says I embarrassed him in front of famly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
says I embarrassed him in front of famly
4
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:16am

Still living with my abuser, he just voluntarily started going to a batter's intervention/anger management program, where he is starting with one-on-one therapy, and support group. At first he was all willing to go, but now that some time has passed, he is complaining about paying the $90 fee and threatens to stop going saying he doesn't need this.

We had had a good week, where I felt I could be comfortable and be myself around him, but as much as he promised to not say hurtful things, and treated me really nice for 1 week. But the latest incident just confirmed my feelings that it was just a ploy to suck me into it once again and open door for comments to be made that make me feel put down.

He was upset over an outfit I wore to a party with his side of the family. I was wearing a pair of the trendy low rise pants which could be revealing, but I felt I was wearing the appropriate undergarments, so anything revealed would not be noticeable but I guess it was to him and in his eyes not acceptable..

He said he felt embarrassed in front of his family over the way I dressed. I’ve wore this same outfit last week to dinner w/o any issue. I was hurt over the choice of words, he used, family members should never be embarrassed of each other. I lost some weight and have felt very good about myself. I am wearing clothes that I would never have dreamed of fitting into and that makes me feel good about myself. I wish he would be happy that I was happy, but no he has to turn it into an opportunity to make me feel bad.

Earlier that day he had told our 12 year old dd that she had embarrassed him over some goth type make up that she wore to music lessons.

I am disappointed to hear complaints about having to pay to participate in the batter's intervention program and threatens to quit whenever we fight or issues like this come up. I guess from his viewpoint, our marriage is not worth the money or time investment.

He gets upset that I am going to a support group because he has a feeling it's for abused women and he doesn't see how that would apply here. But then in the next breath, he'll say I need to get some (mental) help because I am the one with the issues, and that I am very oversensitive and he can’t say anything without causing offense to me.

He says I overreacted to comments that basically conveying a "your slip is showing" message. I don't feel I overreacted because the choice of words, like I was embarrassing him, etc., were very hurtful to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 5:20am
What is your question?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:10pm
Well, he certainly is performing according to the textbook, isn't he? :P He's pretty nicely demonstrating that he doesn't have any real commitment to change, much less seeing what's wrong with his behavior. When you are ready, you will leave; this is just more evidence that he won't change, and more fuel to the fire.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:38pm
Well, if your marriage isn't worth 90 bucks, that's because he's so far below a zero.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:33am
Thanks for your words of kind support, we are all so worth it sisters!