Reconciling to the inevitable..any words of wisdom..?

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Reconciling to the inevitable..any words of wisdom..?
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Wed, 12-01-2010 - 3:07pm

So as everyone knows, I have see-sawed..the whole..i am leaving..not leaving for a good six months now. For those who do not know, basically I was ready to leave but DD held me back. It came to the point where I had to leave on my own and have DD reconcile with me later. Even though I figured DD would end up with me , still that 50% back /forth did not appeal to me. Over thanksgiving, there was one instant where I kind of felt happy that I was not in some apartment all alone without DD.

Spoke to therapist yesterday..and she said..it is apparent that I am still holding on to my belief of being there with DD and the fact of not being part of her life is a big factor..considering there is only 3 years more of HS left. She suggests I should reconcile to holding on for 3 years..in the meantime if he does get physical or escalates, leave and go to a friends place or hotel and also inform DD this time that I will hang on..but only if things do not get worse.

Ok..I am not happy with any decision..how do I reconcile myself to the fact that I need to let go..as obviously..if I havent made my move in 6 months..I am not going to (without DD). My friend says I am just not strong enough to do what it takes to do a divorce, split assets, put up with all the anger that comes from DD..and says stay put..at least until she is in college or something happens where he is thrown out of house or something..

Guess my question to you all is - how do I find peace to comply with the inevitable..? I am just worried..I have been there too only to revert later to heck..why did I back out..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

Winter, tell your therapist I am coming to wash her mouth with soap.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

"Do you think that your daughter is going to be complacent when you file for divorce after she starts college?

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001

Sweetie, this 100% part of DD's life for the next 3 years isn't something you're going to get anyway.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

I may get yelled at for this but were I dont like how your therapist worded things I have to agree that you may want to accpet that you are going no where and I am sad for you about that but at the same time I fully understand and I do not think I could do it either. When I finally left my ex I knew the only thing that could get me to go back to him is if he somehow got the kids and I am so happy that I now know that they will never be able to go live with him. The other week when my oldest and I had a huge fight it killed me that she wanted to go live with her grandfather (and I knew at the time that she did not mean it and said it to hurt me). Yes she is a teenager and between what I work, school, track, and her friends we do not see each other we see each other more then if she lived somewhere else and she loves to remind me that in a couple of years she will be off to college. I want to enjoy the next couple of years with her!! But I do worry about you and your happiness. Often as moms we put our happiness to the side to much and I fear you are giving her to much power over her and teaching her the wrong things but I can not honestly say I would not do the same thing if I was in your shoes because leaving behind one of the kids is not something I am sure I could do.

An example is this past Thanksgiving the oldest (16) and


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Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

thanks all for replying.

cl-queen brat - While I am not looking for someone to validate me, I am so glad that you did seem to understand where I am coming from. I just had a friend tell me..what is wrong with 50%..you go and do your own thing for 50%. Yes, I would be ok with 50% had I known he is the best person and best Dad ever. But those 50% I would be worried sick and I know DD still looks to me to provide her the stability of home (to some extent). Another of my friend told me..you have stuck around last 14 years..what is another 3. At least she doesn't have to go back/forth. If it really gets worse in the meantime..be prepared to leave to a hotel or get him kicked out.

On myself..yes..like I said..it is not 100% bad all the time. Maybe that's why it is hard to make a decision. Maybe once in 2-3 weeks..he has some incidents..I know I should not minimize but it is like living with a cancer that 'flares up' now and then.

cl - harmony..you are right..by not doing anything I have shown to myself I can't do anything and made the decision. I keep re-thinking to myself..as I am not happy either way..but I think if DD is not going to come, that is my decision point. Even if she comes, it will still be 50/50..every other week..and it just doesn't bode well for me. (sigh) So I have to let go and continue to focus on the good vs bad.

thanks again for replying

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003

My only concern is if you wait until she's graduated high school & gone off to college, you may start to tell yourself, "well I will leave when she graduates college."

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

wishful - believe me..I do hear what you are saying. I am afraid I will end up like that. Had an aunt who it turns out was even physically abused..but it was the yester years..and she stuck with it..until my uncle passed away when he was 60. It was strange..instead of condolences..people were actually happy she was finally free..quite sad..huh?

But I just am NOT able to go off on on my own without DD..and face her anger etc..unfortunately the guilt she has laid on has worked..like someone told me..I needed to be ok being alone and looking at the long term..but I am not able to do it..it is a flaw in me..and I recognise that. (sigh)

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Reread my post to you. It absolutely does NOT say that you can't do anything. You can if YOU so CHOOSE to. Sometimes maintaining the status quo, while not ideal, is the best solution right now. Does't mean it won't change tomorrow or that your dd won't change her mind in a few weeks, etc. Just take it one day at a time, Winter. But if he scares you, threatens to hurt or kill you or your dd, do not hesitate FOR A SECOND to call the police. You know him best, it's all your call.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

I think I am having such a hard time to just stay status quo as I know I can't be living such as to avoid his temper..you know walking on eggshells, watching what you say. Never calling him out on his behaviors..so he continues his temper outbursts time to time. At the same time, I know I am not able to leave without DD..at least the short term..I know she will eventually come in the long run.

so here is what I am thinking..

Should I sit him down..and talk..nah..that wont work. he will just fly to rage. Should I just tell him that he should not behave certain ways and I will stay for now..but wont put up with it next time..Risk - he blows up anyway..well..I can stand my ground at home and he wants to take off, he can.

I think not doing anything is taking its toll..and what bugs me is he continues to think he is the best ever and it is all me and if I didnt provoke or didnt interfere, he wouldnt throw or push things...

Of course, once I set my limit and he blows the top or threatens to go, maybe that will be my decision factor. In some ways, he goes or does something..I will have to make the decision and DD will need to see that I am

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Hi winter my friend,

You needed help in making a decision.

sweets35

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