scared and alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
scared and alone
9
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 6:11am

Hi everyone,
I have been paging through all the posts trying to see if I can find some solution to my miserable home life. I can actually sit here and take bits and pieces of each post, compile them, and compare them to my life.

I am in a tough situation where I have three kids, and my fiance, whom I have been with for 7 years, is not their father. I want to get out becasue I am really seeing that what I am going through is not normal and not fair. I just don't want to cry anymore and I don't want my boys to see me cry anymore. My biggest problem is how? How do I leave and where do I go? He is obviously not going to be financially obligated to me and I don't know how I can afford to do it on my own.

He has his nice moments, don't get me wrong. And somehow when he is nice, I am able to forget all of the horrible and hurtful things he says to me. It's like I get back up on my feet after being hurt, and I walk on eggshells to try and please him, and so do the kids. Things go smoothly for a bit. Then I manage to do something, always manage to do something to upset him. And when I upset him he will yell and curse and say hurtful things and then shut me out and not talk to me. Never says sorry. Never shows remorse.

I have learned the hard way that when I try to talk with him after he is back in the "nice" stage, it only makes it worse. He says, "why can't you just relax and allow us to get along?" And I say that I can't relax by just forgetting about all you said and did.....then he starts screaming....all over again. So I am at a point where I cannot open my mouth in fear that he will belittle and degrade me. Like everyone seems to say, it is Jekyl and Hide situation, where I don't even know anymore what will set him off. And every minor disagreement goes into " I can't do this anymore, you don't make me happy, we have to end this." He knows I am stuck in a bad place. Therefore he walks all over me.

I am a good person, would give the shirt off my back if someone needed it. He knows that. I also happen to be very forgiving. He knows that too. I have allowed him to push me around, yell at me, yell at my kids, then turn around another day and be mr nice guy. Now I have not gotten into specifics becasue I could go on for days, and don't want to bore anyone. And what I have written may not seem bad, but honest to God, it is BAD. The drinking, and late nights out and abuse when he is drunk, the verbal abuse when he is sober....it is killing me....and my kids....i don't want this anymore

But I do want to know how...how do I get out? How do I get my strength back, and be confident and do what's right for me and my kids? I don't want to spend my life alone, catering to someone else, and sacrificing myself and my kids to make him happy....when all along, he never winds up happy anyway.

Please, any advice anyone has, please get it to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 7:55am
Hello...when I read your post all I could think was how similar our situations are. I do not have children but my treatment by my partner is exactly what you are describing and experiencing. There is never ever a small issue or disagreement everything is a relationship breaking drama. I have been with my SO for over 8 years and the incidents have become more and more frequent. I used to be able to go for a month or so before each explosion but now it is weekly. I do not know how to act or behave because it appears that anything and everything sets him off. Last week I found a list of issues he had with me....from forgetting to give him a phone message to not eating a salad he got for me. He stockpiles his issues with me and any time I try to address something with him he pulls out about 10 items that I did wrong, yells, curses, calls me names, and tells me he doesn't love or even like me. He breaks up with me frequently even though I told him that I need security and stability coming from a abusive childhood. I thought by finally accepting that I am in an abusive relationship that it would get easier to dismiss his rants and raves but it is getting harder each and every day. I feel that my spirit has been crushed. My SO never apologizes for anything. He cannot see himself. He thinks that he is fun, cheerful, and happy and that I am the one who is the problem. I cause him to be mean and nasty. Recently, he told me that I was boring because I have no friends and never plan anything. How can I have friend relationships or plans if every week he isn't speaking to me, breaking up with me, and makes his own plans without my knowledge. He lives a single life (never consults or plans things together) with the couple benefits of someone to pay half the bills, do housework, gardening, etc. I could go on and on. Why can I not break this cycle? Why do I hold on to this hurtful and demeaning relationship? My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain and hurt. I do not have any answers myself and I am hoping that someone out there can give us some retrospect. I am thinking of you. Please keep posting. Hugs, Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:32am
You could start out by building a support system outside of the relationship. This will help you see or find other options. A good place to start would be with a counselor at your local DV shelter. They can give you a clear idea of what kinds of options are available to you in your area or state. I work for the shelter in my area, and we have a transitional housing program finded through HUD for women and children and we can house families for up to 2 years while they get on their feet, we pay most of the expenses. Lots of shelters have this option as it's a government program. If this wouldn't work for you, there are still other options. You just have to find them. There are people out there willing to help you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 1:55pm

Welcome to the board :)

You really have came to the right place. By posting, you are getting your feelings out as well you will gain strenghth to get out. Talking with other women who have been in abusive relationships will really help you. Post as much as you like or need to.

Isn't it amazing how much abuser are alike? I did the same thing when reading thru posts when I was still with my abuser. I was shocked at how my abuser was alike some of the other posters.

I am happy that you realize that you are not in a normal relationship. That is the first step to realize that you aren't in a healthy relationship. You realize that and you also realize that you deserve so much more than what you are getting from him.

Have you called the domestic abuse hotline yet? There is shelters that you can go to with your children. They will be safe and you will be safer than where you are with your abuser. It is not healthy for your children to see how your fiance is treating you. You need to leave for your sake as well as your childrens.

All abusers have nice moments. Have you heard of the abuse cycle? It goes from the Build-up to the explosion to the hearts & flowers stage. The only way that this cycle will stop is to end the relationship. Over time the abuse cycle will get worse. The hearts and flower stage will be shorter and the explosions will be closer together. When my abuser was nice I forgot about the bad times too. I had so much hope for my relationship. Over time I realized that it would not get better unless I left him. Don't get me wrong, it was a very difficult time, but I am healing. I am getting better for myself and only myself. I do not have to feel guilty about what I wear, or going out with friends, or going out for a few drinks. I can do think for myself. He can not make me feel guilty about being myself anymore.

"He says, "why can't you just relax and allow us to get along?" And I say that I can't relax by just forgetting about all you said and did.....then he starts screaming....all over again."

This statement makes me mad. I have also heard this same sort of statment many many times. When he is fine he is saying that everyone should be fine. It doesn't matter that you are still hurt and not over it yet.. you should be over it because he is. He does not think about you, he is only thinking about himself. He is being very selfish here. I have been through this with my abuser too. Just try to remember that you are not alone with what you are going thru. So many women have gone thru and are still going thru what you are going thru.

You are not boring anyone. It really does help to get your feeling out on paper. Vent all you want and need to. I do understand how wonderful this board is. It really was a life saver for me when I was with my abuser. If it wasn't for this board I would probably still be with my abuser. I had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship until I came here and starting comparing my stories to other women on here. I do know that what you are going thru is bad. I am sure that everyone here will agree with me. There is many red flags in your post.

Keep posting on this board. You will get more strength and courage over time. One day you will just say that you have had enough. You will leave when you are ready. No matter how many times I will tell you to leave, you will not leave until you are ready. My last straw was on my birthday with my abuser. He treated me like SH*T all day long. That was supposed to be my special day and he only thought about himself. He didn't wish me happy birthday till the end of the day, called me a BIT** and a WH*RE and a LOSER on my birthday. I then decided that I deserve so much better than him. I still didn't have a good night on my birthday. He made me feel bad.. he started to say he was sorry and balled his eyes out when I left for dinner. I felt very guilty and very sad and I wanted to stay with him and comfort him. But how could I by the way he treated me?? It was becoming the Hearts and Flowers stage and that is when I finally realized.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 5:57am

It is amazing how they are all the same. It makes me have a knot in my sotmach to know I really am not crazy, that what he does to me is wrong. I go over and over in my head about what it is I am doing wrong. Because of course he does blame me for everything that is wrong in general. I always think maybe it is me. Maybe I am causing this. But how is that possible? He can be so spiteful. I do my best to take care of everything, I really do. But he manages to find fault in me, most especially when I REALLY think I am doing everything right. That totally kills me.

I have to tell you all that I told him I wanted to sell the house. He said ok, take care of it. In my opinion, he's calling my bluff. But I did open up to my neighbor and to my coworkers as well....along with you all on the board. I felt like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. At first, most people were like "oh, I never knew he could be like that." Then I go on to justify myself, and the stories just don't end. It is sickening to the point that I don't even want to talk anymore. But I am trying to get strong. And I am serious about selling the house.

Now last night, I had my kids at football practice. He showed up and was all nice. Asked what I wanted to do for dinner....when normally it would be " did you cook tonight, did you feed the kids, is there anything prepared for me, etc" We go home, I give everyone dinner, I don't eat, as I have been sick to my stomach for the last 3 days. I lay on my spot on the couch.....few minutes later, he comes in, and says I need to talk to you. I must have made a face or rolled my eyes becasue I don't want to talk anymore, I have tried and tried. He says, "you know I really don't need the attitude." So i tell him this...."think about how you feel. you are sad and upset because I am standing my ground. think about hte countless times that I have said i needed to talk and your response was shut the F up, or what is it now? or now is not a good time to talk." I said "think about the number of times, i have just had to shut up and deal on my own. now you wnat to talk and i am supposed to come running????????"

so he says, "i see your point" and proceeds to talk. i say "NO!! i don't want you to make me feel guilty or like something will change becausee as much as i feel like i have gotten it through to you that what you do is wrong, i know your way of thinking won't change and you will catch me as soon as i let my guard down again. you are killing me, sucking the life out of me. i can't take this life anymore."
and of course i go back inside feeling guilty.

What I really need to know is can he change? Is it possible that he realizes he is an abusive person? Or am I falling into his trap? I believe the latter, but I am always second guessing myself and at the same time,I don't want to be a failure or to give up on something that has potential. In my heart I know that in a short time, me or one of my kids will do something to anger him. I just know it. Please someone tell me I am nuts for thinking me saying I am leaving and him maybe believing me this time is enough to get him to change. PLease someone help me stay strong.

again, sorry for rambling and the typos....my mind is working much quicker than my hands

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 11:15am
He will not change. He will always be the way he is, because he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Saying, "I see your point," is not the same thing as actually seeing your point and being willing to work on bringing his viewpoint into accord with yours. I know you are grief-stricken, guilty, and afraid, but just remember: he will not change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:58pm

I totally agree with Geoteo. He will not change.

Well I guess there is a 1% chance that your abuser will change... but that is very unlikely. My abuser told me many many times that he would change and has changed but he never did. I did believe him, but I know now that when abusers say they will change, they wont. They are just trying to convince you they will change so we victims will believe them and give them another chance.

"I do my best to take care of everything, I really do. But he manages to find fault in me, most especially when I REALLY think I am doing everything right."

Abusers will ALWAYS find fault in everything their SO does. Nothing will ever EVER be good enough. You do something one way and get in Sh*t... so they next time you do the same thing you do it totally opposite - and what happens? you get is SH*t again! It really is a never ending battle with abusers. They really do mess with our heads. We start to second guess ourselves, not believe we can do anything right, we start to get very low self esteem.

There is 10 types of abusers. I can't remember all of the names of them. I recall one of them was about an abuser that is so charming to everyone around them, but as soon as you get alone with the abuser he changes into a total monster. Just by you mentioning that your friends and coworkers have no idea what he is like reminded me of that. That is also why it is very difficult to know if something is really wrong. Everyone that knows your abuser just loves him right?

He is trying to win you back by making you dinner. He is trying to show you that he is a nice man and he can change.. RED FLAG! He is just trying to win you over.. that is all he is doing. It will not change permenently. He will eventually go back to his old ways of treating you like crap.

I had so much hope for my relationship with my abuser. So much hope. I did not realize how bad it was until I was out and I was looking back at it. It won't get better. He might admit he has anger issues with you and the kids. I have read a few times that abusers know what they are doing, but they just don't stop what they are doing. They know deep down what they are doing is wrong... but they do not stop it. You deserve so much more than what this man is doing to you and your children.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 5:53pm

I thank you all for being here for me. It is a great help.

Today was especially hard for me. This afternoon I would up getting flowers delvered to me at work. Not once in 7 years did he EVER EVER send me flowers. NEVER! I was so angry and upset that I had to leave work. Especially because everyone was saying "oh maybe he is trying, maybe he wants to change, do you think you might reconsider?" That upset me so much. I know that he knows my coworkers have been told about selling the house. So what better a place to charm me but at my job??

And to think I am sitting here wondering if maybe he means it maybe something is different this time. Although I know in my head that it can't be. I have thought it so many times before, I don't even know how I can forget. But I am so confused I don't know what to do. And I am mad.

This is so hard...there is so much at risk if I leave and so much at risk if I stay. PLease tell me how do I choose the lesser of 2 evils?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 9:10am
I can identify with your feelings and confusion. It is a show for others. When my SO is nice it seems artificial and planned. He knows what buttons to push and after more than 8 years together the cycle has been established and is deeply embedded. I watch him around family and friends and he is so easy going, fun, and charming. It makes me feel that there is something wrong with me. Right now, I am coasting and gathering information. I am not spending hours and days trying to understand his behaviour. I have given up trying to discuss my feelings with him because they are never accepted and always used against me. You are at the early stage of recognition. I found it very difficult to accept that I am in an abusive situation and it is easy to "snow" yourself as you have done for years. I am very good at creating my own reality and allowing the abuse to continue. I am so tired of not having any security or stability in my life as I am sure you are especially with your pregnancy. It is time to trust your feelings and thoughts and stop wasting your time on this abuser. The hint of niceness is just one of his moves...that is what keeps us in this sick game. Please take care of yourself and your unborn child. You know what you are dealing with....knowledge is power. I am thinking of you...Big Hugs...Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 3:49pm

hi

You don't deserve to be degraded, belittled and disrespected by this man.
I was in your situation but I dont' have any kids. The worse part of all of this is thewalking on eggshell's, always wondering which answer is the right one to give him. Never knowing what is going to make him mad and send him over the edge.When you do get angry and stand up for yourself (which becomes more and more rare ?) do you find he gets even more angry? So angry that his eyes pop out of his head, and he becomes intimidating, and you're so afraid he is going to hurt you? This is abuse.

It is not acceptable under any circumstance, in any situation and at any given moment.
Has he begun to hit you?

When I was in the relationship everyone around me said, get out "for your own good" they warned me that he was no good. Well I never listened, and he beat the s*** out of me, multiple times. If he hasn't began hitting you, chances are that he will, someday, something inside of him will snap.

This is what I did, I prayed to god everyday for the last month and one day something inside of me changed and I got the courage to pack up my bags and leave this man. I believe that the strenghth that you will need to leave him exists deep inside of you. I know that one day, you will know when the right time comes that it will be time to leave this man.
In the meantime, I want you to check out this website www.youarenotcrazy.com and buy this book, "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. This book will open your eyes, it will finally take the weight off your shoulder's, the pain, the sadness, the betrayal and the guilt that comes with being abused. This book will tell you that HE is the one with the problem and you did nothing to deserve this.

You are an extraordinary woman, beautiful inside and out for having put up with his abusive for so long. You are brave and strong, whether you believe this or not, you are.
You will find the right time to leave him.
You always have us on the board, you can always talk to me. You are not alone.