Second chance for ex-fiancee after push?
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Second chance for ex-fiancee after push?
| Sat, 01-22-2005 - 7:09pm |
I left my fiancee six months ago after he pushed me in bar after he saw me dancing sexy with another guy. We were both very drunk at the time and we had a perfect relationship up until this point. We worked together and were best friends. This was our first 'fight'. I moved in with my brother after that and he quit his job to give me some space. He went into counselling to deal with his issues, quit drinking and started exercising, yoga and meditation to balance himself out. Recently he emailed me at work apologizing and saying he accepts full responsibility for what happened. He asked if we could work things out somehow. I'm dating another guy right now since we split, but don't feel the same about him as I do my ex-fiancee. Should I give my ex a second chance? I know abusers always say, it will never happen again. But, it seems like he's done allot to ensure it wouldn't happen again- even offering for us to go to counselling together.

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I know. I've been thinking that too. That's why I forgave him. I'm still wrestling with the idea that it could happen again and be worse though. I think the only way I would take him back would be if he continued to go to therapy and his other commitments.
I wrote him back the other day. Here's part of my email...
, the counsellor told me that it will take years of therapy for you to get better. I don't really know what happened with your mother or with (his ex), but it sounds like you chose someone like your mother. I guess I don't know how often you hit (his ex). I just remember the time you told me you knocked her down and she fell unconscious. So I guess that's why I'm hesitant because it's not the first time you've pushed someone. It's pretty serious what you did to me, it's pretty much a criminal offence so that's why I can't take it lightly and had to press charges.
The counsellor I have has over 20 years of experience dealing with men who abuse women and he said the classic excuse is that they blame the women, that they drove them to do it, they pushed first. It's never their fault. He told me the only way they get better is when they actually take accountability for their actions.
I don't know if you want me to tell you everything he said but it might help. He basicallly said that yes, it starts with a tension as you said. It's part of feeling like you are losing control. It's when a person feels threatened by a situation that's new or out of their control. I had noticed you were tense before my friends came over. I remember you asking me how I could just sit there and read while we were waiting for them to come. You kept getting up and down. So I don't know, what were you tense about? Were you worried that my friends would take my attention away from you? Were you worried that they wouldn't like you?
The counsellor said that emotionally needy people need their partner there with them all the time in order for them to feel okay, safe. I think we're both like that.
As for myself, he said I need to learn to respect and love myself again. To trust my inner voice and listen to my body. And he told me to stop drinking too because that's when I do stupid things too. He told me that I'm stronger than I think. And he wonders why I feel a need to take care of men. And he wonders why I don't listen to my thoughts, why I end up with the wrong men and know it but just keep dating them. I told him how I suppress a lot of my thoughts and emotions.
He said what we had was an intense relationship and not that healthy becuase we had to be together 24/7. Every relationship needs some time apart. And the ability to trust the other person when they are apart. I also told him how sad I was that it ended and he said he could see that, that it was a special relationship and that you are a good person. He could see that I feel a great deal of loss because we had planned for such a great future together.
I'm glad you don't blame me anymore. I am very sorry for doing what I did and realize how stupid it is to act that way. I'm really glad you are taking this seriously and are getting help. You've really opened yourself up to me and I appreciate this."
I'm going to talk to my counsellor this week and my father before making a decision. Thanks to all for your thoughts on my situation.
butterfly
Okay, now we have a problem:
1) you are already in counseling with a trained abuse counselor.
CL-Blueliner4
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