Red Flags????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Red Flags????
10
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:48pm
Hello everyone. For everyone who cares to know I'm doing good. Fabulous if I must say so myself. Got a little bit of an issue I'd like to share w/you guys. B/c I know I'll get the right answers from all of you.

Okay, so I've moved on. Started dating other ppl since I've separated from h. I went on a date w/a man Sat. Seemed like a really nice guy. I've been talking to him on the phone for about 2 weeks. No a week and a half. We decided to take it a step further and have dinner.

It started on the way to the resturant. There was an ambulance trying to get around a diesel and the diesel wouldn't move. Nick, my date, gets a little rude and says he should write his tag # down and report him. Red flag #1. I'm thinking is this guy mad about something else??? Hmmmm.... Okay so now my mind is in that state of paranoia. Then, as he is paying for dinner he pulls out a reminder card for a dental appt. that no one called to remind him about. I'm thinking oh well, rescedule. He gets this deep tone and says he is going to call them and ask them why they didn't call and remind him, that he couldn't believe that. He was really upset over a dental appt. Red flag #2. Okay, I have two more. This is the worse. I can't stand it when someone does this. We went out for drinks and the waitress messed up our order and he went off on her. We ended up getting the drinks free, but he acted like a complete a-hole. Then, we went out dancing and these guys were staring. He got this mean look on his face and I asked him what was wrong. He said those guys keep talking about me. Okay.... Then I said do you wanna go? He said no, I'll take care of it. I said let's leave, so we did. I later told him how he scared me and he apoligized after first blaming on others. After he finally took fault for his actions I was left w/missed feelings.

I've been preying for this. For god to show me these things. Are these the first signs of abuse? I told Nick I can't see him anymore. He knows my past w/h and says he understands how paronoid I must be. I really thought I was ready to move on. I still think I am. Is this b/c I'm not ready or am I finally seeing things clearly. My eyes just seem wide open now. Please tell me what you guys think.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: imel240
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:11pm
No Mel, I agree with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: imel240
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:33pm
I agree with wishful. If you don't feel comfortable you don't have to keep seeing someone...abusive or not. And this guy sounds like he's a potential abuser. Don't let him make you doubt your gut feeling about him by saying you're just paranoid because of your XH. It's good to stop it now before things get too serious. When you find the right person, you will feel comfortable. You will probably see yourself looking for those red flags which is good. With the right person you won't be able to find them. Good for you and good luck.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: imel240
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:34pm

No, bad form, big red flags.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
In reply to: imel240
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:15pm
GOOD GIRL!!!

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: imel240
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:08pm
Hey Mel...I think it's your gut speaking to you, and not all paranoia.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: imel240
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 7:02am
Hey Mel,

Isn't great that you can actually see the signs of a potential nightmare! That guy couldn't even contain himself on his first date! I talked with this one guy a few weeks back. He was divorced for 15 months. I had been to functions with him and his wife throughout the years. I didn't particulary care for her because she just seemed to be in her own world...and, oh yes, her husband was so nice. We talked quite awhile and then suddenly he made a few comments that sent chills down my spine. He made a comment that he had trouble with her not telling him where she was going all the time, then he made a comment how he wants to get married soon. There was also a comment made years ago from one of my friends who use to socialize with them. They would go over their house and the children (various ages) had to go to be by 7:30 in the evening, even on Saturdays. Knock that little man off the list! Amazing what one sees when their eyes are open. Good for you!

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: imel240
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:20am
thanks!! i can't believe for a minute i thought i might just be paranoid. with that said, i'm not ready to date. not yet. i guess i thought since my h moved on, so could i. but, he isn't very smart anyway, so what am i thinking.

i know why you said that blue. b/c when things didn't work out w/this guy i thought about my h. how i wouldn't be lonely if i had him. didn't act on anything but the thought crossed my mind. how do you find the strenght to do it alone?? can you be so comfortable w/yourself to face life alone? happily? to know that you deserve the best and you dont' stop or settle until you get it. when do you have enough? these are questions i'm asking myself.

i don't know if i'm heading in the right direction. but, last night instead of calling my h or another man i made a list. things i want to have in 5 yrs, then 1 yr, and then now. then i thought about myself and why i can't be alone. i even went and talked to my dad last night and i'm trying to build a relationship that we never had. a place i think a lot of my problems stem from. so anyway i'm rambling.

just wanted to back you up on that "no dating" thing.

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: imel240
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:04pm

I didn't say it was easy, but it's a heck of a lot easier now at 19 months (tomorrow) than it was a year ago.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2001
In reply to: imel240
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 6:59pm

It always makes me cringe when I see that people are newly separated from an abuser and have already started dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
In reply to: imel240
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:23pm
I read your post and I have to say I'm happy for you that you've managed to spot red flags and listen to your gut and then even do something about it. Way to go!

Jessie