Scared Im turning into an abuser HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Scared Im turning into an abuser HELP!!
11
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:47am
I have been in an abusive relationship for 5 years now. Of course at first I didnt know and it took me a while to even admit it to myself that I was in one. I finally did and I have been dealing with it off and on for years. I cant tell you how many times I have broken up with my bf and have gotten back together with him. Ive been back together with him for about 2 months this time and I hit him tonight. I have never done this in my entire life. He has always been the one hurting me and now I dont know what has become of me. When I hit him I couldnt believe that it was me that did it. I didnt even know who I was. I feel horrible and I hate who I am. After I hit him I felt like I wasnt even there. It seems like it didnt even happen but I know it did and I cant stop thinking about it and how I am like him now. I have become the same as him. I am now no better then the men that hurt us. I feel so bad that I actually think I shouldnt even live. Not only has this man taken 5 years of my life he has made me so angry and I have turned into somebody I dont even know. There was so much anger behind that hit it was unreal. It must have been from all the times he hurt me. This still doesnt make it right and I feel sick inside. I am ashamed!! Has anyone ever heard of this? Has anyone ever done this? Do woman that have been in abusive relationships turn into an abuser? Have I learned this from him? And what do I do now? Am I an abuser now? I cant believe this is happening. I dont know what to do. He didnt even do anything after. He looked really shocked and hurt. I wonder if thats how I look when he hurts me. I was really mad at him. I live in Florida and we have been getting all these hurricanes and Im getting so depressed and tired of it all. My electric was out for a few days and it was so hot and I have been in a really bad mood the past week. I had to go to work tonight and all he does is lay around all day. The house is a mess and I work and he doesnt. And he cant even clean up the place for me. Im just overwelmed. And I went off tonight. I woke up and he was asleep on the couch. He went out while I was asleep and hung out with his friends and couldnt even clean up the house. So when I woke up and saw that he still didnt clean up I got really mad. The electric was back on tonight so he cant say it was too hot to clean up. It sounds like Im making an excuse for going off on him. Im just as bad as he is. I should have just gotten ready for work and left and not said anything. If I had just left I would have never hit him. I cant believe how much anger I felt for me to go off like that. I hate him even more now because I feel like he has made me into an evil person. Im so upset I cant even write anymore.

Melysa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:36am
Melysa,

I have felt the same way before.

I have yelled, threatened to divorce, said very mean things in retaliation.

I didn't used to do this in the beginning of the relationship..

For years I just took it and tried to talk things out...etc.

I thought I was crazy.

It wasn't until he had emotionally drained me and I found out that there was actually

a term for the way he was treating me that I was able to fight back.

I have been where you are...hating myself..feeling no better than him, etc. I have seen myself acting manipulative on occasion and the worst part is I have seen my children show signs of it also. It is not just them being a kid...they have learned to be "good" at it.

I am also in Florida and if you see the post..may sound crazy but...you will see briefly how wonderful of a support he was during our Hurricane. The lucky part for me is I am already separated from him since he is in another country in the military right now.

I have been able to get some sense of clarity just by having him away.

I am still very confused.

I wish you the best and if you ever need to talk..let me know.

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