Scared Im turning into an abuser HELP!!
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Scared Im turning into an abuser HELP!!
| Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:47am |
I have been in an abusive relationship for 5 years now. Of course at first I didnt know and it took me a while to even admit it to myself that I was in one. I finally did and I have been dealing with it off and on for years. I cant tell you how many times I have broken up with my bf and have gotten back together with him. Ive been back together with him for about 2 months this time and I hit him tonight. I have never done this in my entire life. He has always been the one hurting me and now I dont know what has become of me. When I hit him I couldnt believe that it was me that did it. I didnt even know who I was. I feel horrible and I hate who I am. After I hit him I felt like I wasnt even there. It seems like it didnt even happen but I know it did and I cant stop thinking about it and how I am like him now. I have become the same as him. I am now no better then the men that hurt us. I feel so bad that I actually think I shouldnt even live. Not only has this man taken 5 years of my life he has made me so angry and I have turned into somebody I dont even know. There was so much anger behind that hit it was unreal. It must have been from all the times he hurt me. This still doesnt make it right and I feel sick inside. I am ashamed!! Has anyone ever heard of this? Has anyone ever done this? Do woman that have been in abusive relationships turn into an abuser? Have I learned this from him? And what do I do now? Am I an abuser now? I cant believe this is happening. I dont know what to do. He didnt even do anything after. He looked really shocked and hurt. I wonder if thats how I look when he hurts me. I was really mad at him. I live in Florida and we have been getting all these hurricanes and Im getting so depressed and tired of it all. My electric was out for a few days and it was so hot and I have been in a really bad mood the past week. I had to go to work tonight and all he does is lay around all day. The house is a mess and I work and he doesnt. And he cant even clean up the place for me. Im just overwelmed. And I went off tonight. I woke up and he was asleep on the couch. He went out while I was asleep and hung out with his friends and couldnt even clean up the house. So when I woke up and saw that he still didnt clean up I got really mad. The electric was back on tonight so he cant say it was too hot to clean up. It sounds like Im making an excuse for going off on him. Im just as bad as he is. I should have just gotten ready for work and left and not said anything. If I had just left I would have never hit him. I cant believe how much anger I felt for me to go off like that. I hate him even more now because I feel like he has made me into an evil person. Im so upset I cant even write anymore.
Melysa

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I wouldn't say that you are becoming abusive, it's more that he knows what buttons to push and he's getting you to play his game more. He's baiting you into this by pushing you until you break.
Now this is the time to get out before he can lure you into doing this more because he will get you to respond and get a physical response out of you and then turn you in as the abuser, which you are not. You are a woman who's at the end of her mind and he's pushing you past. It's a known tactic to get all the focus onto making the victim look like the abuser in an attempt to allow him to go on his merry way.
It's time for you to get away from him, his abuse, his conditioning, his mental distruction of you. Don't fall into his trap because then it will be you trying to explain to the courts, it will be you going to jail for abuse, and he will go off laughing knowing he got away from it again.
Call a shelter, read the homepage, do what you need to to stop yourself from letting him get a physical or verbal reaction, that's all he wants. It shows him just how deeply he has control and power over you and he's loving it.
With all the turmoil of the hurricane season, he's finding you easy prey and he's going to push you, so leave, get an abuse counselor and start regaining a healthy mind and life.
Hugs
O.K. I read your post a couple of times and here are my two cents, for what they are worth. :-)
You ARE NOT an abuser. There is a mentality that acommpanies someone who abuses their partner. They are methodical, cynical, uncaring, and even sometimes psychotic. It wasn't a good idea to hit him, no, just for the simple fact that he now will forever hang that over your head and there is nothing you can say to counter it, because he will use that against you as well.
I would suggest apologizing for it. Not to him, but to yourself. Forgive yourself for that outburst. You are, after all, only human. You made a mistake, and while I don't believe that anybody can "make" us do anything, there are definately situations that occur that make it extremely difficult for us to make the "right" decisions concerning our circumstance.
So, deary, don't fret. You are not an abuser. You have not turned into him, you are nothing like him. You are very stressed out, that is for sure, and you "broke" a little at that moment.
Don't do it again though, the previous post was so dead-on. Abusers will suck you in, they will find what works to their advantage and use it to the fullest. They will try to make you feel like you are the bad guy, and you know what, you do really start to feel that way, you already do feel that way.
Don't give in to this dirty game. You are better than that.
Hugs!
jen
While I do not believe that you are an abuser, I do agree with buffphone on the point of you can go to jail just as easily as he can go to jail. It doesn't matter if you hit him with all of your might or if you are just slapping him on the arm. Physical assualt is physical assault, unless it is self-defense (which is a whole other dymnamic)
So yes, you need to watch yourself, especially around him, if he were to put you in jail for hitting him, you will be labelled the abuser, not him. And that stigma will follow you, unfortunately, through whatever happens between you and him.
take care.
jen
I have not posted or even been to the board in quite some time until tonight and when I read your post, I had to reply because it hit so close to home for me. I know exactly how you feel. I have been there and done that. I slapped my bf once and as it happened, I had no idea what came over me. I couldn't believe I had done such a thing and I felt horrible for doing it. I then, just like you, started to question if I was being abusive now also. I came online and read and read looking for an answer and found it. Although it is wrong for us to stoop down to their level and slap back, there is a reason for why we did what we did. Have you ever heard the term, fight or flight response? I had before this but never gave it any thought until I slapped bf and went searching. Yes, we have to exercise self control on our part, which we all know can be very difficult at times, but when we lashed back, it did not make us abusers in any way. Below I pasted an entry for the fight or flight reaction. I hope this helps you out. We were just like a cornered animal being attacked by a vicious attacking animal, aka our abusers,and we were protecting ourselves, defending the attack. Also go to this web page... http://www.verbalabuse.com/10.shtml
and read the section on Violence Begets Violence.
After I read that, I knew I had to exercise my self control more carefully so that I never would hit him again. I never did slap him again but he did bring that one slap up more than once and tried to use it against me. I thought, no way am I going to give him ammunition like that again. And what's really sad about it as well, is that they can call the police on us and have us arrested and like always words have no visable scars to prove what they are doing to us. An invisible defense. Hope I have been some help to you. Reading your post was like reading something I could have written myself. Right down to the very end where I was so lost, overwhelmed, confused, etc. that I couldn't even write most the time. ((((hugs))))
The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. 2002.
fight or flight reaction
The set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. For example, if a person is faced with danger (as from a vicious animal about to attack), the nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood. These hormones prepare the body either to confront the attacking animal or to flee to safety (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action). 1
...Yep I do disagree with this I have to say! We have services predominantly for male perpetrated abuse towards women... With this, media's reinforcement of myths and general 'myths' that are carried left, right and centre, how can we move away from the typical "It does happen to men too" questioning that we so oftenj hear. Yes It does happen to men- not as much so as women IMO ... but attitudes like this MINIMISE domestic abuse.
If you say a woman can't hurt a man as much as a man can a woman- what about two women in a same gender relatiosnhip? Does abuse not happen there at all? Is it not as bad? Wrong to both.
Let's move away from the stereotypes and myths.
Why do a lot of Amercian studies into domestic abuse use "Wife Battering?" is this still an "ok" term to use in US? I'm in UK... so I'm just interested what anyone else thinks.
Nutz
Hi almond, welcome -
The phrase "wife batterer" is still in use, but more often than not the term "spousal abuse" is used, along with generic terms such as domestic abuse and domestic violence.
While it absolutely can be woman on man, woman on woman and man on man, the large majority of cases reported are man on woman.
CL-Blueliner4
...Thanks for the reply! i do accept that women are most often the 'victims/ survivors' of male perpetrated abuse.
I'll take a look around before butting in next time.
take care
Nutz
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