Second chance for ex-fiancee after push?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Second chance for ex-fiancee after push?
12
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 7:09pm
I left my fiancee six months ago after he pushed me in bar after he saw me dancing sexy with another guy. We were both very drunk at the time and we had a perfect relationship up until this point. We worked together and were best friends. This was our first 'fight'. I moved in with my brother after that and he quit his job to give me some space. He went into counselling to deal with his issues, quit drinking and started exercising, yoga and meditation to balance himself out. Recently he emailed me at work apologizing and saying he accepts full responsibility for what happened. He asked if we could work things out somehow. I'm dating another guy right now since we split, but don't feel the same about him as I do my ex-fiancee. Should I give my ex a second chance? I know abusers always say, it will never happen again. But, it seems like he's done allot to ensure it wouldn't happen again- even offering for us to go to counselling together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 11:24pm
Well it sounds like you want to. The usual pattern to these things is that give him enough time and he'll do it again. This time he knows you'll take it, because while you did leave you took him back, so he figures he's secure in his behavior. Also, why does he think you both need counseling? He got physical with you-something he had no right to do no matter what.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 9:45am

I'm still not sure. My father has said he won't talk to me and won't come to our wedding if I did go back and my friends said they would disown me too.
I'm a little distrustful of him too after this. We were best friends and he did this. If I go back and we go to counselling I would like to talk about that and analyze our past relationship. We were two emotionally dependant people, spending all our time together with almost no contact with eachother's friends. We both also drank allot too.
I have been in counselling too since this happened so couples counselling might not be necessary. I've gone between shock,anger, depression and sorrow after we broke up. I think he's trying to show me that he's changed with the offer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 2:16pm
Hon, I hate to burst your bubble, but the likelihood of him changing is pretty slim to none.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 11:59pm
You should go into individual counseling for yourself, no matter what you decide about the relationship. You need to learn how to be stronger in yourself. I don't think you should just do couple's counseling, I think you need your own counseling with your own seperate counselor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 12:43pm

Hi Bttrfly -


First off, why would you want to chance your safety and sanity on a promise?

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 4:21pm

I am in counselling for myself and have been since the incident where he pushed me. I know that there are allot of risks in going back to him. My counsellor has told me that it will take years of therapy for him to get better. He is aware of this and is in it for the long term he says. I guess I'm considering it because we had a perfect relationship before this happened and had allot in common. My new guy is great and fun but we just don't have the same interests. He's one of those guys who likes to watch sports, talk about sports, drink beer etc. While my ex is more like me. He's a special person and I know allot about his past and why he acted this way. He used to live with someone who is bipolar and she was very abusive to him. So I do forgive him in some ways, but haven't been able to forget what happened either.
I wonder too if it would happen again and noone was there if it would be worse. This is my fear I have.
Thanks for the tip. I will review the lists and see if he's really changed or just pretending.
If we did get back together, don't you think couples counselling would be a good idea? We would have some trust issues at least that would have to be discussed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 5:10pm

Couples counseling is never recommended in abuse situations.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:56pm
Everything may have seemed perfect because that was the act he used to hook you in, and once he really thinks he has you, then the real person will come out. The perfect beginning is usually just a scam to get you. Most abusive men were abused as children or witnessed abuse as children, so what? It doesn't make it any easier on you to take the abuse for the 100th plus time. Also, because he pushed you and you have been through this horrible thing is it ok for you now to get in another relationship and beat that man every time you get upset?(not that you would but it's just an example of how it's not ok for him to do this to you no matter what his ex did to him).
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 1:51am

Hi,


I know you all are going to be very mad at me, but I think you should give him a second chance. Even the sanest of men can lose control when influenced by alcohol and jealousy. All the measures that he has done, even before you married, show that he is commited to you and realized his mistake.

With lots of love and hugs,


Mrs. Pele Mead


"Love the Lord our God, with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul. "

With lots of love and hugs,

Mrs. Pele Mead

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 8:40am
I lose control when I get mad sometimes, I curse and may raise my voice for a minute or two, but I would never hit any one. When I drink I do not hit anyone. Or are you saying it is different for men and they are less able to control themselves than women and we women should just accept this and know that the price of being in a relationship is getting knocked around once in a while if the men are pushed too far by things outside their control?

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