REPOST FROM OT - Madisage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
REPOST FROM OT - Madisage
5
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 7:20pm

After a year and a half of escalating violence, I finally got my husband out of the house this past Friday and have had the locks changed. I didn't, and still don't, want to label it "abuse" although it started out as throwing phone books and yelling, escalated to constantly calling me horrible names over small things, mood extremes, thrown bottles/phones/remote controls, and finally decking me (once in the ribs, once in the face). I KNOW it was abuse, but for some reason I keep thinking "this isn't happening to me." I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling right now. It is as if I am walking in a fog, and carrying a very heavy weight around in my chest. He promises to do better, get help, stay on his meds - all things he has promised before but not done. True, this time I kicked him out, but why couldn't he believe me before when I promised this would result and begged him to get help then? Also, why do I feel guilty for abandoning him and not sticking by him when I know I wasn't happy constantly being afraid of his moods and anger? Any thoughts?


CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 7:45pm

Hi again -


Everything that you are experiencing at this point is par for the course and for the moment the best (and only) thing to do is work through things as they come up.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for star_kes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:30am
Darling, good for you. I can only imagine how difficult it has been to have done what you did. Now dealing with yourself is the problem!

Of course you feel guilty. That is what a good compassionate person will feel. Lord knows I feel so much guilt and confusion, I will probably never leave mine. I feel so guilty about thinking of leaving him because I know he can't survive on his own. It's terrible, and I feel for you!

And of course, you know inside that his promises will be empty ones...so now that he is out,don't let him return. Most women allow their ex's to come back up to 6 times, even though they were terribly abusive to them and/or nearly killed them! We all think, "I would never tolerate such behavior from someone" but now we are brainwashed. And to get rid of that brainwashing takes counselling and the support of many many people.

Good luck to you, and no matter what he says, he will ultimately return to his previous lifestyle. Believe me, I know. I took mine back because he had somehow become a completely different person...it was all a lie. He even admitted it one day while going through a typical tantrum. So don't let this happen to you. Now that he is out,keep him out. For good. You won't be sorry.

Good luck,

Star_Kes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:36pm
Thank you both for your responses. I did get a protective order on Friday that covers the house and work. I already had the locks changed and a security system installed. I met with an attorney today. Financially, I am very fortunate and my assets are protected. She did explain that b/c I am a successful, accomplished professional, I don't fit my "internal" (and admittedly erroneous) profile of "an abused woman" and I'm going to have to accept that. Still, I don't feel ready for the next big step - divorce. For now, I told my H that he has to stay OUT of the house, get and stay in treatment, stay on his meds, get a steady job and then we'll see - but also that I WILL be filing a separation agreement with the court. While I so badly want to believe he can be better, I am smart enough to know that the chances are good. Am I wussing out by only being willing to go the separation route rather than the full Big-D? I just feel that my head is spinning too much to make such a big decision, I'd like time to get counseling and readjust to life on my own first. This seems rational to me, but I worry that I'm just wussing out. Any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:30pm

I wouldn't say "wussing out", you're doing something a lot of abused women do, and that's hold out the hope that your H/BF/SO will be in the less than 1% that stops abusing with treatment.


Yes, I said less than1%.


Many abusers will go to and through batterer's intervention programs and claim they've changed, and by the letter, that is a fair assessment.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 7:00am
Hey Mad,

Wussing out? What you are doing takes more courage than you realize. You are giving him a chance he doesn't deserve. Go get counseling...make sure you get someone that will help YOU not the marriage. I called several counselors before I made my final choice. I don't know how many times I left my ex and then went back for more. As for your attorney, that person doesn't know what he/she is talking about. Abuse happens to people in all walks of life. I am a successful woman who was married to a professional and I refuse to allow anyone to say I wasn't abused. He took every part of me and used it for his satisfaction. You're a smart woman and in time you will do what is right for you. Just remember it will take time, lots of time, but is well worth it!

Terry