this was not even half of our expenses, he said thats not true I've talked to other people and thats all it cost to live ( I don't know what planet).From that day on he never contributed to any extras ie Christmas, renovations etc.
Seventeen years of marriage and I finally had the courage to leave for good. We have been apart for over a year and I wouldn't change a thing. I only wish I had left in the beginning where you are now. My girls are teens now, they idolize their father and I worry about them getting into abusive relationships. Because they lived in that environment for so long they think that way of life is normal and sometimes treat me the way their father did. At financial disclosure I discovered he had been hiding money for years and had quite the nest egg while I had been pinching pennies and working as much as I could to provide the best I could for my family.
My advice to you is to leave now while you have your self esteem, and while your children are still young. Yes it is difficult to raise them in a single family home. But I am finding it is much more difficult to raise them after they have been exposed to an abusive home for so many years. Some days I wonder if my girls will ever recover, they were subjected to so much abuse that they think that is normal.
Remember that you are a great person and mother and NO ONE has the right to speak to you and treat you like he does!! You deserve better than this!!!Hugs.
Would you rather raise your kids to know to cower when Daddy is in a pissy mood? Or to learn that this is how you treat your wife? Or how you should be treated by a husband? Or that its ok to hurt the ones you love? To belittle them & threaten them?
It *IS* scary to think about leaving, to think about being a single parent, especially with a baby. But it CAN, & *IS* being done, all of the time. Your children have ONE childhood, one, thats it. You get ONE chance to make it a healthy time for them, ONE chance, thats it.