“Regular” vs. DV Counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
“Regular” vs. DV Counseling
8
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 2:04pm

The first thought many of us have when things start to head south with our relationships/marriages is counseling.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 3:31pm
I would also like to add, that where I work at, one of the clinicians here who is certified in DV, and I've seen her license on her wall, she has told me the same thing.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 6:37pm
This was such informative advice and I think it will really help a lot of people. Many times, especially lately I feel I have to twist myself in different forms and shapes to accommodate my STBX. He says some things that sound so not right in my ears and I have to stop and say to myself WTF? I have gotten to the point where I never answer him because all he'll say is all I said was blah blah blah. What did I say? It is so very unlike me to sit quietly and not answer him on things that offend my very principles hence me feeling like I must twist myself out of shape to accommodate him. I just don't want to constantly fight in front of the kids. (Something we have never done in past years, only started happening lately. But they did feel tension between us). Yesterday he took me to a Mothers' Day meal with my kids (on a Thursday as opposed to Sunday because he works on Sunday) at the suggestion of my older dd, not his, and I had to say 4 times that my stomach hurt after before he even looked at me. He was too busy drinking up an attractive woman who walked into the restaurant, (something he had usually never done before but now was staring at women constantly). I cannot believe how abusive this man turned out to be. Some people might say, so what that's not abuse, many men are like that. But it's the way he treats me overall, never showing me one ounce of anything nice or any drop of consideration where his abuse lies. (Remember I'm a psych major). Never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that he could become like this. He will never, ever apologize for anything he's ever done. And he's turned out to be what I consider a bad father. That's what hurts me most of all.
You know when someone says something one way, where it sounds so wrong? That's when I call him on it and then he says it a completely different way where it sounds totally better, and then he says all I said was (fill-in). But it's the way you say it that makes the whole difference. Anyway, sorry to post so long on your reply but man were you on target that you have to be a special therapist to handle DV victims. The abusers twist you into a type of dynamic that does not make sense unless you are familiar with these types of manipulations. And abuse colors your whole world, affecting the way you think, your perspective on things, your levels of happiness. Before, just going to the supermarket, I was happy, walking down the aisle, enjoying doing it, and abuse for me took away a lot of the joy in the day to day things. Counting down the days until I'm leaving him......
(P.S.- sometimes I feel like it's so ridiculous for me to spend one more day here, what type of justification is there for that? But I am determined to have my beautiful older dd finish her schooling). Thank you if you've read this far. Didn't mean to rant, but you really struck a chord with me with your wonderful informative post.
Many years from now, I hope, when I am clear and free this place will hold a very special place in my heart as a place where I went to to unburden myself of the hell I am now living in. I will forever be indebted to this board........
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:25am
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 7:19am
bumping



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5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 8:05pm
I'm new to this, but, I agree completely with what you are saying. We do want to assume we are dealing with "rational" beings, and at times, they do appear to be rational which further reinforces our hope that things will change. Speaking from personal experience, when I made our initial appt. for counseling, I told them it was "poor communication" and that we just don't seem to understand one another. We had used up my H's employee assistance counseling and went on to another place. This time, I hestitantly explained that this was not just a communication issue, it was abuse and I wanted to be sure they knew how to deal with this. I was assured they dealt with this all the time, and in actuallity, they did exactly what you said they would, they pulled me aside, had him leave the room and told me that I should come back on my own. Further, what you said about the abuser accusing you of lying, etc., yeah, that happened too. Even more, I was told that I made things much more "dramatic" than they really were.... Anyhow, what you said makes all the sense in the world. I have not gone back to my regular counselor individually, he just doesn't get it..... isn't trained, just like you said. So, even though you obviously know what you are talking about, I just had to show my support for the post;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 8:18pm

Thanks, Didi.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 12:07pm

Thanks for bumping this very important post. I haven’t seen it before. A while ago my son asked my husband why didn’t we go to marriage counseling to which my husband quickly replied…’because she won’t learn anything’. I guess I already knew instinctively that it would not do any good but there was my proof in his answer.

I sometimes think about going to my parish priest to see what advice he would give about my abusive relationship with my husband but I imagine him saying the very things you have in your post. And because I do feel guilty about the vows I made in my church I would probably be more upset for having talked to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:34pm

I'm not especially religious, though my family is Catholic.

CL-Blueliner4