To Sandmant2write

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
To Sandmant2write
1
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 12:54am

Dear Randy,

Cl-Blueliner 4 is right. Abuse is not a gender issue it's a people issue. In the old days an abusive wife would have been called a 'nag', 'shrew' or 'scold'. You would have been a 'Hen pecked' husband.

I have a friend who is a celebrity here, everyone in Australia knows & loves him, no one has a bad word to say about him. He ended up in an abusive relationship for a few months. He's not all that mature & his celebrity status has indulged his every whim for the last 20 years but for all that he is a sweetheart. He was in his late 30's & she was 25 & a real piece of works. One day I went over for coffee & he had one hell of a black eye. He'd said the wrong thing apparently & before he knew it he had a shiner. Thank God he wasn't filming anything at the time, it would have cost him thousands. Being a comedian he tried to make a joke of it & refused to take it seriously, he was a man after all. Her childish psychotic temper was dismissed due to her age & lack of maturity. He said he was trying to see if he still had it in him to conduct a relationship & he deliberately chose someone who he was bound to fail with but that is beside the point. He didn't sign up for the abuse. It ended fairly quickly thank god. I've known other men to live in unhappy abusive relationships, really sweet, loyal people who have so much to give.

I personally need a male view point. I need to study & understand the climet & current culture of men & why they feel entitled to rule another person with an iron fist. One conclusion I have come to is they don't necessarily come from an abusive background. Many of them have had mothers that have over indulged them, not taught them manners or limits & given them a sense of over entitlement. Spoilt them rotten in other words. Their mothers haven't taught them the basics of fending for themselves or taking responsibility, they have been shielded from the consequences of their actions for as long as they could & encouraged him/her to believe they are blameless for any problems in their lives. As much as I loved my mother-in-law she over indulged my X & he always ran to her to sort out his emotional or financial woes. He even tried to get her involved when I first tried to leave. It caused the only cross words we had. I told her to butt out & to her credit she tried to from that time on but he would try & involve her anyway. After all, Mummy sorted everything else out, why not me too? My mother-in-law was only trying to be a good parent but you know that old saying 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions'.

I think we are all very wounded souls here & because of what we have lived through it's our obligation to learn from what has happened to us & pass on the gift of comfort & healing. I myself cannot find the time with 4 children & a job to go back to university & become a physiologist so helping others (with a humble heart) is the next best thing for me & it's part of my healing. Even after I left my X I spent 3 years in an angry, resentful fog not realizing it was part of the cycle of being abused. It's better but I'm still a work in progress.

So stay the course with us. You don't have to agree that every situation described here is necessarily an abusive one. Some people do have to sort out the plain immature from the abusive, it's a valid question people have to ask themselves when they are having problems in a relationship.

With the right help your son will heal & grow into a valuable, strong, worthwhile man. You are his most important role model & if you set the right example he will turn out fine. Use what he went through to make him a better person. My girls are prone to blaming their mistakes & problems on other people like their father but with patience I'm teaching them to face the consequences of their actions. It's unpleasant & hard at times & I'm not always able to be consistent about it but the will & effort is there.

Take care of you & your son. Post again soon.

Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:38am
Katiebear...I couldn't have said it better!!! Thank you for voicing my thoughts exactly!!!
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