says he's sorry and wants 1 more chance

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
says he's sorry and wants 1 more chance
8
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 2:06am

After the ranting and raving all weekend, he says he's sorry and wants 1 more chance. He says he will not give me a hard time if I go out to the store or out with my lady friends to go out to eat and have a margarita or 2. But this is such a vicious cycle, because he does this ALL THE TIME. I have just decided to give in and not go anywhere or do anything, it's not worth the arguing that my daughters are getting exposed to. I told him the same thing. For years I sat home every Saturday night while he went to track and I survived through that so I can do it again. It won't kill me to just be under house arrest then deal with his attacks.

Of course he was also pushing for me to have sex with him, which is usually common after he's gone off on his verbal tirades.

Has anyone else gone through similar experiences?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 2:42am
Hi, My hubby does this all the time. I was really young when I got married, 20, and Im still only 22, I was with hubby for 6 years before we got married though. Im still in the relationship but I am moving out this weekened, if everything goes as plans. But the advice I will give you is, what your going through is the abuse cycle, and he is giving you the honeymoon stage, where he says he will never do it again,he is sorry, blah, blah. My hubby would say he really did not mind me going out and doing stuff, but when I did go out and I came home, I would never hear the end of it, so I did'nt bother going out anymore.It was not worth the pain of hearing what a retard I am and so on, I even stopped talking to my best friend of 15 years because he did not like her! Its the guilt trip they lay on you, make you feel bad for having a life! I put up with this for 5 years and I can not put up it with it anymore, if you are not happy, than don't put up with it. But whatever you decide, know you are not alone, and we all at one point went through this. I hope I helped you out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 5:03am

I am familiar with the sorrys. Best example but by all means not the only one, was the time he broke my ribs after sending me sliding across a table. He spewed out all kinds of things like 'I lost control' 'I will never do it again' 'It was the only time' (it wasn't) 'I shouldn't have done it'. That was 4 years ago. Even as recently as a few months ago, but also at least 4 or 5 times thoroughout those 4 years after, he came back at me with 'you provoked me' or implying I deserved it. Then most recently since the divorce started, it's now 'it never happened'. Lesson here is, he was never sorry for what he did. He had a moment of fear that he would suffer some sort of consequence immediately after it happened. That dissolved into nothing once no consequences followed. It became easier to justify what he did then because he certainly wasn't sorry. I don't believe in sorrys anymore.

Regarding the sex, yes, I am familiar with that too. He would have a fit of rage, he would scare the *&%^& out of me, then go to another room slamming the door shut. Not so long after, maybe only an hour, while maybe I am cleaning or working on something, he would come up behind me and start groping me. I would of course cringe and pull away with his last fit fresh in my mind. Unfortunately this would cause a whole new fit of rage often ending in a slammed front door and the car scretching out of the garage. Sometimes he would yell something about how he has plenty of opportunities with women who want to throw themselves at him, just before leaving. I usually wouldn't see him again until 1 or 2 in the morning. I only saw him then because I sat up staring at the front door and intending to run interference while my mother (staying with me) would be positioned to grab my son and run out the back door if anything went wrong. After 10 years, I don't like sex at all. It is a disgusting, revolting thing in my mind. Guilt isn't part of romance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:40am

Di.

Sherry here again. First post was about counseling. This one is about hitting. Geeeeeez, I am going crazy here. I had every abuse there was, The last one was on Valentine's day, two year's ago, when I slapped him (never in 30 years did I raise my hand to him) he hit me back hard in the face. That was the final straw (I lasted until next VD when I left him for good, alive). He threatened me with, I would leave in a pine box, guns, etc. This is what I mean about the real world of abuse. I didn't grow up with this and I know about both worlds. Now my choice is to get real and make my choice to appreciate the good in people again and by doing this I am erasing his picture from my past, because a lot of wonderful things happened to me that didn't include him and I will go on from here. I wasn't raised with violence and taught to treat people the way you want to be treated. That was the first and last time I hit someone and am not proud of it. Be safe,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:13am

I agree with Sherry! Not one of us deserves to be abused no matter what kind of abuse it is. I almost went back to my h in Oct. and then found these boards. If it hadn't been for these wonderful women (men), I'd still be abused. I've chosen the same road Sherry is traveling because I AM A GOOD PERSON and so are you. His attitude will never change, hun.

I was raised in a very loving, close knit family and was never abused in any way. So how did we get messed up with these abusers? I will never be able to answer that question for myself and have quit trying. Your husband may be sorry now, but do you really think he will change? He won't, you know. He will always revert back to the cycle of abuse no matter how HARD you try to make things better.

I'm as bitter as Sherry. Too much abuse and not enough sorrow on my h's side that now I have absolutely no remorse for what has happened. Things are over for me and my h and I'm glad.

Tread lightly and be safe!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:17am

Yes, BTDT and finally left my ex-h after years of abuse and realizing that I couldn't possibly change enough or give up enough of the things I enjoyed to satisfy him. As soon as he realized I had stopped doing one thing, he'd move on to something else and then complain and gripe about that. I learned to do some of the things I enjoyed away from him or when he wasn't around, but I finally got sick of it and figured life is just too short. And besides, he was able to enjoy his love of sports and other pursuits, so why shouldn't I enjoy my own interests too? He didn't see it that way and I left one day while he was at work. And no, I didn't tell him either but I did leave him a note basically telling him I was done with the marriage and wished him well.

Anyway, you can "suck it up" and give up the things you enjoy doing, but I can assure you, he will move on to ranting and raving about something else you enjoy and badger you into giving that up too. Where will it end? Life is just too short and we're only here but for a short time anyway, so you might as well find joy where you can.

It's just too bad that you won't find LASTING joy with him.

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:34am

>>I was raised in a very loving, close knit family and was never abused in any way. So how did we get messed up with these abusers?<<

God, I've asked myself this question so many times. My father was the most wonderful man. There was never any form of abuse in my family. So why is it that we do get messed up with abusers? I just can't figure it out either.

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:44am

With what you have just described to me is all a common classic w/abusers.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 11:44am

Thanks so much for your support and understanding. We Are Getting It aren't we and it feels so much better. I feel more alive than I have in YEARS. Thanks again,

Luv, Sherry