Rollercoaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Rollercoaster
9
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 7:13pm
I need some input from others out there who have been in this similar situation. I have been in a relationship with a guy for about 5 years now, minus the many times we were broken up during this time. I realize that I am in an unhealthy situation and I just cannot seem to walk away once and for all. Seems we are just as miserable apart as when we are together and we always manage to get back together, only to start this pattern over and over. We both are adults and independent, as well as somewhat set in our ways at this stage in our lives. He is a verbally abusive guy who loves to criticize my ways and I cannot seem to do enough to make him happy. I used to turn myself inside out for this guy, but in the past year or so, I have started to wise up and try to put my needs first because he never does. However, because of that, it has only caused him to be more angry and more verbally abusive. It doesn't appear that he is willing to compromise as much. He has made it my "job" to take care of him and his needs first. We both work and have responsibilities. I work full time and go to school and take time to work out at the gym and do other activities. I feel that I am doing all I can do at this stage in my life to spend time with him - and we spend a lot of time together considerating our busy schedules. However, it is not enough for him. He wants me to cook for him, watch tv with him (the things HE wants to watch), help him around his house, just generally hang out at his place and stay overnight as much as possible. I have my own place and my own life, as well. It is like he wants me to give it all up. I did that once before in this relationship - I moved in with him a couple years ago and that lasted a whole 8 months before he met someone else and I had to move out. I feel like he is a puppetmaster, pulling all the strings. I am pretty independent and all, but he has drained me emotionally and spiritually becuz he complains so much - I feel like I cannot do enough to keep him happy. He went so far as to call me 'lazy' the other night and then just walked out of my home without saying goodbye. I tried calling him to discuss things but he won't even take my calls. I always feel like the bad guy and yet I know in my gut that I am doing nothing wrong. He does have a drinking problem in my opinion. but I am unaware of him constantly going out to drink. But I think he goes through phases when he craves it more and when he does, he starts to act up again. For all the trouble he is, we are/were in comfort zone together and I feel like I will never find that again. I am 40 years old and feel stuck, unable to walk away from this. Since he walked out the other night, my life suddenly is feeling peaceful again. But i know that it could be a week from now, a month from now or even more.. . but he will call me again. I don't want to repeat this again. It makes me physically sick inside. I am ashamed and my friends are so tired of hearing about this. I need some words of support. thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 7:46pm

Welcome to the board, tired.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:36am
He may well call, but you don't have to pick up the phone. I second the advice for NO CONTACT. If you don't have Caller ID, now might be a good time to invest in it. That way, he can't record a manipulative message, but you will know not to answer the phone.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 2:24pm

Hi Tired...

Well you've came to the right place. I have had tremendous support and advice on this board. It just really helped me talking with other women that are going thru or have gone thru the same thing. You are not alone.

Again, the no contact rule is the most important thing about moving on from him. I know how difficult it can be - but it can be done. I have had a very difficult time with the no contact rule. I was doing great for about a week with no contact, then my X contacted me (After he told me to lose his number, never call him again, said he regretted everything about our relationship... etc) Everything is always controlled by the man in the abusive relationship. It is okay for them to call us, but boy if we called them!! It is so unfair. They see nothing wrong with it thou. They are all really screwed up and their mind is all backwards.

Does your X live close to you? I'm guessing he knows where you live and probably work? So he just kinda packed up and left and hasn't contacted you yet... I'm a little confused, are you still together with him? And he will contact you when HE wants to and when it is convienient for him?

Good Luck to you.... Post as much as you like. Post when you want to speak to him and when you want to call him. Try the no contact rule. It is very difficult - but it can be done.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 8:20pm
I really appreciate the replies. I guess mine was somewhat vague - I didn't want to bore everyone with all the details. but my boyfriend does not currently live with me. He moved into a house and I live in an apartment. He stopped in Friday evening to see me and then started to "badger" me to go out boozing with him, which should be a no brainer to him - I don't drink! We have been together for so many years and it was silly for him to start pressuring me. Again, I am 40 years old and not likely to change much now. He stood here and told me that I need to "train" myself to get up the energy to go out more and that I am lazy. He also told me that no other guy will ever put up with me and that I am boring. Granted, I cannot keep up with him (he is 5 years younger than me). I am a homebody and sometimes I need a bit of a push to go out. However, it seems this past week he was building up to this - - his walking out in the middle of a conversation - - and then I still haven't heard from him. My life is as busy as I want it to be and I was doing everything I could to see him as much as possible. His response to me is that I only see him when it is convenient for me. Like I am such a horrible person. I work full-time, go to school, have my own place and friends, and I have animals that I love and refuse to neglect. He has decided to take it personally that I am not there for him 24/7. His mother is too involved in his life in my opinion and I think that he wants me to spoil him as she has. she gives him EVERYTHING he wants and needs - even though he is 35 years old. I cannot live up to his high expectations. I am looking for a partnership where two people respect each other and do not sit in judgment of each other. That isn't what I have. I feel like a child. He was constantly complaining that I don't stay overnight enough at his house. however, he YELLED at me one evening because I kept waking up to use the bathroom. he freaked out about it. I swear if he would have had rope, he would have strapped me down to the bed so that I couldn't move. As awful as all this is, it never starts out like this. He couldn't be nicer when he is trying to get me back. Eventually he starts getting ignorant again and more demanding. His smart-*ss and sexist comments to me hurt, but I bite my tongue. I guess he didn't like it when I told him that I fully support him going out and meeting someone else that evening that I didn't want to go out. I certainly didn't mean it to hurt him - but I am obviously not the right one for him because all he does is complain now about how awful I am. He does live fairly close but I am not worried about him showing up at my job. Our last break up he didn't contact me for a month and then I stupidly answered his call when he finally called me. I am sure that at some level I accepted responsibility for things not working out. I can't keep going through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 12:04pm

You're not boring me (or probably anyone else) with the details. It makes it easier to know more that is going on than not enough. So you don't need to worry if you put more than enough... because it makes it easier to understand your situation.

To me it sounds like he really is trying to control you, but you are not letting him control you to some degree. You like to relax and stay home and he likes to go out drinking. Can't he just accept that. My X was the opposite. He liked to stay home all the time, but I would get cabin fever and need to do something... but he never wanted to do anything. He just wanted to stay home and play video games. It really drove me nuts. I guess it can work both ways... But everything always has to go their way or the highway!

It's funny when I read your post. You said that you only see him when it is convienient for you... My X has said that line many many times to me. Of course you see them when it is convenient for yourself. Why would you call them to see them if it is a horrible time and you have so much to do...?? You go to school, work full-time, live on your own... etc.. etc... You are a busy person!!

"I am looking for a partnership where two people respect each other and do not sit in judgment of each other. That isn't what I have."
-- The thing about this statement that you said is so very true. You will never have this kind of relationship if you stay with this man. Only 1% of abusers change. He will most likely never change... and you deserve so much better than what you have.

Are you feeling that whatever you do it is never enough for him? I have gone thru that feeling so much with my X. It is very draining. You try so hard to make it work, change yourself over and over again to make him love you more - but it will never do. There will always be something to improve on.

There is nobody that will ever be good enough for him. There will be women before and after you that will go thru the same thing that you are. He will treat them the same way he treats you.

No, You cannot keep going thru this kind of relationship. It is very draining. Nothing will ever be good enough for him. Bending over backwards to make it better... but then he will say that he is the one bending over backwards. Their mind is totally backwards.. and it confuses me sooo much! You don't deserve this. My opionion, you need to move on, stop answering his calls (it is very difficult - but it is possilbe) have no contact with him.. and move on for YOU and only YOU.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 9:25pm
Thank you so much! It helps to hear that someone else has gone through this too - not that I would wish it on anyone. I do feel that I am bending over backwards for him - and I know I have in the past much more. And it was never enough. The thing is, I feel selish in a way - like maybe I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. I did make as much time for him as I could. But, he still found something to gripe about. He never thanked me. And I know that in his mind, he is thinking that he did "everything" for me and that I did nothing for him. I know that is what he is thinking and that hurts. He did a couple things to help me out (work on my car, etc.). But it wasn't the emotional or romantic stuff that would have meant the most. And as far as going out socially - I am more of a homebody but I am not completely against going out. His approach is such a turn off and I just know that I will end up sitting there until the bar closes, while I sip on maybe one drink and he is completely lit. and then we will fight even worse because when he is drunk, it all comes pouring out into a horribly negative conversation. If he would have been more loving and sensitive and asked me to go out to dinner and maybe one drink but ptromised to bring me home early - I would have gladly got ready to go out that evening. But as you have said - it was his way or the highway. The longer it takes for him to contact me, the easier it will be for me to tell him to move on. The problem is that his birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I am sure part of his game is to not contact me and then when his birthday comes, he KNOWS i will contact him to wish him a happy birthday. but the thing is, I may just send a card because I do not want to get into another argument with him that leads to a get-back-together. It makes it easy when he hasn't been contacting me. but I know he is going to. That is what scares me and I hope that I stick to my guns and not go back into that again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:32pm

A lot of women have gone thru / are going thru the same thing that you are.

The things that you will do for him will NEVER be good enough. Once you think you are at the point of doing something right, something else will come up for you to improve on. It is a never ended battle. You are a great girlfriend. The problems in this relationship is him. With any other girl that he has dated or will date, will be the same. Nothing will ever be good enough for him. The problem is not you, it is him. They do not take responsibilty for their own actions - they blame everyone around them.

Abusers switch everything around. They want to be the centre of attention. They will switch things around on you to say it is your fault - when in reality it is their fault... but then we start to feel bad and apologize for their actions. My abuser and I were watching a movie one night. I didn't understand a part in the movie, he explained it once, but I still didn't get it, I said it would be fine and I would catch on. Thinking this would be fine we started watching the movie again. He then had a hissy fit and thru the flicker on the floor and broke it and stormed in the room. he then came out about 10 minutes later and blamed everything on me. I don't understand still.. I said I would just watch the movie...but no... switch it around so I am the bad guy.

The thing about birthdays - he does not deserve you even sending him a card. I know how difficult that is. My birthday was the last straw from my abuser. The whole weekend started off bad because my sister came to visit me for my birthday.. he probably wanted me all to himself - and he didn't get his own way. On my birthday he didn't even wish me happy birthday - and we lived together!!! He didn't even spend any time with me. He got up early and went out shopping, then went to wash his car, then came home and was grumpy. I then went out grocery shopping for a BBQ I was having that night. Came home, wasn't there.. so me and my sister went to the beach. We got home thinking about starting the BBQ and stuff....he still wouldn't help me with the BBQ (he was being really selfish) Finally got me a card but I didn't open it. We then got in a big fight i don't even know what it was about. Then I decided to go elsewhere for the BBQ. I was wearing this nice dress and he was calling me a wh**e, B**ch, etc... Then about to leave the house he is calling me a loser about 5 times. I have had enough by this point!! I then go back in the house to pick something up and he is in the room balling his eyes out (I mean balling!) and he is saying he is sorry AGAIN and AGAIN saying he doesn't know what comes over him... blah blah.. finally says happy birthday. I then start to feel bad for him and want to forgive him.... but I still don't to this day. Something clicked that night. I deserve so much better than the way he treated me. It might only be 2 words of Happy Birthday, but the only thing I wanted was to hear those words from his mouth, and to treat me with respect... and he failed.

My abusers Birthday was a couple weeks ago. I had a major meltdown that day. I was so upset. I wanted to call him so badly, but I didn't.. I couldn't. He doesn't deserve that from what he did to me on my birthday.

It helped me to hear about other peoples stories of their abusers. That is why I put a couple of mine in there. You might start to see that some of your abusers traits are the same as other stories you might hear. That happened to me.. Same things they would say, some actions... shocking to me.

Anyways... good luck with everything. The no contact rule is the best way to move on. It is very difficult - but it is possible. You are doing great. I do think he will contact you (only when he wants to tho... that's the way it works with abusers) You need to stay stong.. He does not deserve you. you deserve so much more than him.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 8:47pm

Thanks so much for sharing your stories - I was blown away because I have gone through situations very very similar to what you did. I think someone else mentioned a book about angry and controlling men, so i ordered it and am waiting for it. I am hoping it gives me more insight. With each passing day, I am more determined not to get back on the rollercoaster again. I feel worried because I do not want to attract this into my life anymore and feel ashamed that this has happened. I feel like I never have had a healthy relationship so that worries me. How to get out, stay out, and then not find another one like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 9:12pm

yes.. If I am thinking about the same book - "Why does he do that" Inside the Minds of angry and controlling men. If that is the book you ordered it is an amazing book. I am almost finished reading it myself. It really has helped me understand my abuser and I have learnt so much. It has so much information in it.. also beginning warning signs so that will really help me in the future.

I am ashamed too. I never thought that I would be in a very unhealthy relationship. It seems like it just creeps in and takes over.. It really happenes quickly and quietly. Before you know it, it's pretty bad already and your self esteem is going downhill. I stopped believing him when he said he would change. I should have known better.. but I was in Love with him and I thought that love conquers everything... well not in my case... not in abusive relationships.

Have you thought about going to speak with a counsellor? Speaking with someone who specializes in Domestic Violence will really help you move on for YOU.

Lauren

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