really needing advice......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
really needing advice......
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 6:21pm
Hi everyone.... I was on the this message board a couple of years ago as I was going through the process of leaving my husband. We have been separated now for a little over 2 years but have not divorced. I am 39 and have desparately wanted to have children, but found out about 4 years ago that I have tubal problems, which is why I hadn't gotten pregnant. I was told at the time that I could go through in vitro fertilization--IVF-- to have a baby, but that was when my marriage really started to disintegrate so we never did it. Now I feel like I'm at "do or die" time, biologically speaking, and so I decided this past winter that I was going to go through IVF on my own, even though it meant being a single mom. (I've dated some over the two years, but nothing serious has developed.) I started to get uneasy about using a sperm donor from a sperm bank, and a couple of friends recommended asking my husband to be the donor. He's been through lots of counseling and seems to have dealt with his issues well, so I decided to ask him. (He hasn't been abusive at all since I left.) When I asked if he would help me with the IVF, he wanted it to mean we were getting back together, but I told him there was no way we could decide that since we hadn't worked through our problems. But I told him that I would be willing to explore getting back together, so he agreed to do the IVF with me. Now it is becoming clear that he really expects that we are getting back together, as of now, since I'm supposed to be going through IVF this month. The thing is, I do like him, I respect him, I think he'd be a good dad, but I have a serious problem with intimacy with him. I just don't want him to touch me in bed at all. Have any of you experienced this with your ex-abuser? I'm not sure if I don't love him any more, or if this is an after-effect of abuse that I might be able to work through with counseling. I was all ready to commit to whatever he wanted, getting back together for the long haul, regardless of these problems, just so I could try to have a baby. But to really complicate things, another man has entered my life in recent weeks and I think this could be something really serious-- this could be the one, and I think I may be falling in love with him. But I am scheduled to go through IVF this month, and in fact I'm supposed to start my injections TONIGHT!!!! I am so confused and I don't know what to do. Nobody I know is really giving me advice, and I need some. I feel like I just can't bear the weight of this decision........