This is RICH !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
This is RICH !!!
7
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 6:25pm

Here comes one heck of an angry vent !!! My DH and I had problems for about 1/2 of our marriage and it was just ok. Then as the kids got older the relationship switched esp. with my dd who is the youngest. He has not only set her against me, the verbal abuse and swatting me has increased.

This has gone on for a total of three times in 24 years. A push, a smack upside my head, and a good push. The problem is disciplining dd. For some reason he lets her have such control over this house. We cannot discuss college with her after she claims she is stressing it, cuz she is on the phone. She decides the radio station, balks at dinner, just completely outta control. Traffic violations, school problems, caught with vodka in the home and he will make an excuse for each of them....surreal really...I know others have it worse but I wonder why I am here paralyzed and unable to leave..

So its supper tonite, and she (sad to say but she is like the second wife figure in this house ) and says so dad you still leaving? WTH? He tells me nothing of this? Let me get this straight I have dealth with him touching me three times, and he feels victimized cuz we fight all of the time, and worse still, he answers her...Is this really happening or am I in some kind of dream.

The two of them just can't wait till I go out and get a job...LOL..they both shook their head disgusted when I told them I did not accept an offer from an employer LOL...She asked how my day at work was, and he KNEW I did not go, and there he is in a condoning fashion to her going along with this. She HATES me because of him.

If there is anyone who can help me just figure things out, I would appreciate it. I think I maybe ready for a nervous b.down.
Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:30pm

Honey, YOU have to be the one to make the decission in leaving.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:40pm

Why the heck do I stay is there a dynamic to this? Is there something wrong with ME? And why is it sooo dam hard cuz your rite it is, Why?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 9:25pm

There is a link on the board website that answers the question you are inquiring about.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 9:31pm
Honey, first let me send lots of hugs your way. What your husband is doing is crossing some kind of emotional boundary with your daughter. Meaning he is not only abusing you, but really using your daughter as a replacement spouse. Someone to talk things over with, someone to confide in. He is trying to make you the odd man out. This is NOT acceptible. Obviously counseling is in place. These dynamics have probably gone on for so long that you need to heal yourself first then try to repair the damage with your daughter that your husband has inflicted. This cannot be done while you are living there with them. I think you said your daughter was 18 years old. You have to decide if you are willing to leave the house and the relationship to heal yourself. It is IMPOSSIBLE to do while living with them. Or he can leave. Either way, you need some emotional spacing to heal. Your daughter will most likely be leaving for college soon. Then you can decide if you want to keep living with him.
I hope and pray that for the sake of your daughter and your health you will get out of this, and start on your path to a healthy, peaceful life. You deserve it. I personally am going through my own hell with STBX so I can understand your pain. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 9:58pm

Lots of hugs your way too and thank you sooo much. It is rotten that someone else is going thru this too, alot of us, but I am not alone or nuts. I can't believe what he has done to my dd's head as far as her hating me. it was interesting to read that when staying in an abusive relationship the kids could end up disrespecting the person to and I think that is what happened with me.

I have got to face the fact, there is nothing left here. My dd is a concern she is a senior in high school, and I really don't want her staying w. him because he does nothing for her except say yes all of the time. I am the guidelines, discipline mom and he lets her go buck wild. Part of the plan of her hating me.

I have got to really figure this all out and quick. She is an emotional wreck re; what college the paperwork, and really not caring too much about her school work at this point. I should have left sooo much sooner if for nothing else her and my son who is currently out of state in college. I hope it's not too late for either one of them with life long scars.

I am rambling but again, hugs and best of luck to you. I am goin to call those numbers to figure out where to start. I don't work and have health issues on top of it.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 10:04pm

I appreciate your referring me to all the links and information. No wonder dd has no respect for me. That is the number one biggest thing I picked out of that she sees me taking his crap, and with his pulling us apart it is no wonder.

I will call tomorrow. I am done I need to get out of this rut. For him to be sooo sick that he feels victimized because I say things back to him when he is out of line is just too much, informing my dd vs. me if he was staying or going was about enuf for me.

I was thinking of taking a trip out of state to visit my son not seen in two months to college. He is amazing ..it will make me happy and I can just think. There is an idea.

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:05pm
Yes, please extricate yourself away from this situation. If it will be awhile till your daughter leaves for college, then maybe ask HIM to leave if you are able to financially hold up staying by yourself with your dd at home.
You know what, about the scars, yes we all want our kids to grow up without scars. But everything is a learning experience. I am sure you did not knowingly enter this relationship knowing it will be this way. But it is NEVER too late to get help. As long as you are going the right way, your daughter might not admit it to you but she will be proud of the steps that you have taken. Sometimes it is not so much that she might hate you, but that she is venting out her desparation at the situation. It is usually much easier for a girl to vent at her mother and take her fathers side. Maybe not usually, but I think that it could be said that there is something to the saying "Daddys girl" or "Mommys Boy". But again, I do not want to generalize.
It is too bad that we come into a marriage full of ideal dreams and hopes for the future, then some of us realize that what we thought we had we actually did not.
Hopefully, your husband will be able to leave so that you will be able to restore some order in your home, but if you do not want to leave until your daughter goes to college, then try to wait it out till she leaves.
But there are still plenty of things you can do in the meantime. Contact a Domestic Abuse Office and see if there is weekly individual or group counseling that you can do. It is usually very inexpensive, or even free for some people. Take out books to read on the subject. There is a great book for emotionally abused women, I might be wrong but one of those books is called "The Dance of Anger." The name might be wrong though.
Go out, take care of yourself. Go to a movie occasionally (if you can). Tell yourself you are a wonderful woman. Try to live with peace in your life from now on. But if you can't do that around him, try to leave him.