Serenity - Some questions for you...
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| Fri, 03-10-2006 - 11:46am |
Serenity,
First of all, I'm so sorry for the situation you're in now with your ex, his new wife, baby, etc. I hope you're able to figure something out for your kids as far as them knowing their sister, without getting caught up in any bad situations between he and his new wife. Please be careful.
Secondly, I've been meaning to post to you for awhile because I see some similarities between your current situation and mine. I can relate so well to many of your posts. One of your more recent posts really caught my eye. One where you were talking about your H lying, taking out loans, etc. and wondering if it was possible that he was cheating on you and actually wishing he was. I am in almost the same position, except my H doesn't take out loans, he takes out about $1,000/mo in cash from ATMs and never has anything to show for it. He goes out with "the guys" or "with customers" at least twice a week, but it that where he really is? He spends the night with friends (he says because he's had too much to drink, and I know he drinks too much) much more now that we moved last July - it's been at least 12 times since then. I've lost all trust in him and only believe half of what he says most of the time. He's SO good at lying, which is why I rarely question him, he'll just lie anyway. I'm happy when he goes out so I never confront him but I really wonder if he is where he says he is. Most of the time I can reach him on his cell, but not always. I really can't find any evidence though. Maybe it's right under my nose but I can't see it. Either way, if I find out he is cheating I guess I'll feel two things: Elation that I can use it to finally say I'm done, I've had it, this is the end and extreme anger at myself that I've stayed for so long trying to make things "right" while he's been out screwing around.
I know that I am justified in leaving without him having an affair, but it would seem easier this way. I guess I'd think that the guilt trips he'd try to send me on wouldn't work like they might if I try to leave based on his lies, manipulations and basic emotional abuse. I read this as I type it and it sounds nuts but I'm really struggling with trying to figure out how/when to leave. My kids are almost 5 and almost 3 and I think I cover things up relatively well and that they don't realize much that's going on but I do know that I'm having more and more difficulty doing that. And they will realize more the older they get. I just wish I could find out if he's cheating.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I can relate to you very well and wish you (and me!) the strength to leave these men.
Lisa

"Either way, if I find out he is cheating I guess I'll feel two things: Elation that I can use it to finally say I'm done, I've had it, this is the end and extreme anger at myself that I've stayed for so long trying to make things "right" while he's been out screwing around."
This is sooo ME. I totally hear you.
"I know that I am justified in leaving without him having an affair, but it would seem easier this way. I guess I'd think that the guilt trips he'd try to send me on wouldn't work like they might if I try to leave based on his lies, manipulations and basic emotional abuse."
Again,same here. Don't you find it odd and completely frustrating that they feel they can come and go as they please and its OK for them,but you try it and all hell breaks loose??It's such a double standard.
My husband is away for work ALOT,he goes out of town and works long hours. I used to tell myself,oh he cant be cheating,he's working. I have since wised up to the fact that it is completely possible.Granted,my husband doesn't go out with friends (he doesnt really have any)but if he did,I would definately be keeping my eye on him. I'm not saying your husband IS cheating,but he certainly has the opportunity.
I know it's hard to keep a check on him,with the kids and all..but honestly if I were you I'd be finding out if he is indeed where he says he is.Do you know where these "friends" live that he supposidly stays with? Maybe you could get someone to watch the kids for you so you could drive by and check things out? or possibly have someone else do it for you.There's always the option to hire a P.I., I know this is expensive,I certainly couldn't afford it..but if you can it would be well worth it.
I've heard so many times that a woman doesn't really need proof to know that her H is cheating, you just have that "gut feeling". If you suspect it, you're probably right.
I believe with all my heart that we WILL be free of them someday Lisa, & then we'll have our "day in the sun". That's what keeps me going.
((((Hugs)))),
Serenity
Serenity,
ABSOLUTELY!!! I could give you soooo many examples of how H is that way but I don't need to because you're living it too. I've even used those exact words "double standard" while arguing with him and it means nothing to him. It's unbelievable.
You're right, he certainly has plenty of opportunity to cheat. And the fact that his MO is always needing instant gratification and denying himself nothing (to an extent) coupled with a drinking problem along with the fact that he cheated on his first wife, with ME no less (I didn't know he was still married, more lies) I don't doubt for a moment that he could cheat on me. I used to think there was no way, but I don't think that anymore either, like you.
I've been thinking this very same thing lately. It would just be much easier WITH proof, LOL. Ugh, I can't believe I'm joking about this and thankfully you can relate. Anyone else in a normal relationship would think I was nuts.
I have thought about the private investigator thing but I doubt I could afford it either. I really should check out his story one night, or have a girlfriend do it for me. I have one that would do it in a heartbeat. I'll let you know if I ever do and what I find out!
Well, I believe that one day we'll be free of them as well. Here's to hoping that "one day" is closer than we think.
Take care and have a great weekend,
Lisa