Secrecy vs. Privacy
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| Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:34pm |
I've been lurking here for a while and have decided to post. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts about privacy in a marriage and what constitutes acceptable levels of privacy vs. secrecy. Without going into all the gory details, I have spent the past year educating myself about verbal abuse and control and have determined that I am in a verbally abusive and controlling relationship. Still, I love the guy. Stupid, perhaps, but we have children and I've never been one to just up and quit. We've been married for a very long time.
Do you think that a couple should share all aspects of their lives with one another? Is it acceptable for one spouse to have interests and engage in activities and meet people about whom or which the other spouse knows little or nothing? I am not referring to illegal or questionable activities. Neither one of us has been unfaithful. One of us seems to have forgotten that there are two adults in this relationship. And, yes, I'm being somewhat rhetorical in asking these questions. I do know the answers. I'd just like some additional thoughts on the topic.
I am so tired of having my judgement questioned. I have had both a priest and a therapist tell me that I am not being selfish in my need to retain some privacy in my life and in my desire to engage in an activity about which my husband disapproves. He seems to think that I am having a mid-life crisis. My gynocologist described his behavior as controlling. I'd be interested in hearing other thoughts on any of these concerns.

Hi there,
I'm really glad you decided to post.
CL-Blueliner4
Staying together for kids, I agree, is not the best thing. I thought I was doing my kids a favor, and I really wasn't. We're almost 6 months into therapy and going into another 6 months of therapy and I don't see my older two kids (the other one is only 4) getting out of therapy for another two years. They have picked up on things, even the most subtle things, my STBX did that weren't healthy at all (that I didn't realize weren't healthy when I was with him) that my boys have picked up on... even the now 4yo picked up a few ideas of her own on how men "must be" because that's how daddy was. Kids will mirror what they know - it's logical. What else do they have to mirror? If you have boys, they'll mirror daddy when they get older, or whichever father figure you plug in there. I'm trying to reverse some damage now, as a truly single parent, and it's rough. It's almost like a sort of de-programming - and now I look back and have hindsight and moments where I think, "What was I thinking staying together for the kids". And I don't know exactly what constitutes a long marriage, but mine was 8 years and 3 months. That's a long time to me - that's 8 years of my life.
Sorry I lack tact. I just had to say that. Gonna go spend some time on me before I fall asleep - and boy do I love my privacy nowadays. I like keeping some things for myself. I like knowing I am not obligated to tell everyone every last bit of my day, down to who I talked to and what I had for dinner.
Good for you for taking up ice hockey! What a wonderful way to get some exercise and get rid of stress! I'm impressed.
Perhaps you will appreciate the irony of my situation. The "forbidden" activity in which I was "caught" participating was posting on a messageboard about a television show that I enjoyed watching. H. went ballistic. This was my eyeopener to how badly I was being treated in our relationship. I'd made a friend on this board, a woman my age, who has since become a very good friend. H. has threatened to divorce me if I continue this friendship. Talk about having your threats backfire! Rather than fall further into his trap of control and verbal abuse, I have spent the time educating myself about the subject and enlisted the support of my friends and family. While I'm still hopeful, despite the statistics, that he could change and we could work through our problems, I'm realistic enough to realize that this is unlikely to happen and have begun, at least mentally, preparing for the possibility of a future without him.
Apparently it has not occurred to him that libraries offer internet access. I guess you could say I have resorted to secrecy in order to maintain my privacy. LOL
Yep, totally can.
My XH got very upset over a message board...for HIS favorite band!
CL-Blueliner4
I do not think you lack tact. I would much rather have a forthright response than something that is sugar-coated.
You make some good points. Kids deserve a peaceful household. Ours, quite often, is not. Still, we have been married 20+ years, and I feel that I owe it to everyone involved to be certain that I, at least, have done all that I can to hold this marriage together before I simply throw in the towel.
Did he tell you that you couldn't listen to their music anymore? I was told that I was no longer to watch that television show! Amazing. Reversed his decision before the new season began, but the damage had been done. When someone tells you that you can't watch a television show you start to wake up and smell the coffee.
And, yes, I've heard about the evils of the internet. He leaves me newspaper clippings whenever something horrible happens to someone. Where are the clippings about the people who murder their neighbors or relatives? There are good people and bad people everywhere. I am an adult. I will make my own decisions. Now, all I need is the nerve to tell him this! LOL
No, never got quite that far.
CL-Blueliner4