This is the sadest week for me..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
This is the sadest week for me..........
2
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:00pm

This week is going to be very challenging for me. As of thursday I will no longer be working at my job. Due to my job not wanting me to work for them anymore because I have to take leave to give birth to my daughter. Therefore no more internet. Which then means no more support from this wonderful board that I've been able to come to. I am so scared to be "alone." Without a way to get my feelings out there so that even I can understand. This board has been a life saver for me. Even tho I am still with my H. This board has been my "out." Now, I won't know what to do. I have noone else. And becuase I'm having a c-section I won't be able to move around alot. I'm scared about taking care of both of my children. A newborn and a one year old that is so attached to me. What am I going to do?? My H is not going to be there to help!!!! I am trying not to even think about postpartum depression, but I have this feeling that I will have it. I have been a wreck. Crying, which comes out of no where at any time. Being at this job for this long has really been a blessing for me. It was somthing that I could be proud of. And I had some serious plans with it for the future as far as a job that could be a career for me if/when I would leave my H. A job that would be able to support me and my two kids. And now.....I feel like it was just ripped from me. Why does this stuff happen to me. I have somthing so good and it just gets taken away from me. It's not fair. My job was my "safe"place to come to and get away from the constant reminders of what goes on at home. It was a place that I could breathe fresh air. And now I feel like I'm goign to suffocate. I've been having anxiety attacks more often about the thought of being home by myself with the babies. Even starting this Friday being home with my son freaks me out. Dont' get me wrong I LOVE my son and love being with him. But, I've been so used to coming to work and stuff that even thinking about being home freaks me out. I know that I will give my time to my son, but I'm always wondering if I do enough for him during the day?? So, that has it's own worries in itself. I am trying to keep my mind focused on being the best mom to my kids, but I feel like I'm going to fall short. And that scares me too. No, it FREAKS ME OUT!!!

My H and I have been "okay" Not sure if he is in his "nice" cycle anymore. It's like he's in it but comes out for a while and goes off. Then jumps back into being "nice." We have had a few big arguments which both lead into being physical. One I felt was somewhat my fault. I should have stayed quiet and stopped pushing him. He did ask me a few times to stop yelling and calm down, but by that point I was already gone with my anger. Which lead to a wrestling match once again. The other argument just happened last night. We were out camping over night. And he just kept digging into me. Everything I was saying and doign was just ticking him off. It started by me offering to drive home since he had been drinking and had been doing alot of stuff and he just seemed really tired. So I offered to drive the hour and 45 minutes home. He started screaming at me for "accusing him of being incapable of driving" And he also said that I was stating that he would put his son in danger on purpose and crash??" I was just trying to help him out. Which proved that I was right all along cause he was daydreaming or somthing and he almost ran into the guy in front of us!!!!! not even 5 mintues on the road. So from being scared I yelled at him and told him that I was going to drive. He then smack me on the side of my belly. It didn't hurt terribly but hurt enough cause I'm preg. So I got out of the car screaming at him while we switched seats. I was just trying to tell him that what he did was VERY unesessary cause I didn't touch him or do anything to deserve it. It came out of now where. I was telling him how he has become very very loose with his hands that for no reason out of no where he will give me a little "stay still" hit. Which lead to more screaming. Anyway, on our way home he had said that he was sorry for doing what he did. And once again he tried to make me feel like if I would have just stayed quiet or whatever he wouldn't have done that. I was telling him that when we get into these nast fights they put us 10 steps back from being 1 step forward when we were doing good. He said in responce that it's just the way we are, and that we are still working on our relationship. I didn' realy respond, but in my mind I knew it was all just crap!!!! Don't know what his problem was all night but like I said, I just couldn't do anything right from making him dinner that he didnt' really want to eat, to laying in the bed a certain way that he didnt' like. Now, he is back to being nice. And is just waiting for me to come around too I guess. I am not over what happened last night. So I am kinda ignoring him.
Sorry this has been so long. I just wanted to let you ladies now where I've been at these days. And I needed to get this all off my chest. Please if you guys have comments, questions support WHATEVER, please send it my way before the week is done. I really need it!!!! Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:09am

Sweetie, listen to yourself. You know better than this. Read back through your post and tell me you don't know the truth. Him getting physical is your fault because everything he did ticked you off? Come on, you are not to blame for his abusiveness. He hits you in your belly - he hits you AND your baby. This is not a safe situation and you know it full well. Of course you love your son, going to work had nothing to do with getting away from him, it was an escape from your abuse, it was a way to focus on something else and not have to face your home situation, it was a distraction, it was staying in touch with the non-abusive world. Your anxiety attacks aren't about staying home, they're about feeling trapped in your abuse. Exhibiting symptoms is a sure sign of just how seriously wrong staying in this situation is.

How scary it has to be to think about losing contact with your support. There is the library, where you can access computers, but you won't be heading out there immediately after birth, but it is a way to access the board. What about your cousin who you've mentioned before, it's not possible for you to stay with her? She wouldn't help you? I know it's not what you want, but there's always the shelter, it's certainly better than being abused and it's TEMPORARY. Please consider your options, you do have choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 3:44pm

elm06,
I just wanted to wish you luck and strength.
My mother is an abusive relationship and has been for the past 27 years.
It is hard. It's hard for her, but it's also hard for me I know watching her go through what she goes through. She's had broken bones, broken spinal discs, shattered buttbone, and fractured skull among black eyes, bruises, scratches, emotional and xxesual abuse.
All of this for 27 years.
And even miscarried her first child before me because of the abuse.
I just want to let you know you are not alone.
Not sure what the extent of your abuse is, but I really do hope and pray for your mental and emotional tranquility.
I know how it can be to feel like you have no one except one thing, and that one thing being this board. Try to think back to times when there was no internet! Be strong for yourself and for your kids please! Just think - if you snap, then who will be there for your children?
My mom had no one for years either, and she could of course not depend on us kids being her emotional support because what do kids know...she was even seperated from her family for 13 years because of my father. then all of a sudden one day he decided to let her see her family again. that's when we first met our cousins.
crazy, crazy things.
at least now i am thankful for my mom having my support and the support of her sister who she can talk to.

do you have your family? are you allowed to speak to them? do they know what's going on?
try to keep as close to them as possible. what are the possibilities of you going to live with them? and why isn't your job taking you back?