Repressed ??? Memories

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Repressed ??? Memories
3
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 9:32pm
This is a tough one for me, don't know if it will make sense, but I trust everyone here so I came here to get some opinions/advice. Both my sister and I (we also have 4 brothers) have commented to each other about not being able to remember much about our childhood. We are the youngest 2, she is the baby. She has been married twice and divorced twice and is a 2+ year affair with a married man. She has been seeing a counselor for quite some time. We have just recently begun to really look into our childhood. The doctor she is seeing believes that in some fashion, something traumatic happened to us - could have been emotional neglect or could have been more. My sister (I'll call her L) and I have both been reading a lot on the inner child within us. I've been reading about co-dependency. She called me the other morning to tell me she had a dream. (Excuse me Buff - I copied this from what I sent to you, it was quicker than trying to type it all again!) The dream occurred in the house we grew up in as children. In her dream she woke up to someone doing something inappropriate to her. She has not identified what it was that was "happening" to her (although she has made it sound as if it was sexual in nature) and she said that she wasn't able to "see" who it was. She has been going to a therapist to help her with this and even in her dream, she was trying to remember the therapists phone number so she could call her. My sister had an appointment today with her therapist and seems to believe that if she dreamed this, then it happened. And the therapist has also said that I would probably have a similar dream, either with something happening to me or seeing it happen to my sister as we shared a bedroom. I'm not believing any of this, but I feel badly that my sister does, but to her it is real, she does believe it. How do you know what is real and what isn't real? Just because it comes to you in a dream doesn't make it real. I've never remembered a dream about something that really happened.



And most of all - I want to talk with my husband about this, but even when my sister called me the other day, he asked me what she wanted and I skirted around the issue and just said she was calling to see what was happening, and he said - "telling you her problems?" in one of those yucky tone of voices. If he knew what she was saying - he wouldn't want me to talk with her, so I can't even tell him. And I so want to deal with this myself. I want to know the truth and I haven't anyone that I'm comfortable with talking to and expressing MY feelings to. Everyone seems to want me to only hear and believe them. So, my husband will try to isolate me from her. I'm not supposed to care about her or anyone other than him. Although he has been much more giving lately, I still know to be watchful. I'm not sure what I'm more upset about. Her "memories" coming through in a dream and what they are of or my mess of a marriage to a man who is unable to be emotionally supportive to me when I need it most. There are things I need to do as she does what she is doing so that I can be ok with the things I believe, but he is too insecure to let me do them. I know that I can tell him I need to do this for me, but then he will go into his poor insecure, uncomfortable, me. He will be afraid. I don't want to do that to him. And I know, even as I typed that, that I'm not doing that to him, that he is doing it to himself, but how do I handle his mood? How do you handle it when someone is hurting? Because of something that you feel differently about.

I'm really not sure what I feel - which is an issue I have been reading is very commonplace with co-dependents. Neither of my parents were alcholics. But they both had emotional issues that they grew up with. I am very sure that I am co-dependent. I am reading co-dependent no more by Melodie Beattie and have found it very enlightening. What I want most of all is to feel that I am free. Free of everyone elses feelings. I "know" that I'm not responsible for anyone elses feelings, but I am so easily swindled into feeling I am. I'm learning, slowly, but I'm so tired of the game and I am not happy with myself. I feel like I am living a lie and I don't like it. I want to be able to be honest without feeling guilty. If I don't feel what my dh wants, then he sulks and makes me feel (I know, no one can make you "feel" a certain way) guilty. Because why? Because he also is co-dependent. I have compassion for how he feels because I'm there too. But I am prepared to move on, he isn't. That is his problem. Only he can fix or change himself and I can only take care of me.

This post is long - for give me - especially if your still reading!!!

Pam

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Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 7:32am
Pam,

I can't give you any advise, but it is something to think about. With the two of you sharing a bedroom, many events would have been shared between the two of you. How they are remembered will be different for both of you. I have had dreams of things and it wasn't an actual occurence that had happened to me, but was an occurence that made me feel the same way when other things happened in my real life. I know when my sisters and I talk about things in our past, the only things we remember exactly the same are the actual beatings or actions that happened. The emotional parts are different. As far as talking with your husband, I remember trying to talk to Wendell about things. Oh, he would pretend to be caring at the moment, but never really cared about what happened to me. It was only more evidence for him that I wasn't worth anything. If feel for you because you want to reach out and get some understanding and support from him...it just isn't there.

I think one of the reasons I stayed so long with Wendell was because somehow I felt that I was taking care of him and helping him with his problems. Now, with him gone, it's like I still can't accept how he used his insecurities to keep me at bay. It really makes me sick to my stomach now when I think about it. There was nothing healthy about our relationship ever. I went on my first date in 30 years the other day. It was a very nice evening. In fact, I actually ate a meal where there was conversation. When I came home, I thought about our first date and it made me shudder. It reminded me of that song...I'm not sure the name of it, but I can remember some of the words...you know what he's after, he's going to rap her. His intention's from the get go was ownership, not companionship. Unfortunately, I was unable to separate the two. When you own something you can do whatever you want to it because it is yours. That's how they feel. They don't need to worry about what you feel because they own you. You, on the other hand are misguided to believe that this is supposed to be caring.

I don't think I helped you at all, but keep searching, you will find the answer.


Terry

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Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:58am
Pam~

I will not even try to pretend I am an expert on this subject, but I do have some personal experience in this arena. I'm not sure what I have shared here over time, as I find myself floating on several boards at once...and being bogged down with school work....but in a nutshell---I grew up in a very emotional/psychological/physical abusive home (my mom was the abuser, my father the victim)...it was all very traumatizing as a child. To top this off, I was sexually abused as a child by older neighborhood boys, and still later, date raped on several occasions (though 'date rape' was not considered then...it was more like 'well, why did you put yourself in that situation mentality'.....but I digress).

Repressed memories are a very tricky arena. In my case, I too blocked out certain things from my childhood as well as the parts of the sexual abuse. As I began to address my issues, some memories came back and some never did. What was explained to me, and what I have personally come to believe, that every experience that a person has in life gets stored away in one's mind. Sometimes, the inconsequential gets obliterated....but the more major or traumatic things stick around. However, the mind is a very powerful tool...and will sometimes lock away some memories which it has deemed to traumatic to the psyche to handle. {In the most EXTREME cases of severe abuse....this is how disassociative disorders (multiple personalities) begin...the mind splits into a new personality to deal with the world, while the core personality has sustained the trauma.} As an aside, as my now deceased grandfather became increasingly demented with Alzeheimers, he was able to recall in COMPLETE DETAIL something that occurred during the 1920's and 1930's as a young child/man, down to the smells, the colors (he was actually talking to people who were not there, and asking to no one present "Gosh, can you smell the bread? It smells wonderful". He did this with such frequency, it was amazing. Anyway....

The mind will not reveal these memories until it knows that you are able to deal with them on some level. And that only comes in time. SOMETIMES it does comes in dreams, but its more of an intuitive sense of knowing, not a vague sense of "hmmmm". Here's the danger, though.....a therapist can VERY EASILY help one to BELIEVE that things are real, when they are not, and therefore transplant false memories.

Since you have started on the inner child/co-dependency path...I strongly suggest for you to check out www.joy2meu.com which does address this, as well as abuse, recovery, spirituality. Somewhere, I read about repressed memories and some fallacies surrounding them....I believe its under the Inner Child section (but I could be wrong)---you'll have to scroll down to near the bottom for the entire index for the website. I, too, have done some work on the past in this area...and am now back to it again...and I find I still have much work to do on myself here. Do not worry about your h and his co-dependency issues.....he is on his own path, you are on your own...and the roads diverge there. You cannot control or change him...only yourself. Find your path and follow it and listen to NO ONE but your inner voice.

DO NOT SPEAK TO YOUR H about this......he will only find a way to use this information against you or to control you (as I have personally found out). Follow your gut.

My hunches are, though, if you entire sibilings have blocked out their childhood experiences, then chances are something happened. Or maybe you are all just genetically predisposed to bad memory (lol...I'm joking).

I hope this helped....just my 2 cents...for what its worth.

big hugs

dharma, who needs to get back to her books!

Avatar for ples62
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 7:00am
Terry and Dharma,

Thank you - actually both of you have helped. I have spent much time at the joy2meu website. As far as I can remember, there wasn't any physical abuse. My brothers have said that we were dirt poor (I do remember wearing shoes of the wrong size because I had no others) and that my mother yelled a lot. Dad worked 2 jobs often so I don't have a lot of memories of him prior to Jr. High age. They were definitely emotionally unavailable to us. I remember as I was growing up and even into my late teens and early 20's that I felt as if there were 2 of me - now I learn all this. I don't know what that other "me" went through and I may never truly know. Both my parents are now deceased, and I'm not sure of what my brothers will know of things that may have happened to myself and my sister. They have said it was horrible. Whether I actually ever remember anything - isn't really important - it is the past, I have to tell that inner child that she is safe now, that I will take care of her.

I believe that I am ready to make the next move - yes codependency is a huge issue for me. I understand that I must take and accept responsibility for myself, and I must take some action. Yep that old saying - if you keep doing the same old same old you keep getting the same old same old. I don't like what I've been getting, I can't "hope" for someone else to do anything differently - I must learn to take care of me first. If he were a healthy normal person - he would be ok with that. But that is for him to deal with. I am not his mother nor his child or possession.