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| Fri, 12-30-2005 - 2:17am |
The man i am seeing--he is seeking a divorce, soon, to be with me--i fear has a problem with control and overly demanding behavior. He is cheap to an extreme: usually refuses to pay even for metered parking; refuses to dine out with me (even at a cafe or sandwich shop; or is i am able to finally talk him into taking me to lunch, insists, sweetly, that we must share a meal. He is also telling me, over and over again, that my chidlren's private schooling (a must in the large city where i live) and my entertainment is going to have to go away when i divorce and we are together.
Then, at Christmas, he completely throws me for a loop and buys me an expensive pearl watch.
A couple of weeks ago, he came to my house with written notes in hand that he took during a conversation with his wife. They had had an honest conversation about why their 8-year marriage had/was failed. One the top of the list was that she felt he was so cheap he could never enjoy himself; she felt criticized so much that she pictured her spirit gone and herself cowering in a corner. she has had a history of alcholism and depression and chronic fatigue syndrom in their marriage. There was a long list of these things. He read them all to me, crying, telling me he did not want to make the same mistakes with me. He tells me that their marriage has been hell for its 8 year duration, but things are better now in that "he is leaving her alone, to do whatever she wants." I guess i am starting to wonder if he has, instead, moved all his criticism to me? I suddenly feel intermittently loved beyond belief {crying, huging, begging} to poke, prodded, needled and criticized. Some of this came to a head today, when he actually told me (in a fatherly like tone--he is 57, i am 42) that "Of course you will be taking notes and pen and paper to your upcoming meeting with your divorce attorney." I handled this as long as I could, until i snapped and told him to stop treating me like a child. I am a successful journalist in a large city, for crying out loud. i don't need anyone telling me how to interview or talk or get infomration out of people. when i thought we had gotten past this over the phone, he came to my office and before we could even make it to my desk, he had stopped me in the hallway to tell me: that i will not ever yell at him again. (i wasn't aware i had yelled at him. i felt i spoke strongly; but yelling, no. Once i was talking very calmly to him and he told me he felt "attacked." I said, WHOA, we need to talk, because I AM NOT ATTACKING you! He finally said, he had overreacted. It occurs to me that yesterday we had teh same problem: i have low blood sugar if i don't eat lunch near noon. we finally sat down and to eat the slapped together leftovers i had in my fridge and he started dictatiing to me things i needed to buy for my office. "Get a paper and pen," he said, as i was finally biting into my sandwich. "Are you writing this down? You need to write these things down." Finally, after about 1/2 minute of this, i jumped out of chair, retrieved a pad and pencil and said OK. Dictate. I scribbled "Bottled Water." "Tape." WHY IN THE WORLD COULDN'T THIS WAIT? WHY DID I GIVE IN? WHY DID I GET ANGRY? AND THEN AFTER THAT, HE BLAMES ME FOR "Why do we keep having these little glitches. . . getting angry at one another. . . ?'" In his eyes, it's all my fault, because i didn't jump up and comply with him.
We have had a number of glitches in the last 10 days or so when we've had few before in the last 13 months. Is it the stress of my impending divorce and his decision, after a long 6 month period of discrenment, that he has decided to leave his wife.
I could go on and on, but i feel he is trying to control me. he wants to go over all my finanical matters, both in my marriage and in my business. where there has been overspending, he is telling me these thigns have to go, including my 2 young sons' private school education . this keeps coming up--he keeps telling me their must be options. there are options, but none that feel are worth considering, like moving 30 miles away to a better school district and yanking my kids out of their lives. today, he finally told me that he knows that i must keep some comfort there for my children--that their lives cannot be suddenly topsy turvy becuase i divorced, but that he selfishly wants more money so that he and i can enjoy it together traveling.
I feel like a rubberband that is ready to snap. I love him but i must protect and love my children and not turn their world upside down.
i feel like i am jumping thru hoops to help him feel secure with his decision to leave his wife, but it feels like no answer i find is quite right or good enough. he told me a month ago he was planning to separate but had decided to wait until the holidays were over. today, i finally said: why do you need to know exactly my finanical situation>? Are you trying to hedge your bet before you tell your wife you want to leave her. He finally admitted that yes, he guessed he was looking for some security.
One thing rose to the surface to me tonight while we are apart. He recently went to see a doctor about a $9,000 re-do of a hair transplant . i just feel this is a cruel thing to do while i am trying to figure out how i am going to live comfortably after divorce and support him as well.
when i call him on feeling pushed/criticized/scrutiniez he always calms down and usually cries and tells me how much he loves me and how he has to "settle down."
Other things he does:
1) he will tell me how beautiful i am, but then point out every scar or blemish on my face or body
2) he is so frugal, he refuses to dine anywhere out with me. we have a joke about this--i try to humor him, because i love him--that i get to eat out every 8 times we eat in. today he came to my office and all i had in the fridge was bread, a few slices of turkey and some swiss cheese. i said please let's go grab a sandwich . "no we are not going to do that," he says. "what he have here is just fine."
3) he takes/i let him take up an inordinate amount of my time--and then i find myself scrambling to get all my work done. when he comes to my hosue, he often tells me how he would change things or he points out if things are not clean.
4) he has a squeegee in his shower. he wipes off the walls with it each and every time he showers.
5) all things must be cleaned up immediately in his house: the kitchen; the bed made; just like the shower. he says: "All you need is 5 minutes a day and you have a clean house."
6) when i talk with him while he is working, he puts me on hold for every other call. he has always done this, but even more so now, as his voice mail has been out for over a month now. he blames in on the lack of voice mail, but he doesn't remember that he has always done this for the last year.
7) i am going thru a major finanical transformation going from relatively wealthy wife to single mom who owns her own business--that is going to be OK but is currently struggling. he has scrutizined all my finances and is demanding to see year end reports by the first of the year--even for me to guess at some finanical matters as year end paper work, for credit card spending, for example, will not be available until the end of january. i am not sure if he understands all the extra work involved in this. While i have been complying with this--and it is a good thing i know these things as i am preparing to meet with an attorney for divorce in january--he is talking about spending nearly $10,000 on a hair transplant. he makes very little money managing a non profit and keeps telling me, jokinginly?, that is I that is going to support our relationship.
8) he seems to want all my time, but then is critical when things are not done around my home or in my business .
9) he seems to have trouble in a bunch of his relationships. he has no relationship left with his brothers as they are arguing--he is pushing for more $--out of the family business. Others i know seem to think of him as either terribly charming or a jerk.
10) i love music but he will not let me sing or enjoy it in the car--ok, maybe once or twice
11) he has an unruly dog that is undisciplined and untrained. when i point this out, he is unhappy. i tell him if my children were acting the way his dog did, he would go nuts. he said: You are right. I would be out of there. . .
I left my husband for this man and he is, or so he says, getting ready to leave his wife to be with me. I am feeling scared that the life i have known is over.
What else? How many other exmaples do i need?
What do you think of this man?
I could go on and on. I love him. I have not loved anyone like him ever. we have a wonderful and close relationship and a healthy sexual life. all is well, until this stuff comes up.
Edited 12/30/2005 2:29 am ET by claricews

Honey, I'm hearing sirens.
Pinto stand waving huge red flags.
I second the first reply. Everything his wife said you are already seeing. Trust your instincts, if a good friend told you all this what would you say. You would say run don't walk to the nearest exit. Abusers are really good actors and when the mask comes off his behavior now is what you are left with. Please take care of yourself. I own my own business also and until my ex husband was done I am now left with every possible bill he could dump on me, not counting all the money he took out of my business while we were married. You are smart and a good journalist you don't deserve this.
Oh and yes, my ex and I were good in the sack too. I was very happy in that way, but in the end I realized he used that to take away from me and to control. We did the same things the same way once a week in the end.
Is your current marriage in trouble because of the BF or were there problems before? Are you sure you want to divorce? If so, that's great move forward with your life and get divorced. You really can be happy and fulfilled on your own. Who knows you may be surprised who you end up with in the end.
-Jennifer