Remind me why I'm doing this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Remind me why I'm doing this...
12
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 5:16pm

I wrote in some time ago explaining my situation. I left my husband after he hit my mom in front of me and my oldest daughter because we wouldn't let him take my daughter with him since he was too drunk to drive. Several things have happened since then that I won't really go into because it would take too long and this is going to be long (sorry)...

Anyway, we are working on a divorce and my husband has agreed to it. Whenever I say I still want to go through with the divorce, he says we still love each other but we're not in love with each other. But he continues to act like we are still a couple. He still wants to talk at least once a day and if I don't call him, he gets depressed. We talk about everyday things like we did when we were married or dating. He is acting so nice, has been working on his anger, plays with the girls when we go to visit (which he hardly ever did before), makes dinner for us when we visit the house or takes us out to dinner, says that he has cut back on drinking and all sorts of other things. He is acting like he did when we first got married and I'm wondering if he really is changing.

I can't do the 'no contact' thing because he's not allowed to be alone with the girls because of an open CPS case I had to call based on comments and actions by my oldest daughter and there is no one to supervise that will keep him from being alone with his daughters. I don't know for sure if he did it or not since he won't take the lie-detector test that will answer the question to either close the case or take it to the next level.

But I just don't know what to do since he is acting so much better. If I go back to him, I can't be sure he will continue being like he is now or go back to the way it was before. He was never as bad as my previous boyfriend (who did everything in the emotional abuse checklist including pulling a gun on me) and really didn't play all the mind games, but he did do certain things from the list. He's never hit me, never cheated on me, he was just controlling through guilt or delay, had a terrible temper and drank too much.

Anyway, can someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing by staying away? Or should I believe that he really is changing and try to work it out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 8:29pm

She was examined by my pediatrician as well as a CPS pediatrician the first time and that would have been more evident since it was her vagina. Neither one found anything. That's why they couldn't do anything.

I plan to take her back to the pediatrician, just to make sure, but still doubt anything will be found. I may go ahead and call the CPS officer to let him know what happened just in case. But she won't say it was him like she did the first time and she probably won't talk to the officer again (like she didn't last time).

It may have brought back the memory of when he hit my mom. She brought that up during a phone conversation with him on Saturday (before talking about the stick). She said "you can't hit my grandma in here (she was in the room where it happened), you'll make me angry." Surprised the heck out of me. When I got back on the phone with him he said she made up that he asked to come to grandma and grandpa's cabin (she had asked about that too) and she had some strange ideas. I said she did since she brought up the thing with grandma from out of the blue. He just poo-poo'd that.

Anyway, thanks for the support. Not too many people you can talk to about all this, it's nice to have someone else to make sure I am still sane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:20pm

Well, I called the detective from CPS. As I suspected DD isn't giving enough information to warrant another interview. I asked about taking her to the pediatrician for evidence and he said I could, but rectal injuries heal quickly and since it has been a several weeks since she was at her grandparents there probably won't be any evidence.

He recommended taking her back to counseling to see if the counselor can get anything more out of her that we can use. I will be doing that, but just so frustrating not knowing for sure and no evidence to prove it.

I hate that my daughter has to go through this!!! I was sexually abused as a child/teenager (not by my father) and I know the damage it can cause. I only hope she is young enough to not have any lasting effects.

Wish me luck!

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