Serious trouble
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Serious trouble
| Tue, 09-13-2005 - 4:09pm |
My husband and I are both 22. We got married 2 and a half years ago, and our relationship has never been very stable. 3 months after we got married, we separated for a short time and I had a fling with someone else (this other person and I have not spoken since). Ever since, he's had a hard time trusting me. We got pregnant with our first child very soon after getting back together in 2003, and faced financial and marital problems. We had to live with his parents for a few months, then he left for the air force basic training (he got sick 5 days into it and got sent back home) while I stayed with my dad and stepmom. After the air force thing, we moved in with my grandparents until the baby was born. We got our own apartment shortly after that, and his brother moved in with us after a few months, because I have fibromyalgia, kidney stones, ovarian cysts, etc. and cannot work. I did NOT want him t to move in with us, cause he's a freeloader who sits around all day smoking pot and complaining about our child crying too much. In March of this year, his brother wanted my husband to kick my son and me out because he said I wasn't contributing financially or cleaning around the house. So Ryan (our son) and I went to my grandparents. I then started filing all of the paperwork for child support, TANF (Temporary Assistance for needy families), Food Stamps, and WIC. As soon as my husband found out he was gonna have to pay child support, he flipped out and all of a sudden tried to win us back with presents, etc. I was stupid and thought he was gonna change some of his bad habits (like spending every dime on electronics since I've known him), so even though my grandparents paid for an apartment for my sister and I, I've been staying with my husband every night because, honestly, I do want our family to work. We are just at each others throats all the time and a few days ago, he received his subpoena to go to the child support hearing on the 21st. He totally lost it and started throwing things, then he ran into the spare room and starting violently scratching his stomach with a jagged piece of wood. I don't know what to do. If I leave, he might very well kill himself. If I don't leave, my son will grow up in a very negative and possibly violent home. He's never hit me but he's grabbed my arm so hard one time that a doctor pointed it out and put it in my chart, "possible domestic abuse". I'm just in a really bad situation. My grandparents moved to canada 4 months ago, and so they can't really do anything to help. Please help me.

Welcome to the board hun...
He fits a lot of the characteristics of an abuser.
Hi hon, welcome -
I agree with everything that Wishful told you, so I'm not going to repeat myself on that count.
Your H is a very dangerous and desperate individual.
CL-Blueliner4
You can get emergency food stamps from your local social services office. You should also be able to get help with diapers etc from either your local churches, a pregnancy crisis center or maybe even social services does this. (I got off welfare a long time ago, so I am not sure of the new rules.) But even if the social services office can't cut you an emergency check they will have a list of local churches willing to help you.
Also have you considered that by staying in your husband's apartment every night and not canceling you applications for Food Stamps, TANF etc, you are committing welfare fraud? If your husband is as abusive as you post, (and I am not doubting you) he will not hesitate to turn you in and if he has any proof that you have been staying with him (notorized statements from the neighbors, a bill in your name, mail delivered in your name to the house, yours and your baby's clothes at his apartment etc) he can have you arrested and gain custody of your child?
My advice is to move back in with your sister ASAP and have no contact with this man other than it relates to your son. Try to go for supervised visits with your son if you think there is any chance at all he could abduct him or hurt him.
I cannot stress enough that you are putting your custody of the baby and your freedom at jeopardy if you have filed for TANF and Food stamps claiming you are not living with your husband and you are still with him.
Get out now!
GT I can't be me.
Yes, there are agencies out there that can help you.
CL-Blueliner4
(((hugs)))
It looks like the wonderful ladies here have answered most of your questions. Now, it sounds like he is self-injuring. Did he do this in front of you or did he make a big deal of it? If so, then it was a control tactic. If not, then he was just having such rage that he didn't know how else to cope with it. Self-injury is a very private, shameful thing for those who deal with it. Either way, it is a bad sign.
The one thing that hasn't been addressed is your fear that he will kill himself. Sweetie, this is NOT your issue. You have no control over what he does to himself, only he can control his actions and emotions. The fact that you have left will not cause him to commit suicide. His insane need for control and inability to deal with his emotions or seek help is what would cause it. HE owns this, NOT you. It is NOT your problem. Think of it this way. Let's say he does commit suicide. Okay, what are you afraid will happen? You'll miss him? Okay, but that's better than being in danger. You'll feel guilty? Well, there's no reason to feel guilty b/c you didn't kill him, he did. Plus, this problem is fixable with a bit of therapy. Your son won't have a father? Okay, is that worse than him living with an emotionally unstable man who would kick you and him out b/c his pot head brother thought it was a good idea? Think about these things logically. Right now, you are thinking logically, but trying to decided emotionally, this will not work. Think and decide with your brain, not your heart.
Try this (this is what I did): think of all the reasons you have for not wanting to leave and say them out loud to someone who knows how he is. If you can't do that, post them here. Once you get them out, it's easy to see how trivial these things are compared to the safety of you and your son. Also, whoever is reading or listening can talk you through these reasons and help you organize your feelings to be able to decide if they are