Really long post - Don't know what to do
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| Sat, 10-22-2005 - 1:34pm |
I moved to a new high school right before my junior year (2003), where I met my boyfriend. He was the one in class always knowing how to respond intellectually to the teacher's questions. He was the one with the big heart, always trying to help someone out in anyway that he possibly could. For those reasons, he was kind of the dork of the class. I really didn't have or want anything to do with him. It was only when I was partnered with him for an assignment towards the end of my junior year (March 2004) that I started talking to him, and the two of us became friends.
We started talking, and immediately he clung to me. He liked me for more than a friend, yet all I wanted from him was a friendship. The end of our junior year came and followed was a summer without talking to him not even once. It was kind of nice not talking to him - not to be mean, but he had become really clingy. Finally our senior year comes around, and we meet once again. I still knew I wanted to be only friends with him, however, he still had a crush on me. We started talking again, but this time it was different. I actually fell for him, and when he asked me out in August of 2004, I said yes.
Everything started out really good. He's one of the sweetest, most intelligent and logical of guys I've ever met. His way of thinking definitely was on a level higher than that of most high school seniors. He was mature, responsible, rational, and a quick thinker. He was fantastic at fixing things, he was always doing the right thing, and always trying to help people out.
However, he was also impatient and angered quickly. This truth developed over time. The first time he got upset at something "illogical" I did, it really surprised me. He just started yelling at me, and all I could do was sit there in shock, not knowing how to respond. Things got worse though. Later down the road, he slapped me for the first time. Then came the put downs ("you're stupid, a slut, have no common sense, irrational, you can't think for yourself, it's like I'm your babysiter"), the shoves, pushes,
the punches and bruises in the arms and legs, the chokes, and the kicks. Eventually, I began to feel worthless, and lost the friends that I had - he was my only friend by the end of our senior year.
Why didn't I leave him? I felt like crap. He had turned me against my friends, and even my family - all of whom were "irrational, stupid people who were never going to make anything of their selves." He acted as though he was saving me from some destructive lifestyle. Let's keep in mind, I don't do drugs, drink, and get myself involved with things that would get me in trouble with the law.
We graduated and spend the entire summer together. Both of use have started college, and just about a month ago, I moved in with him and his dad. Everybody in my family was against it, but I was 18 now, so they couldn't stop me. Why I did it? Sadly, I was starting to belive everything bad he said about my family. Here's the thing...I'm from a large, disfunctional hispanic family. Yes, my family has problems, but I love them. He, on the other hand, is from a small, upper middle class white family. He has put down my family in every way possible. Me moving in with him goes like this: "He got me away from those people so that I would have a future and make something of myself. I needed to not associate with people like that, they would only bring me down to their level. You're never going to be like them. You're in a white family now." I've been gullible enough to become brainwashed by him.
As time passed and we got to know each other better, I realized how devoted he was to his way of thinking and his beliefs: "People who do nothing but feel sorry for themselves deserve no mercy. They need to suck it up, stop crying, and face the real world." And "it's the people in the prisons who are taking our tax dollars and deserve to be shot. They're all so worthless...really, the world would be better without them." He's brought up how we need to rid of those people who do nothing for no one and are sucking up oxygen, doing nothing with their lives. And he really believes all this stuff. When someone has made him mad, he's told me before that he wouldn't have a problem with taking a gun to their head if he wouldn't get in trouble for it. It's really scary.
An argument over me talking to my cousin (who I hadn't talked to since I moved in with him) turned into a nightmare. My family is poor and has a lot of problems, and I have a big heart and if I could, would do anything for anyone of them to try to help them. Their problems make me feel bad. So he says "Just don't talk to them anymore...how can you feel bad about their problems if you don't know about them." He told me that from now on I can only talk to my grandma every once in a while. My objection to this and me bringing up the way he treats me really angered him. Because I kept arguing with him and disagreeing, he bruised me up. He's never hit me in the face or head area (because he doesn't want people to wonder) but last night he hit me several times on the side of my face and head. He apologized after about two hours of arguing (with the beats in between), and we went to sleep.
His dad doesn't know he hits me like this. He does know that his son is a bit rough with me and yells at me sometimes, but he doesn't know everything. His dad is the sweetest of guys. He has a big heart, is kind, loving, and unlike my boyfriend, he is patient and knows how to control his anger. My boyfiends parents are going through a divorce. His mom cheated on his dad. He also speaks horribly of his mom like he does of me sometimes "she's illogical, stupid, irrational..I have no patience for her. I'm glad they're divorcing."
I just recently found out that his mom is bipolar and am starting to think if he is also. Would that explain his behavior? At times he can be the sweetest of boyfriends to me, but when I do something "illogical", he gets upset. Last night just opened my eyes a whole bunch. He wouldn't stop abusing me, even when I was crying and begging as quietly as I could so that his dad wouldn't wake up. Ok well, he'd stop for a while, but eventually start again when I disagreed with something. It's a nightmare.
I could probably write a book on all the things I've been through with him, but I'll stop here.
I don't know what to do. I've betrayed my family, and all I have now is him.
-18 year old girl

Welcome to the board hun...
From what I have read of your post I can see a bunch of red flags here.
Sweetie - PLEASE, get away & go to your family. This is NOT how you want to live the next 10, 20 ... 50 yrs of your life. There is a WHOLE WORLD out there for you. Your family loves you. They are probably heartbroken & will be thrilled to help you.
Hi Itsjustme,
I can relate to what you're going though. All the men I've had relationships with have been highly intelligent...in SOME ways. A couple of them had absolutely no "people" skills, though, and I've seen all those guys do really, really dumb things. After my third long-term relationship with one of these "highly intelligent" guys, I realized that I was just as smart as they were, and I stopped relying on their judgement and started thinking for myself and doing things for myself. You can do it, too!
One thing you can do right now is to stop listening to anything that he says because he's lying to you. Just tune him out. All those awful things he's said about you & your family? Get them out of your head. He's jealous and controlling and doesn't want you to have contact with anyone but him. The two most evil boyfriends I had used to constantly put down my family & friends. I couldn't even discuss them! Also, if I said I liked something, he automatically would consider it stupid. He was like the King of Cool. He and only HE could decide what was good or bad, cool or uncool, etc. I got very sick of it and was so relieved when I didn't have to hear his crap any more.
My father treats my mother that way. He puts her down constantly for being "stupid." But I've seen him say and do really stupid things. His judgement is just awful sometimes.
I think that these guys hate women. They weren't raised to respect women, so they treat them like garbage.
Is your boyfriend bi-polar? I don't know about that, but whether he's bi-polar or not, one thing that is certain is that he's abusive. There's no excuse for being abusive. Drugs, alcohol, fatigue, mental illness are no excuse.
You should get away from him as soon as possible because he's dangerous. He's already hurt you. If he hurts you again, call the police. If he even looks like he might hurt you, if he's threatening you, call the police. And if he owns a gun, please be super careful. Disengage from any arguments because they could escalate. Trying to explain yourself to him won't make any difference because he'll never get it. You need to think of your safety now.
You're so young, only 18! You have your whole life ahead of you! I'll bet your family misses you terribly. Families can be very forgiving, especially during our teens because we're just learning about ourselves and the world. I'll bet they would love to hear from you.
Please read as much as you can about domestic abuse and please call the domestic violence hotline. More importantly, believe in yourself. You can get through this and live a good, happy life.
I apologize for not replying sooner. Saturday's are sort of the only day I have time to do this. Also, thanks a bunch for all of the supportive replies. They really are appreciated.
Wow, I really don't know what to say. I know this is an exremely unhealthy relationship, but I can't find the courage to leave. Yes, my family would take me back - they'd love for me to come home. Every chance I get to talk to my mom (don't have very many chances) she tells me my room's waiting for me.
But then I just think about all I've put into this relationship with my boyfriend. I've never been as close to anyone outside of my family as I am to him. I'm his first real girlfriend (aside from petty crushes he's had and whatnot). We are also eachother's first. I can't even begin to imagine myself being with someone else intimately - I've always told myself I would only have one sexual partner. There's so much we've been through and done together also. So I think about leaving him, but then I think about all we've put into eachother. Despite the abuse, we do love eachother and do have our good days. Still, I know it shouldn't be this way.
Last night was another bad night. He didn't hit me...but the emotional/verbal abuse was extreme and it hurt me so bad. I was so disturbed with it all. So I started rambling about how I couldn't take it anymore and told him (in a non-threatening way) that there were guys out there that wouldn't treat me this way, all the while I was crying. I also told him that I don't think it was going to work out between us. He was pretty much indifferent to it all though, because he was sleepy, and his responses were short and sarcastic, and so I just feel alseep next to him crying.
This morning he wakes me up telling me that he had about four "nightmares" of me leaving him. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry about last night. He said he was going to change and all this stuff. This morning I was indifferent to his cries. Still, he hugged and kissed me.
This is all too much. Maybe, however, last night really did make him realize a couple things. I guess I'll just see today when I get off of work and go home.
I suppose I can be called stupid for this. But, I mean, there are cases where boyfriends/husbands have changed for the women, right?
(By the way, we're not married. We had planned on getting married when we were both graduated from college and had our careers so that we could support ourselves as a married couple, and not rely on his father. So in about three or four years.)