Relief did not last long...
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Relief did not last long...
| Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:43pm |
I just posted the other day stating that I had left and how good I felt. I have been doing really well, but today has been tough. I hit a cat with my car and killed it (not a good start to the morning). Then, about an hour ago I get a call from the STBX asking me where something is but I know that it is for more than that. He starts talking about being willing to do whatever it takes to make this work and that he meant it when he said for better or worse. He starts talking like the person that I want him to be, but I KNOW deep down that he cannot be like that all of the time. He just cannot help who he is and that is not good enough for me.
I know that God has made us strong enough to handle these types of things but I am soooo weak when it comes to relationships, him specifically. I just keep giving him the benefit of the doubt over and over again. He is not harrassing me this time or fighting me on the divorce which actually makes it a bit more difficult for me.
I know in my heart that this is the right thing, but man do I feel guilty. Feel like I am giving up and I know better. The mistake was in the marriage not the leaving. Anyway, just venting so that I don't do anything stupid like think about going back.
Have a great evening.

No, you're right, Happy, this isn't easy.
CL-Blueliner4
I know what it's like to hit a cat. Terrible feeling! And I love cats! Makes you sick inside, and the last thing we need is that feeling. I'm at a low too. Was feeling good last night because H talked about paying my rent when I moved out and helping me the best he could. Relief did not last long as you say. Tonight he's trying to make me feel guilty, like this is all about me. That I don't care about anybody else or our daughter. She's hateful. Screams at me. Says I have a bad attidude. OM is out of the picture. He's a friggin man! At this point I can't stand any of them. I don't care who they are. They're selfish and egotistical. I keep trying to tell myself there are people out there that like me and think I'm a good person. Right now I feel so trapped. I didn't want to go to a lawyer and make him pay. He could pay big bucks too with what he makes. I just want out with no animosity. He's not going to do that. He thinks I'm a vendictive b*tch. He thinks months down the road I'll steal everything from him. And how about this? The savings that should be 1/2 mine? Nope.....it's not half mine if he's going to pay for my rent. What exactly do I want from him he asked. He'll have big bills to pay because of his brand new truck payment. But here's me, willing to try to live on my own at $7.00 an hour. I told him "sorry, my heart doesn't bleed for you." But I ripped his world apart and I'm ripping my daughter's world apart. What about her future? He's worked so hard all his life for what? To turn over 1/2 to me? What about our daughter? (She's 14.) I can't stand it. I sacrificed 15 years of my life to be a good mom, to take care of everybody, to be a friggin doormat basically. And now I just feel trapped. I don't want to make this ugly and go to a lawyer. Maybe I'll go to my mother and ask her for money. I'm not sure she'll understand. She says he's a good man. Well, he is but nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
My mistake was marriage too, and the second mistake was having a child. I ask God for strength every night. I thought I was strong, but I'm beginning to weaken. I'm venting too. Sorry.
Back to the cat, still remember that "thump, thump" feeling. Wish I were a cat right now. One of those indoor ones that don't have a care in the world!!
We'll be okay.....someday!
Going to a lawyer isn't about "sticking it to him".
CL-Blueliner4