scared/feeling icky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
scared/feeling icky
6
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 7:44am
Hi All,
Well, I'm still living in the house with him. Our temporary hearing is Aug.10th...not soon enough. He's been going to counseling and has 'admitted' that he is an abuser. States he "loves me so much"...." we HAVE to try to make this work"...."I KNOW there is still a spark in you somehwere".....I really feel NOTHING for the man, I cringe when I"m with him, I get a pit in my stomach when I think of having to be married to him for the rest of my life. I've been hurt too much for too long. Someone said to me "if you can just find it in heart to get over this" (he didn't know the details of the abuse). He's still thinking there is a chance I will stop this legal separation, even when I tell him it will go through. Last night he told me "I don't want to put fear into you, but do you realize what is going to happen?" "We're going to lose the house" "This is not gonna be a ma and pa kettle handshake" What he doesn't realize is that I've already been to the credit union and my lending agent and I have worked out numbers....my attorney says "we'll be alright". Still, this crap scares me. At the temporary, can they (the court) tell him to leave? I truly believe I will lose my mind if I have to live with him for the next six months. Thanks for being here....again :)
A
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 9:02am
Don't listen to his negative words hun.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 9:14am

We have to make this work is a crock. YOU have tried to make it work. Otherwise, you would not have dealt with this for so long. Maybe HE should have tried to make it work and you would not be in the situation you are in now. My ex said the same thing, wait he still says the same thing right before he leaves visitation with my son to go home to his girlfriend.

Houses and possessions can be replaced. I lost a motorcycle, truck (both repo'd) and all of my son's furniture a month before he was born. My credit took a hit yes and I had to find another crib a couple of weeks before my son was due, but I will get over and past this and the next vehicle I get will be mine entirely and my choice. If he's lucky I may let him buy the 87 Jeep that he forced me into as he said I didn't deserve a nicer vehicle as I would just wreck it. The same Jeep I have sent half of its value trying to keep it on the road.

You will find after awhile you just want to move on and the thought of losing things doesn't matter anymore. It becomes more a matter of wanting your freedom more than anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 4:03am
hi,
I'm new to these boards, I couldn't sleep tonight so i browsed through and read your post.
sorry about your situation, but mine is similar. my STBX (we are separating) is still living here because of money problems and the kids, and that's OK. I don't hate him, but he has problems he has to deal with. I don't know what abuse your STBX did to you, hopefully not physical (mine was not).But mine has also told me he loves me, that he wants to try again, and I believe him.But first he has to go to counseling and deal with his problems, and i have to heal. The thing is, he has not admitted that he is an abuser.
I think to admit it is a big step, but he hasn't taken it. I read in your post that you feel nothing for yours, cringe, and never want to be married to him. I have also lost that
loving feeling, but i'm confused. Is it buried under my pain, sorrow, anger and sadness
from my abuse? How do I know if it's still there? We've been together 10 years, we've
built a life, had kids. And now we might lose our house because neither one of us can afford it on our own. My STBX told me this, but it wasn't a threat. He was right. I know He wouldn't purposely hurt me (sound like yours would), but he still has alot of problems
to deal with. Oh well, at least he's agreed to go to counseling. I haven't decided if I should go to with him. I don't know if it would do any good. Well, he'll have to leave sooner or later, so we'll see what happens.Sorry if I rambled on, time for bed. thanks
e
Avatar for debbe1959
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:42pm
I am sorry that you are going through this, but through is the part that you need to hold on to! Can you file for a protection order? -- that would get him removed within 24-48 hours as they have to address it within that timeframe by law! Also, have you thought about staying elsewhere til Aug 10th if a PO is not an option. Just reading that he is concerned about the house tells what is important to him-- sadly. Your safety and sanity are #1, God will take care of the other essentials! I hope you get this resolved quickly. Keep us posted. We care and hope you will be ok! You will be free from the marriage soon! Don't worry. Be Safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deb
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 5:27pm
Thanks so much everyone. Your kind words and encouragement keep me going. He puts me through his daily 'brainwashing' sessions. He's reading my book The verbally abusive relationship by P.Evans. He has some 'issues' with it, but can understand some of it too. He wants us to try to save the marriage, again I just can't see myself with this man for the rest of my life...I've been hurt too badly. He's mad at me today because I wouldn't 'talk' with him. He's also mad because I won't sleep in the same bed with him (I sleep out on the screened in porch). I just take it day by day which is difficult as I'm so used to looking forward at the 'big picture.' My attorney tells me it's a 'process' and I just have to trust it. Thanks again, and of course I'll keep you up to date.
A
Avatar for debbe1959
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 9:54pm
Sweetheart, Ofcourse he has "issues" with a book that places him responsible for his abusiveness! He evidently isn't ready to admit he is abusive! Which should be a BEACON to you that he is not the man you need in your life! Don't allow him to play on your sympathies(if you have any) for a minute. You know in your heart what to do! Just keep your distance and try to stay safe!! I know it's hard, but you have got to keep telling yourself the truths of your situation. Abusive men are actors with a capital A! When he says things you know are not true, just negate them in your mind! Do not argue or allow him to put you in a position that may escalate. I wish he was living elsewhere or you were-- is that an option? I hope you are okay?!?!? Please stay safe, be safe! You are a part of this sisterhood of survivors! Please post soon!! Concern and love, Deb