relationships again

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
relationships again
10
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:28pm

Thanks so much for the support. Sometimes I feel like I am just down right boring with my posts because I am not used to just talking about me. You know it is usually a social no-no in normal, healthy circumstances. Who wants to hear about only you? But let me indulge some more please.......

Back to that relationship matter again. I just got another jolt of disillusion yesterday at work. Most of the people I work with travel for business, and most are men. I was just speaking with a male colleague of mine about the travel when he brought up something about how he knows stories concerning my other male colleagues that would make my jaw drop. I said what could that be. He referred to a Japanese lady, same age as me, that works with me. She travels often with several of the guys on business. This friend of mine said she was 'um, marriage/single...'. I laughed again and said I knew that story. She was dating another co-worker some time ago and everyone knew it. That's her business. This friend said 'well, 50% of the guys you work with do the same when traveling'. When I protested, he said 'you just go on being naive and innocent', he thought it was precious. Then yesterday this japanese lady was talking to me about where she got her clothes, because they are nice. One of the supervisors came up and said 'It's not just the clothes that are nice, so is what is inside'. Again my jaw dropped. This guy travels with her often of course. She isn't the problem though. Her habits are her business, I still like her. But the guys? They are mostly all married including this particular one.

Ok, so I feel pathetic and naive. I am living in a fantasy world. I was treated like a piece of dirt for so long but thought 'gee, maybe men don't always treat women without respect'. I thought maybe the other men out there are really nice guys. Now I wonder that too. I don't appreciate being called naive because I think positive about people (not that I am angry at the friend though). But I can't help think the other guys at work now look at me, thinking 'the other lady does these things....so what do you do?' Good men seem to be extinct. I can't ever see another relationship in my future at this rate. I guess I am not suitable relationship material. I don't sleep around easily, don't drink, don't smoke, don't party, don't enjoy being someone's personal servant, don't enjoy being held responsible for someone else's problems, don't stand still to be hit like a good girl..... What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:44am

All I have to say is EWWWWWWWWWWWW!


My god, how totally unprofessional that crack was!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 2:58am

Well, I don't understand women or men who sleep around. Having sex with a married person is pretty raunchy too. And those nasty comments in the office, we could all do without.

At work not long ago, a guy in the office told me about an out-of-town wedding he attended. Apparently, an attractive woman there gave his buddy (a groomsman) a direct hint to meet her at her hotel room. He didn't catch the hint until he was an hour away, heading home. My coworker asked me "if a girl said 'I'm staying in room 213,' would you go?" Without thinking, I answered "I'd probably just think she was telling me she needed to go to sleep and she'd had enough of talking to me." That wasn't the reply he was looking for. But that's the way I am, not only would I never expect an invitation to a girl's room, I wouldn't take it if I knew it was for sex (which I still wouldn't have thought). In college, I once met a sweet girl who invited me to her apartment to see her pet ferrets. The ferrets were fun little critters, and she was a sweet girl. But I had just come out of a relationship and I really never saw her again except in class. I would have liked to have cultivated a relationship with her, in hindsight, but the timing wasn't right. The point is, it wasn't about sex, it was about compatability. I don't think about sex when I meet a woman, because if that's what she wants up front, then she's not for me. Of course, I may be somewhat unique. I'm a 30 year old virgin who is proud of it. My future wife should not ever be concerned about me cheating on her, but she will be marrying a guy who may be a bit shy on the honeymoon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 3:46pm

Good for you! You are about one in a million! You sound like you know exactly what you want out of life, and I'm sure some day you'll come across a woman that respects you just the same.

Good for you!

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 4:35pm

Hi, you sound like where I was in 1971. I worked for a small police department back then as a secretary for the detective bureau and that is where I now believe my life changed (married a cop, divorced 2004). I have lasted all these years because I now am trying to find my back to the way I was in 71. I think deep down inside because I have always tried to be a nice person and all the years of living with a person who I realize now only cares about himself till this day, that I might have the chance to spend the rest of my life being happy. I also am realizing that when I look back at my past that I have to pick out all the good things that happened, believe me none of them involve him because he had some way of destroying instead of enjoying everything. You sound like a really sweet person and I wish you the best. Hope this made some since because sometimes I don't understand me. Take care,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:20pm

You'll always have support here! And here's the way I feel too:

"Good men seem to be extinct. I can't ever see another relationship in my future at this rate. I guess I am not suitable relationship material. I don't sleep around easily, don't drink, don't smoke, don't party, don't enjoy being someone's personal servant, don't enjoy being held responsible for someone else's problems, don't stand still to be hit like a good girl..... What do I do?"

I'm with you here. And like "slockhart" I'm back to where I was back in 1977. I was married 26 years. He stole my identity. I'm still looking for it, but I have found most of it. It's like a scavenger hunt! Anyway, don't rush things as far as relationships. Do for you first now!!! Get into you!!! Find out who you are and THEN think about relationships. I do the same thing. I think I will never have another relationship because of all the things you posted above. Somedays I don't want one. Most days I can't even invision it. Then there's the times when I wish I could at least go on a date. That last a few minutes and I say "nah, I'm not ready for that yet!"

I don't think all men are bad. They're just hard to find. They're like a scavenger hunt too!

Hang in there!
Hugs,
Happy

Avatar for sandman2write
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:17am

You just keep on being you, because you are a true Lady
You deserve a man with the same commitment values as yourself

Hugs

Randy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:10am
Thank you so much for the words of support. I know it isn't the time for a relationship, but I am looking ahead and when I can't see the possibilities, it gets a bit depressing. Not that there has to be a man in my life, but it is depressing to think of going through life permanently alone. While I am trying to get a grip on myself, I must stop subconsciously catagorizing men I see on the street. I find myself looking each one over and thinking 'that one looks like he would be abusive' or 'that one might be nice but then maybe he can get really nasty at times'. I don't mean to do it, but I keep catching myself doing it anyway.
Avatar for sandman2write
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:23pm

Hglucky you have every right to the feelings you have about being causes
And I believe that in time with your personal experiences and educating yourself
You will be able to make more appropriate choices on who you let into you life
Knowledge is power and with the kind of knowledge I think most abusers you run into
Will know that you won’t tolerate their abusive behavior and more then likely fade away.

I think this is part of the answer of the questions asked on the other post
(EDUCATION) for everyone not just Victims and abusers
what’s you thought on this hglucky?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 1:48am

After I get through this divorce, I plan on concentrating counseling sessions on discovering what made me a victim in the first place, and what traits I must look out for to prevent it from happening again. I don't know what I will learn or if it is even possible to understand all of this, but I hope that perhaps it was the way I walk, the way I speak, SOMETHING that advertised 'hey, I make a great door mat!' And of course, in retrospect, I can see some things 'that guy' did and said in the very beginning that should have clued me in. Keeping in mind we were 19, and in college at the time, there were such things as:

"I am from a rich family" Lesson: he was from a firmly 'middle class' family living in a small house in an uninteresting neighborhood. Not that it mattered, but the lesson I should have learned here is HE IS OBSESSED WITH MONEY AND BEING RICH AND MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYONE ELSE.

I should have known when he asked if I was hungry and stopped off at a deli to get something to eat, then bought himself a sandwich, started walking away, and turned to me to ask 'you're not going to buy something?'. Keep in mind I was a poor college student making 4 dollars an hour for 20 hours a week. I had no money. Lesson: Not that he was responsible for me, but hey, I thought gentlemen at least were kind enough to get something for you both to share.... I should have learned here that HE ONLY THINKS OF HIMSELF. EMPATHY IS SOMETHING HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT.

I should have known when he took me to a restaurant, met up with some friends, and then ran off with a few of them because they invited him to come along for fun. Of course I was not included in the invitation and was still sitting down unaware that he was invited to this event. I was still sitting down when I realized he didn't show up again. Keep in mind there was no fight or argument associated with this. I finally asked one of his friends who had not left with them to take me home, of course I was also in tears wondering why he would do that. (I was a long way from home and didn't know how to drive) Lesson: HE ONLY THINKS OF HIMSELF!!!

He many times told me: 'I am one of the nice guys. Most guys out there would cheat on you and abuse you', and this he said even back in the first few months of dating. Lesson: DON'T TRUST A GUY WHO SO DESPERATELY TRIES TO SELL HIS GOOD QUALITIES TO YOU! HE MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE! After all, if a guy is truly nice, his actions say more than his words.

Avatar for sandman2write
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 2:08am

( After all, if a guy is truly nice, his actions say more than his words. )

So very true,,,,,

Just keep in mind that you should never blame yourself for being abused
It’s all about choices and he chose to abuse you, you did not choose to be abused

Randy