Sad so Sad (very long)
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 10-06-2006 - 12:47pm |
My story is long and very tangled.
I've been married for almost 17yrs (three kids 10,8,6). Worked early in M while H was in law school. From our wedding day (I kid you not), H has been a workaholic. He actually left festivities early to go home and study. Early in our marriage, I begged him to spend some time with me (just an hour on the weekend)but he couldn't commit because of his study schedule.
Within the year, I convinced him to go to counselling with me. Lasted less than 5 session, he stormed out because he felt the counsellor was "manipulating" me. Fast forward a few more years, I got him to try another counsellor. Didn't last long because he was too busy with work. During this time, I was often critisized for not doing things the way he would like them done.
Had first child, was still miserable and sometimes afraid of his temper (though he never hit me just got ugly - you can't argue with a lawyer). Went back to counsellor by myself then got him to join me (again didn't last long).
Fast forward, two more children. I'm not keeping myself in shape (so he says). He works long, long hours (earns really good pay) but somehow I still feel like I'm not pulling my weight. He often compains how he alone works hard. He will get angry if he doesn't like the way I'm dressed (if I don't tuck in my shirt), he starts to buy all my clothes. I stop shopping 'cause why take the chance of buying something he doesn't like. I hate cooking cause I've been told (often) how I'm using the wrong knife etc. Apparently, I don't properly discipline our son.
One day, on a crowded city street, he gets angry with me and threatens to hurt me physically (our children and mothers were present). Back to counselling we go - again it only lasts for a handful of sessions before he gets "too busy" to make the Saturday morning appointments. I continue counselling alone until the counsellor tells me to stop (I knew the situation and knew my choices - in fact had made my choice to stick it out).
Fast forward two more years, H has been asking me to swing. I say no (not my thing). H approaches me to suggest I have an affair (just go protected, be discreet, and don't do anyone that would compromise his career). Guess what I do. Didn't think I ever would, but I did. The person with whom I had the affair (a single man by the way), treated me in a way I didn't know possible. Suddenly I felt beautiful and valuable. H found out though and now we are headed for divorce (my choice - he wants to reconcile).
When I read over this I can see how twisted our relationship was. Many of my friends are relieved that I am seeking a D (of course I have to make my own decisions). One suggested that the affair gave me the self esteem I was lacking to break away (?). Still I am consumed by guilt. He declares that he was a good husband - now I'm destroying everything he worked so hard for. Interestingly, since I asked for the D, he has become a better father (I can't help but ask - will it last?).
I just feel really sad today. Most days, I'm strong because I believe I will be better off alone. I'm giving up a million dollar home, and all the comforts of his six figure salary. I hope to regain myself!

Hi Greenlady :o) Welcome to the board!
I definitley see some red flags in your post about your Ex husband (You are not divorced right?) A few things do concern me and I am glad you got out safely.
The one thing about counselling is that if you are in an abusive relationship you should not go to counselling with your abuser. To me there is signs of abuse. He may not have hit you physically, but I would say there was emotional / verbal abuse going on. That is just my opinion of what you wrote in your post. The thing about counselling - if you are in an abusive relationship and you go to couples counselling you cannot truly be yourself. Usually victims hold back what they want to say in fear of what their abuser will do or say. Couples counselling will make abusive relationships get worse and you really will go backwards instead of forwards like you might think. The counsellor was not manipulating you - I bet your H just said that because he didn't want to go back. He was making excuses.
"During this time, I was often critisized for not doing things the way he would like them done." ** Does this happen a lot? This happened to me a lot in my abusive relationship. i felt that anything I did was never ever good enough for him. You did things one way and it wasn't right, but you did things another way and it still wasn't right. It will never be good enough with abusers - EVER!
"He will get angry if he doesn't like the way I'm dressed (if I don't tuck in my shirt), he starts to buy all my clothes. I stop shopping 'cause why take the chance of buying something he doesn't like."** This is another secretive way that abusers take control of their victims. They might say if you respect me you wouldn't wear that low cut shirt.. or something similar. When it all comes down to it all abusers want is power and control. He wants to tell you what to wear. That is really what it boils down to... Power and control. "I hate cooking cause I've been told (often) how I'm using the wrong knife etc." Here is another example of how anything you do is not good enough. Who really cares what knife you use to cut the veggies!! Like really!! If it is not good enough he will blow up and get angry and tell you that you should know better. In a way acting like the victims father. "Apparently, I don't properly discipline our son." ** I am sure you do a fine job in disciplining your son. It again boils down to it is not the way that he wants so he gets mad at you. It is just not good enough for him.
"I continue counselling alone until the counsellor tells me to stop" ** Did the counsellor tell you to stop the counselling... or tell you to stop and get out of the marriage?
"The person with whom I had the affair (a single man by the way), treated me in a way I didn't know possible. Suddenly I felt beautiful and valuable. H found out though and now we are headed for divorce (my choice - he wants to reconcile)." You know what would happen in the end if you decided to reconcile?? The affair that your H wanted to you have.. he would use that to get back at you for the rest of your life. He would never forget it and always go back to that in fights. I am so happy that you decided to get a divorce from him.
He was not a good husband. You are not destroying anything. He is the one with the problems no matter what he tells you. I bet he still tells you that you destroyed everything, that you have problems...that you caused this by having an affair. He is the one with problems not you. He is becoming a better father to try and win you back. That is all!! He is trying to convince you that he is a great father and husband.. but he will go back to his old ways. He will not change that fast. It is impossible.
You are better off alone.. I will tell you that a million times... because it is the truth. You might be giving up so much, but look at what you are gaining. You are gaining yourself back, and your well being.. and your self esteem. You are not going to have to walk around on egg shells anymore.. you can do whatever you want, cook what you want and wear whatever you like!!
Keep posting as much as you like and need to.. we are all here for you.
Lauren
Thanks Lauren!!!
I'm crying while I write this because I know what you wrote is true (I think I stumbled in to this board for the validation). Sometimes I wonder how I let myself get into this situation in the first place. Why didn't I leave long ago?
My H is still living in the house (my attorney is working on that) so I am often subject to him "wanting to talk". I get to hear a lot about his pain and what a good husband he has been (I worked hard so you could have...). I am doing the best I can to just stay away from him until he gets out. But sometimes I just feel soooo guilty. Shouldn't I appreciate the hardworking husband I had, the house, the nice things? I do know the answer to that, but emotions aren't always rational. He has been mr. ultra-nice but every now and then the anger comes out (following me across a parking lot declaring me a sinner).
Nobody is perfect (certainly not me). I can say that I tried. I tried time and time again. Now that he wants to work it out - I'm accused of being a quitter (among other things). Of course if I had to do it all over again, I would have skipped the affair. Unfortunately, I think the affair helped clarify how truly bad my marriage was and did give me the guts to walk away. But everyday is a struggle because I am consumed by guilt for what I have done (and yes I am seeing a therapist).
Thanks for listening and not judging me.
I also want to suggest you get the book "Why does he do that" Inside the minds of angry & controlling men By Lundy Brancroft. It is a wonderful book. It really helped me out after I got out of my abusive relationship.
"Sometimes I wonder how I let myself get into this situation in the first place. Why didn't I leave long ago?" ** I think that all victims of abuse wonder this all the time. I know that I still do. Why didn't I see it before? How could I have let this happen to me? The thing is - abusers do the things they do so secrectly. They have a way of doing things to eat away at our self esteem and self worth.. making us feel worthless and stupid and that we don't deserve them and nobody will ever want us. Why do we feel like we deserve that? I don't know!! But they make us feel that way.... You deserve so much more than what that man has gave you. Yes, he gave you a beautiful house and probably so many other things because he has money... but this is where money isn't everything.
I hope he moves out soon or you do. One of the most important parts of moving on after an abusive relationship is the no contact rule. I do understand that you have children with this man... so it will now be minimal contact between the 2 of you. He will try to win you back.. like you said he wants to talk and how you hear from him about his pain and he was a good husband. He wasn't a good husband of what you described. Yes of course there was wonderful times... but you can't forget about the bad times either.
"He has been mr. ultra-nice but every now and then the anger comes out (following me across a parking lot declaring me a sinner)." ** Have you heard about the abuse cycle? It is the cycle that all abuser have. It goes from the build-up stage to the explosion to the hearts & flowers stage. You might have heard people saying how abusive realtionships are like rollercoasters and this is why. They only way to break the abuse cycle to to end the relationship and to get out.
"Nobody is perfect (certainly not me). I can say that I tried. I tried time and time again. Now that he wants to work it out - I'm accused of being a quitter (among other things)." This part you said really hit home with me. When I decided to end my relationship with my abuser he called me a quitter to. He said to me if I am used to running away from my problems then just run away. The thing is he is the problem and I am running away .. but it is a good thing that I am getting away before it gets any worse. He doesn't see things like that. He wants to work it out on his clock and only his clock. When abusers are fine after a fight they want us victims to be fine too. They do not care that we are still sad after a fight. They are fine so everyone else should be fine to. Abusers are very selfish.
You did the right thing. Everything happens for a reason. You had an affair.. at the time maybe you thought it was a bad thing but now you can look back and say that it saved your life. Maybe it didn't safe your marriage, but that is a good thing. It really is. You can live you yourself now!! :o)
Lauren
Hi Greenlady....I hear you about the workaholic thing. Funny someone just said this to me last night and here it is again. I have a baby with a workaholic/genius at his career. His bonus is more than most people's yearly salary and I am guessing you can understand this coming from where you sit. He graduated Ivy League, works in Manhattan, and money is like water sometimes to him.
There has been a very high price to pay with him. There are passwords on the money accounts on the computer that I don't have! He has never been able to commit to a time to watching our daughter, and blames work for this. I have been 100% responsible for the child care, anything to do with the house, the cars, etc. At no given time am I guaranteed of how much money I will have access to. He spent thousands of dollars to fly us to another country for a friend's wedding, thousands to fly us somewhere for a family holiday, but when it came to a little trip for me and my daughter he actually booked a MOTEL two hours away. Not that there is anything wrong with some motels, except for it just showed exactly where his priorities are. It was supposed to be a special trip for us which was discussed for 17 months....and that is the best he could do for me.
I am sorry you can't tell him to just leave the house right now. Maybe you can go somewhere for a few days just to get some space.
I hear you about the guilt. I felt guilty and felt like I owed him something for a long time. I actually felt like I owed it to him to have another child with him. I have to tellyou the guilt is being replaced by anger because now I am so angry at all of the things I have missed out on because he was unwilling to take responsibility for his child. He also played the game of guilt - doing things like sleeping outside in the car! Or sleeping at the train station! Now I don't care where he sleeps at all. Because he wants me to feel guilty. He plays on that. He has enough money to sleep anywhere he wants....so I don't want to hear where he spent last night.
I will be watching for your posts, sorry I seemed to vent so much in response to your post, but it seems I can relate.....
Never, ever apologize for venting! It helps me get through the day.
Thank you for sharing your story - there are many parallels with mine.
One of the things I have been struggling with is the effect everything is having/ will have on my children. Some days I know that leaving this marriage is absolutely the right thing. Other days I ask myself if I can suck it up just a little longer.
Realisticly, 1)what am I teaching my children about health relationships if I'm not in one 2)why should I sacrafice myself - shouldn't I be allowed to be happy too?
Sam, there are many different kinds of abuse - after I read my own post (and believe me, I didn't even go into all the details) it became obvious to me what I had been living with. Unfortunately, for us and the others like us, we are living with men who have a socially acceptable addiction (work). It is my husband's career that validates him and everything we as a family presented to the outside world needed to be a reflection of his career status. The nice house in the burbs, the fancy car, the clothes, the charity events. God forbid something interfers with the image.
People like that also have an overwhelming need to control others (by whatever means necessary). The level of control your H exhibits is unhealthy for you! The question is what do you do to change it?
Since I stumbled on this message board two days ago, I suddenly feel I found a thousand kindred spirits. Everyone here seems to understand - it is such a relief!
Thank you!